


Never Show Me Happiness

by bambithepenguin



Category: Arctic Monkeys, Hurts (Band)
Genre: Best Friends, Birthday, Break Up, Domestic Fluff, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Love Triangles, M/M, Moving In Together, Moving On, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-03-03
Packaged: 2018-03-05 03:03:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 43,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3103154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bambithepenguin/pseuds/bambithepenguin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Theo and Alex meet each other at a not very nice time of their lives. Will this meeting be salvation or aggravation - it is yet to be seen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Move On

**Author's Note:**

> This idea has been haunting me forever so I decided to write it. Some of you may have seen it on Tumblr, now I'm adding it here, too. I'm not a native speaker so I'd like to say sorry for all the mistakes you may notice.

Not a tiny glimpse of hospitality appeared on Theo’s face when he opened his hotel room door and saw Adam standing behind it. However, Theo just invited him in with a gesture and walked back without a word. An open suitcase and several pieces of clothing were lying on his bed as if Theo was trying to find something and wasn’t very successful in his search until then.

“We’re going to a bar. Do you want to come with us?”

“Whoa, what an unexpected suggestion,” Theo mumbled, rummaging through his suitcase with a thoughtful expression, “Sorry, I have other plans for the evening.”

“Okay,” Adam nodded and almost turned away to leave but a more attentive gaze at Theo detained him. His cheeks were clean-shaven, instead of a simple T-shirt he put on a perfectly ironed shirt, and, when standing close, Adam could smell Theo’s favorite perfume. Recently Theo had usually been too lazy to perform all of these stages. The neatness of his look got Adam interested in whatever his bandmate was going to do tonight.“Who are you going to spend the evening with?”

“With Alex.”

“What Alex?”

“Turner, from Arctic Monkeys,” Theo answered impatiently, apparently not very happy with the questions on this subject.

“Just the two of you?”

“Yeah.”

For some time the silence in the room was interrupted only by the quiet rustle of Theo’s stuff being disarranged once again.

“Since when are you such good friends?”  

“Do you even notice my absence now and then?” Theo chuckled bitterly, “Well, his band played at most of the festivals that we participated in so we saw each other from time to time, then in June we started talking and found a lot of common interests so, uh… We still see each other a lot, both at and outside the festivals...”

Theo stopped without any further stories, which was very unlike him. Imagining the rest was left to Adam, just as the reason why Theo didn’t want to go into detail.

***

It was a sunny morning in June. The city hadn’t fully awoken yet, and Theo decided to make use of the couple of hours he had before the festival to roam the half-empty and tranquil streets and have a quick look at the sights of the city he hadn’t seen before. He was all alone. Adam was either sleeping or wandering somewhere too – Theo had no slightest idea of his location and activity and wasn’t very eager to change it. Week by week, he got used to not having Adam by his side most of the time. What once was a substantial need, became a torture. At that date it wasn’t being without Adam that troubled Theo – but being alone in general was unbearable. Being alone gave time and a reason to remember about Adam.

According to the approximate map in his mind, Theo was already somewhere close to the hotel again but he still had some time left. Going back to the hotel was the thing he least wanted to do though; in fact it was just changing one kind of loneliness to another. Even so, the sunlit streets at least looked more uplifting than the oppressive rectangle of the room. Theo walked into a small park with an old half-ruined building in the centre of it – he remembered that park from the last visit and thought it would be a perfect place to pass an hour. Quiet, fresh and calm – what else would a man in his state of mind want, not to mention the ruins that accompanied his mood in particular?

Maybe just one thing – someone to cure his loneliness and distract him from the depressing thoughts. A familiar silhouette at the railing, surrounded by cigarette smoke waves, was the most appealing chance. It didn’t really matter that they had barely talked before – and that was not even small talk but the tiniest talk, it didn’t matter that Alex didn’t look very talkative – not then, not ever, it didn’t matter that nothing seemed to connect them – Theo just needed someone to break his solitude and anyone could do.

“Hey,” he said, leaning on the railing beside Alex, “Walking around and sightseeing too?”

“More like sticking around and sightstaring,” Alex answered flatly, and ribbons of cigarette smoke instantly intertwined around Theo, “If this deserves to be called a sight, of course.”

“It does! Do you know that it was built in the 15th century? Initially this building belonged to some aristocrat but then dynastic shit happened and the house was used in many ways. As a library, as a museum, even as a hospital when a war happened… Oh, and some rebels based here once, it’s best known for them, there’re a lot of urban legends about those days…” Theo was jabbering on and on, happy to find a listener at last, while Alex was just standing there with his eyebrows raised and wondering when that never-ending flow of facts would end. Every now and then he did listen and even got interested but on the whole he wasn’t in the mood for history lessons, and only weariness prevented him from telling Theo to leave him alone.

“You’re like human Wikipedia or whatever that site is called,” Alex said in a tone not ironic enough to show annoyance but not soft enough to mean a joke or a compliment so Theo just kept silent for a couple of moments and then attacked again.

“Why are you standing here all alone and wistful?”

Alex sighed and let out another cloud of smoke. He wasn’t the kind of person who could bare his soul in front of someone he knew so slightly.

 “Just smoking. My hotel is around the corner.”

“Oh, I’m staying there too! It’s funny how festivals are like school excursions: more or less the same bands travel across Europe and stay in the same hotels. We all should just gather in someone’s room after midnight and drink while band managers can’t see,” Theo chuckled, and a subtle smile finally illuminated Alex’s pensive face. He found Theo quite annoying – but adorably annoying, like a little brother would be. On the contrary, Theo expected Alex to be a bit more lively, so he wasn’t going to leave him alone until getting a proper conversation or an ultimate “fuck off”.

“Today is going to be big, right? So many amazing bands and I heard everything’s sold-out!”

“Is it? Well, great…”

“Who would you recommend to see?”

“I’m not excited about most of new bands.”

“Why?”

“Is this an interview? Not in my schedule, mate,” Alex smiled, not feeling like making speeches or even long sentences, but Theo didn’t give up so easily.

“You know, you’re much nicer than you seem, I thought you’d tell me to fuck off by now,” he admitted unexpectedly.

“Yeah? If we’re exchanging confessions, I didn’t think you’d ever come up to me and talk non-stop for ten minutes.”

“Neither did I, if I’m being honest.”

“I mean, you look like you’re forever depressed and keeping the vow of silence beyond the stage.”

“Don’t let the stage style confuse you, I guess you’re not that much of a badass as you seem, too,” Theo smiled at Alex who didn’t even turn to him once again.

“How would you know?”

“Badass guys don’t come to secluded parks all alone to stare at some ruins. Sentimental people do.”

For the first time during their talk Alex turned his head and looked right in Theo’s eyes, as if agreeing surprisedly. The meaningless and strange conversation somehow managed to divert his attention, and the fact Theo called him sentimental after just ten minutes of a mostly one-sided dialogue amused him. Meanwhile Theo stood struck by the intensity of that look which turned out to be the only way to shut him up for a while. He wasn’t going to get into the conversation that much. When Alex looked away with a bashful smile, Theo understood he had to keep talking about anything so it wouldn’t be any more awkward.

“Um, speaking of sentimentality… It’s not that I blame you of that ‘cause the other day, before another festival, I went to an amazing music photography exhibition, there were mostly pictures of 60’s and 70’s musicians…” – Alex pricked up his ears – “… and I felt so affected and nostalgic – it’s so weird, feeling nostalgic about the time you never lived in!”

This random reminiscence, combining two of Alex’s beloved topics, worked a lot like a pick-up line, and the remains of an apathetic expression washed away from his face, making way for the genuine interest.

“I wish I had been there. Are you really fond of that time? I mean, I thought you’re more like… an electronic guy.”

“Nah, I like a lot of different music. From oldies to rap and hip-hop. And as for 60’s, it’s such an elegant era – men in fine suits, women in beautiful dresses… I wish people today took note,” Theo sighed and, noticing Alex’s accordant smile, burst out with another exciting thought, “By the way, I just remembered there’s a record shop in about 5 minutes from here, they have some really rare things and an old jukebox with a pretty amazing collection of music. I think you’ll like it. Do you want to go there?”

“Um, yeah, sounds nice,” Alex shrugged, “We have spare time anyway,” he added, trying to sound not as excited as he was. How did that fellow even manage to draw his attention so quickly and easily?

Once Theo knew for sure what to speak about, it was almost impossible to silence him, but by that point Alex didn’t mind. They walked along the awakening street, both dressed in black and white and hiding the eyes behind trendy sunglasses, like some film duo or classic doppelgangers. Alex barely looked at Theo and heard just about a half of what he was saying, but somehow he felt peaceful: there was enough of Theo’s overflowing cheerful energy for both of them. As for Theo himself, he had saved enough of that energy during latest months, and Alex was a reason to unleash it. From the very beginning he felt something homely in him, something that could be a reason to move on and get rid of old misfortunes, and Theo was eager to reach that charming something at any price.

***

Adam’s memory clarified and he remembered that he really had seen them talking a couple of times but instantly forgotten about it. Keeping track of all of Theo’s acquaintances and interactions would be unachievable even if he wanted to do it.

“May I ask where are you going?” Adam asked cautiously, feeling Theo’s annoyance but too curious to hush. It was a common question but for some reason Adam felt like he was stepping close to some border.

“We heard about a cinema that shows classic films and decided to see something tonight. Alex is great to discuss cinema with, he knows an awful lot and speaks about it in a beautiful way, he even managed to get me into some TV shows that I’m definitely going to watch as soon as the tour…”

“Are you in love with him?” Adam blurted out involuntarily before thinking about whether he should have asked that.

Theo shut the suitcase and looked up at Adam.

“Where’s that coming from?”

“I’ve known you long enough to see that most likely you are.”

“And I’ve known you long enough to see that you’re not very delighted by this possibility, are you?” Theo noticed with a cold smile, putting on the black jacket he had finally found.

“Indeed you are. One has to be utterly stupid not to understand that it’s a date. At least you think it is.”

“So? I don’t understand what the fucking problem is.”

“No problem. It’s fine,” Adam muttered in an apologetic tone but the forbidden line had already been crossed and Theo was too close to boiling over.

“Are you telling me that I _shouldn’t_ be in love with him?”

“I’m not telling you anything, fall in love with every girl or boy in the street, I don’t care…”

“Oh, so you don’t? Do you even understand what I went through after we broke up?” Theo cried out, “You left me for her because deep down you always wanted a traditional relationship, you wanted to settle down and have a family. It’s just not my thing and you knew that so you never considered me somewhat serious, you just fooled around until the right girl came along…”

“Theo, please…”

“Shut up! You’ve been dating Mary since we broke up and I couldn’t find somewhat serious all this time. I was so alone! Not only did I lose a lover but I lost a friend, my best friend! And maybe we could stay friends but you were all about her, you didn’t give a fuck about me and my feelings. After some time things began to improve again, I met Alex and didn’t feel so alone anymore, even you and I were – well, maybe not friends again, but at least fine with each other. But now you come to me and, instead of being glad that I finally moved on, you’re fucking it up again…”

“How is that fucking up? I didn’t say anything bad about him or your affection.”

“But what you have sounded quite blaming and harsh. I don’t want that kind of attitude from a person whom I still try to consider my friend,” Theo said moodily, calming down a bit, and went to the door, “Listen, I don’t want to be late for the da… for the film.”

The hint was more than clear, and Adam walked out of the room hastily. His thoughts were in a mess. On the one hand, Theo was right about his blaming tone and lack of delight about the news: Adam didn’t know a lot about Alex but already hated every little thing about him; on the other hand, he understood it was terribly wrong to feel jealous and irritate Theo when he was finally recovering from their nasty breakup. Adam stopped and turned back.

“Sorry, mate. I didn’t want to sound unsupportive. Maybe you’ll tell me more about what’s going on between you two tomorrow? Or introduce us to each other?”

“Basically, introduce my current romantic interest to my ex-boyfriend which is not awkward at all,” Theo clarified ironically and headed downstairs, mumbling, “We’ll see, we’ll see…”

***

The soft light of a late summer sunset made the city look calm and promising. Theo was standing outside the cinema and looking around. He had already got used to Alex always being late so he wasn’t worried; he even told him the wrong time intentionally so they wouldn’t be late for the film after all. People were coming in and out of the cinema all the time, mostly couples and friends, and Theo was wondering which kind they were going to join eventually. Finally, he saw Alex coming up to him in a hurry and opened arms for a hug but stumbled upon his hand, stretched out in a friendly way. Theo shook it with a sigh that Alex considered accusing.

“I know I’m late, sorry. I turned the TV on while getting ready, saw a weird local cartoon and suddenly got distracted because it… Ah, fuck it, I’ll tell you later or we’ll miss the film.”

“We won’t. There’s about 20 minutes left. I knew you would be late so I told you the wrong time. A helpful trick, isn’t it?” Theo smiled, and Alex declared, grinning:

“Rock’n’roll stars never come on time.”

As they headed for the entrance, Theo commented:

“Oh yeah, instead they watch weird cartoons in their hotel rooms. That’s the spirit!”


	2. Replaced

As streets and people were flowing in the car window, Adam gave Theo repeating covert gazes, trying to read his vacant face and understand the general mood of yesterday’s meeting. However, Theo didn’t notice and his eyes were fixed at the window as if there was a breathtaking performance in the street.

“How did it go?”

A disgruntled sigh preceded long silence after which Theo finally said:

“Well… Not a date, if you’re wondering.”

Hiding actual relief wasn’t totally effortless but Adam tried to portray a concerned expression as much as he could. In fact, he didn’t want it to be a date at all but Theo didn’t need to know about this little irregular triumph.

“Why?”

“Do you really want to talk about it right now and right here?” Theo asked discontentedly, looking around the car, “Not rushing into things, to cut a long story short.”

“Is it your own decision?” Adam wondered a bit too fast to sound unbiased.

Theo frowned.

“Let’s talk about it later, okay?”

They turned away from each other, and Adam spent the rest of the way thinking about what could be going on between Theo and Alex. He knew that the right thing to hope for was them being happy together but he couldn’t truly want it. This covert jealousy was inexplicable; Adam could swear that all the romantic feelings for Theo had been left far in the past and his current relationship didn’t have any problems that could be a reason to miss the previous one or yearn for somebody else.

The car stopped at the festival site, and, as they walked across the backstage, some space around them finally gave a chance to continue the conversation but Theo was silent. His eyes were glancing rapidly in different directions, and he didn’t even seem to remember that Adam was still beside him, waiting for the answer.

“So? What’s going on between you?”

“I don’t know,” Theo said absently.

“Why don’t you just make the first move? I can’t remember you being in any way restrained.”

“But he kind of is and I just… I don’t want to ruin it all. At the beginning I had nothing to lose but now I do. I’m afraid of losing him as a friend if I’m too insistent.”

“Weren’t you afraid of losing me as a friend back then?” Adam wondered resentfully, but Theo just smiled, remembering one of the happiest periods in his life.

“Of course, I was. But I knew you too well not to see what you wanted. I knew you so well that a single look could tell me more than a thousand words, and, even though we don’t talk that much now, I still can. But Alex’s not that case. Just a couple of months is not enough to be sure what he wants. I wonder how many would be enough.”

“So what are you going to do?”

“Just to go with the flow. I’m okay with that. Not a fan of obligations, as you might have noticed,” Theo chuckled, and his eyes suddenly illuminated with sparks of joy, “I’ll leave you for a minute now…” he muttered and disappeared behind people, tents and equipment cases so quickly that Adam didn’t have time to understand where he walked away. Not that he wanted to follow him though – he didn’t know where Theo went but had some guesses about whom to. 

Left alone, Adam soon ran out of people to chat to, found a place to sit in peace and stared at his phone, not noticing what he was doing with it. It was hard to concentrate on anything when he knew that Theo was somewhere near with Alex. Although Adam was almost sure that nothing special was going on, even the thought of Theo’s heart beating faster for another person was displeasing.

What was even more displeasing, when Adam finally averted his eyes from the phone, he found out that the couple was sitting in just a few meters from him. However, the distance and the dislocation of tents and equipment made it hard to notice each other – and even if these things hadn’t existed, they wouldn’t have noticedanyone around, as it seemed. Theo and Alex perched on one of the equipment cases, and, although there was plenty of space around, they were sitting so close that not only their shoulders, arms and legs were touching but even their palms were almost lying one on top of another. The distance was too big to hear what they were talking about so Adam could only guess, judging by Theo’s tempestuous gestures and Alex’s gracious smile. It was a long time since Adam had seen Theo that rapturous.

“… so yeah, I think the film was amazing. Up to this morning I didn’t know about this theory about the main character’s pocket watch and other stuff, but now it makes the impression even better,” Theo finished a long delighted monologue about yesterday’s film. Actually, his words weren’t completely true: he had known the story for a long time but the day before he was too infatuated to remember it.

“Yeah, it was great. Thanks for the invitation. We should do this again some day.”

“Totally. By the way, what are you planning to do after the festival season is over?”

“Uh… I don’t know yet. This festival’s the last one, the label isn’t pushing anything so… just going to lock myself in my flat with a guitar, I guess,” Alex smiled.

“Well, you’ll have to unlock yourself at least for a day. I’d like to see you at my birthday party. The 30th of August. Can I expect you to come?”

“Where?”

“I’m renting a club in London, I’ll tell you the exact address later.”

Alex made a wry face.

“What’s wrong?”

“Crowdy club parties aren’t my thing. But not completely, I think I’ll drop by anyway,” Alex clarified quickly when he saw Theo’s smile diminish.

“Wonderful! I can’t wait!” Theo exclaimed and gave him a prompt shoulder hug – meanwhile his ex-lover, still sitting in a dozen of steps away, frowned and looked away. He felt awkward and annoyed at the same time. Watching Theo flirting had always been a bit embarrassing but seeing him making steps that small and innocent was just miserable in all senses.

“But if club birthday parties aren’t your thing, what is?” Theo continued in the meantime, interested in what he could come up with later.

“Meeting closest mates, maybe going travelling with them. No crowds, no unnecessary people. I don’t need that.”

Theo’s thoughts of possible rearrangements came to a deadlock. A series of filters didn’t work: one limitation allowed too many people to avoid a crowd, another, a stricter one, resulted in a smaller but diverse company who wouldn’t communicate well, let alone the strictest filter that would also lead to the hardest situation. At that point he could offload most of the guests one way or another to be left just with Alex and maybe Adam but that company would be the awkwardest option ever – and even if Theo struck Adam out too, it wouldn’t be a right way either. He and Alex were too far from the stage allowing to spend a birthday alone with each other.

“Nah, your way won’t work for me. But if you have spare time in September, we could still go somewhere. Uh, I mean…” Theo stuttered when he understood it had been a bit thick, “You invite your friends, I invite mine… Like that.”

“Still a crowd. Why use makeweights when the balance is already fulfilled?” Alex smiled slightly and looked at him, “But if you’re okay with leaving your precious gang for some time, I might consider this offer…”

“Why, sure!”

“… and if you’re not a full-time passionate history professor on every vacation…”

“Fuck, for how long are you going to remind me of that?” Theo laughed and pushed Alex, laughing too, a bit, “I just had to find something to talk to you about and it was the first thing that came to my mind!”

“And then various educational stories came to your mind like ten times more during these months…”

“You deserve to be pushed down from this Olympus of knowledge, Alex.”

Still giggling, Theo pushed him once more – the height of the box wasn’t too big to actually hurt someone though falling still would be perceptible – but Alex picked up the game and shoved in return.

“Um, no, we’ll see who’s going to knock who!”

They tussled ridiculously, like two rowdy boys – but with the difference that it was more like flirting than fighting and neither would hurt the rival. Theo’s hand slipped and he almost fell down but Alex managed to hold him back.

“What a dishonorable defeat it would be,” he smirked, grasping Theo’s wrist, “Anyway, you’ll defeat yourself faster than I will so it’s just not fair.”

“Just wait,” Theo promised and got ready to attack again but Adam couldn’t just sit and stare any longer.

“If you don’t mind, may I take my silly child away before he breaks something?” he asked, annoyed, as soon as he approached the laughing couple who quietened and looked down at him.

“But daddy, I believe I can play a bit more,” Theo grinned, and Adam thought he was enraging him on purpose.

“Theo, we have to go. Get down. Do you even keep track of time?”

 “No, why? You’re my personal alarm clock,” Theo sighed and jumped down alongside with Alex. Once the three of them stood together on the ground, a feeling of awkwardness embraced the company, though not everyone understood the true reason of it. To reduce the discomfort and look a bit more polite, Adam held out his hand to Alex.

“I’m Adam.”

 Alex shook his hand without particular enthusiasm but politely.

“Alex.”

“Adam, just give me a minute,” Theo blurted out and broke the covertly hostile handclasp, giving Adam a slight but insistent push away. He turned to Alex then. “So… I’ll call you in a couple of days. Hope you don’t change your mind by then ‘cause a great summer should end greatly as well.”

“You have my word. A really wondrous season, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah. But for now, I guess, it’s goodbye so… uh…”

At a loss for words, Theo just made a step to Alex and hugged him. Alex gave him a friendly pat on the back and said something quietly; Adam could only imagine what it was but in any case the feeling of being replaced wouldn’t cease. Once it had been him and Theo hugging before every concert but then this tradition died down.

“Well, so long,” Alex said, stepping back, but Theo was prompt enough to kiss him on the cheek and therefore delay his leave for another couple of vital seconds. Theo couldn’t see it before they separated but Adam noticed Alex blushing and smiling so genially that the badass image immediately suffered a crack. Just as Adam’s sureness about the utter one-sidedness of that inclination.

After a while Theo and Adam were walking towards the stage side by side, one uplifted, another contemplative and cheerless. Just when Adam opened his mouth to ask something, Theo interrupted him joyfully.

“I’ve invited him to my birthday party and he promised to come.”

“Uh… Cool. Glad for you.”

“Will you come, by the way?”

“Well, if you’re actually inviting me…”

“I’m inviting you by default, silly.”

“But should I come alone or am I allowed to bring a plus-one?”

“Mary? Okay, bring her. It would be fair, I guess,” Theo said after a minor pause, realizing that he was so full of new feelings and rosy hopes that there was almost no place left for old wounds. Furthermore, he thought that, considering Alex was going to be there, he would have little time for looking at other people and watching their actions. If he and Alex would eventually work out and Adam would still see his girlfriend, things would have a great chance to settle down, and Theo wasn’t going to miss it.


	3. Late

Every time the door opened, Theo left whatever he was doing and whoever he was chatting to and turned to it, his breathing halting for a second. But with each opening he had less and less hopes left. Music was playing loudly, he was surrounded by friends, and a pile of presents in the corner was almost at human height – in short, everything was the way Theo loved and enjoyed but without one element this puzzle of festive happiness was close to falling apart. After a while Theo started marking every unwanted (for that moment) guest with a drink. He thought that he would care less with every gulp but, even though he kept on revelling the way he always did, on the inside he couldn’t feel less celebratory.

Catching the minute Theo wasn’t talking to anyone, Adam walked up to him, half worried and half triumphant.

“So where’s your sweetheart?”

“I wish I knew,” Theo mumbled and took another sip of whisky, “Alex’s always late so it’s not a surprise… but it’s been like 3 hours so…” he shrugged sadly.

“Have you called him?”

“Um, no. We talked the other day and he promised to come so it would be a bit obsessive. At least he had the airline tickets.”

Adam was dumbfounded.

“Are you still there? What are you two even… Theo, what the fuck is going on? I thought it was quite obvious that you liked each other!”

“Maybe,” Theo murmured, staring at his glass, cheerless and withdrawn, and after a while added, “Maybe it was. But he’s so strange. One day Alex calls me and talks in a way that could probably make some poem. The next day I call him and he’s like “Yeah”, “No”, “Don’t know” and I think that I just annoy him. Then he ignores my existence for a few days. But then he calls me like none of that happened and speaks about how we could go somewhere together. So if you want to know what the fuck is going on, I’m not the one to ask.”

“Ah, I see,” Adam nodded, now somehow eager to give advice, as he wasn’t very jealous without Alex himself around, “It’s all fine, he’s just that type of personality which… Well, to cut a long story short, he likes you, and those are just his own quirks that you don’t have to take seriously. You just have to wait patiently. And don’t be too pushy.”

The tipsy eyes glowed with optimism again.

“You think so? Oh thank you, mate!” Theo smiled, “Hope is the best birthday present you could give me.”

Adam smiled at him in reply, glad to do something right at last. It turned out to be not so hard. Sooner or later Theo and Alex will sort everything out, meanwhile Adam will still be happy with Mary and not lose Theo as a friend at the same time – that’s what Adam thought, and it made him feel truly blissful.

However, the highly expected guest hadn’t showed up yet, and Theo went to renew his drink, already feeling a bit unsteady but not able to stop. He leaned against the wall with a glass in his hand. All the dancing guests and flashing lights merged into a single huge kaleidoscope. Theo lowered his head to avoid the shimmering colours and have a rest. The music mingled and faded away. After a while his recreation was bothered by a familiar voice.

“I must be really late if you’re already merging with the wall.”

Theo raised his head slowly and, seeing Alex’s smirking face, instantly rushed into a hug. He wanted to say a lot but even a simple salutation couldn’t come out. Music kept playing but Theo felt like all the world around silenced and the only distinct sound was Alex’s smooth breathing somewhere around his ear. As the hug got too lingering to be just a greeting sign, Alex mumbled confusedly:

“Yeah, okay, I’ll hold you but sorry if I turn out to be worse than a wall…”

Theo laughed and made a step back.

“I’m just so glad you’re finally here.”

“So I didn’t miss anything, did I?”

“No, but if you had come 20 minutes later, you would have missed me sliding down a wall and going into hibernation,” Theo chuckled, putting the glass away before it gave him the charge to do something embarrassing, “Now come on, I’ll introduce you to my friends…” he added and pulled Alex into the noisy crowd but he remained standing and shook his head.

“Uh, Theo, let’s just leave it out.”

“Why?”

“Well…” Alex mumbled, thinking of how he could politely rephrase the fact he didn’t give a fuck about Theo’s friends and had absolutely no wish to waste a single minute with them, “First of all, I have a present for you.”

“Oh, this is interesting!” Theo exclaimed as Alex held out a small box with a sly look on his eyes. It took a while for Theo’s undutiful tipsy fingers to cope with the wrapping. A subtle expression of excitement was wandering over Alex’s face.

“I hope you remember where it is coming from because it’s, eh…” he started to explain when Theo finally got to the present. It was an elegant pocket watch with a silver chain, a bit threadbare here and there but still fine on the whole. Theo stared at it dumbly, and then Alex spoke again, “Might seem a bit ironic from a non-punctual person like me but it’s a bit deeper than that.”

“Yeah, I… I see,” Theo mumbled slowly as he thought about a watch being a symbol of time and remembered what Adam had said, “It looks like the main character’s watch from that film we saw a week ago. Was it the idea?”

“Sort of. But it’s that very watch.”

Theo looked up at him in surprise.

“You said it looked exquisite and cool so… And there was that story you told me…” Alex continued with a smile, and Theo exclaimed rapturously:

“But how did you find it? Half a century has passed!”

“I guess I’ll sound arrogant but I’m probably not the most insignificant and poorest person in this world, you know,” Alex smirked.

“Oh my god, it’s just fantastic, I just… I can’t believe it…” Theo stuttered of delight, fumbling the watch, “It is really some iconic stuff! How did you even remember when I said that I would love to have a thing like that?”

“Wrote it down right away, perhaps,” Alex noticed ironically before Theo squeezed him with a hug again. This time the embrace was prompter but Theo had a better idea.

“I guess you’re right, fuck introductions. Let’s just dance!”

“Are you sure you can dance right now? I mean, 5 minutes ago you were almost senseless.”

“Nah, I’m fine now,” Theo winked and put a hand on Alex’s shoulder, leading him closer to the loudspeakers.

And he was right. Finally seeing Alex and being afraid to spoil everything by doing something drunk and stupid not only did prevent Theo from drinking any more but also made him control himself as much as he could. They danced and danced and danced, and even though for the rest of the guests it looked rather awkward, at least their movements were steady. But Theo failed to foresee that being so close to Alex for the first time in a week would intoxicate him much worse and faster than another couple of shots. When he made some clumsy steps, it wasn’t because he was too drunk, but because he couldn’t think of anything but Alex’s face in front of his.

After a couple of songs they moved back where the crowd was scarce and changed the style of dancing to a more slow and intimate one, without even noticing it. The music was still loud and energetic but they were dancing to some imaginary dreamy tune that only two of them could hear in their heads. Alex had no idea when Theo had caught a moment and put his hands on his waist but he didn’t mind. He just gave Theo a bold look and did the same. Alex wasn’t completely sure what he meant by that and how serious it was; the fact was both seemed to like it so he didn’t think over it much. Meanwhile Theo was too distracted to think over anything.

“You know we look ridiculous, right?” Alex snickered and whispered into Theo’s ear to wake him up a bit.

“Great,” he answered shortly to show he couldn’t care less. In fact, Alex agreed with him. But what they implied with this dance wasn’t totally identical. Theo, however, considered it an univocal sign that, aside from alcohol, fed the fire even more. Adam’s advice was consigned to oblivion as the gap lessened, and Theo bent his head a bit forward so the foreheads touched. The careful fingers on Theo’s back shuddered scarcely. With every vanishing bit of the distance Alex lowered his head, though not breaking the touch, but escaping from the eager lips, the desire of which was so untimely. Not considering a defeat yet, Theo put a hand on Alex’s cheek and raised his face with an interrogative look. The skin was warm of blush, and the cheekbone felt like a fiery dagger. When their stares finally met after a minute of hide-and-seek, both were expressing more confusion than any other emotion, and Alex fetched away at once.

“I’ll go grab a drink… or something…” he mumbled, trailing away, and only then Theo heard the lively and irrelevant music playing, saw all the guests around, a couple of which gave him bewildered looks, and understood how stupid all of this was. Congrats, Theo, he said to himself, you might have just ruined everything. He put a hand in his pocket to pull the phone out and glance at the time but instead his fingers stumbled upon the pocket watch, the recent present that reminded him of what Adam had recommended. Theo’s palm squeezed the cold metal as if it would somehow help him to fix the mistake he had made. Sure, Adam was right, he thought, Adam was much more reasonable than he was and lacked the impulsiveness Theo had.

He thought that Adam could also tell him what to do next and looked around, searching for his friend, but there was no sign of him nearby. Walking through the crowd, Theo turned his head here and there and ignored all the attempts to be talked to. At the moment he only needed and wanted to talk to Adam. Finally, Theo saw him and froze. Adam was sitting on a couch with Mary on his lap. They were talking and laughing softly, with their fingers interlaced. The look of pure happiness on their faces made Theo lower his eyebrows and clench his fists involuntarily. The sweet couple kissed, and Theo turned away. He thought he was over it, he thought a lot had happened and the old bullet in his heart would never bother him again but seeing this in the mood he was exterminated him. Everything didn’t seem fair to him: after the breakup one had all and another had nothing, one moved on and was happily in love and another could cope with neither his past crush nor the present one.

It was far too much for one evening and Theo couldn’t handle it. He poured vigorous shots in his throat one after another, not looking what he was drinking and soon not even noticing tastes or smells. At that point, he thought, there was nothing else to lose and he just wanted to give his jaded mind a spirituous break.

Meanwhile Alex was standing somewhere in the opposite part of the building with a beer and thinking over what had just happened. There were several reasons why he had rejected Theo but that wasn’t because he had had something against the kiss itself. It was just unexpected, improper and quite drunk – but not totally undesirable. Just when Alex thought he had to find Theo and explain this to him, if his turbid mind would understand, the birthday-haver himself ran into him, looking at least thrice more drunk that he had been before.

“Hey, Al!” Theo shouted while shuffling his legs in order not to fall down, which was becoming harder and harder. Eventually his legs crossed and he fell down on his knees. “I thought I had to say sorry for all the shit I… though I can’t fucking remember what it was… anyway, it wasn’t me, it was tequila, ha-ha, can’t blame me for that!” he laughed, standing up heavily, and crashed into the wall at once. A squeezed singing voice suddenly followed: “Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry, you don’t know how lovely you are… Yeah, indeed…”

“Okay, could’ve done without Coldplay,” Alex said with a slight look of guilt in his face as he couldn’t help thinking he was the reason Theo had brought himself to this condition, “Now you have to sit down.”

Alex tore Theo off the wall and led him to the nearest couch as Theo didn’t stop babbling.

“Why the fuck is everything spinning around? I didn’t order a fucking merry-go-round! I’m so old… old and miserable and lonely! This party is a total failure… just as its host is. I want to cancel everything. It’s horrendous.”

“Come on, it’s not so bad. I told you about these parties though,” Alex noticed, seated Theo and sat near him, “How much have you had?”

“Didn’t count,” Theo answered and dropped his head on Alex’s shoulder. Not another word was heard from him in a while. Alex pushed him slightly to find out Theo had fallen asleep. To make him more comfortable, he tried to lay Theo down, but the tipsy body wasn’t easy to cope with. These hopeless attempts were interrupted soon – Adam was walking by with a drink and stopped at the disturbing scene.

“What’s going on?” he asked tensely.

“Wasted and now asleep,” Alex nodded at the sleeping drunkard, “I don’t know his drinking habits but you probably do. How much does it take for him to run into a wall, sing Coldplay and then pass out?”

“Actually, the first two don’t take any. As for passing out… his border is very high. I’m not even sure how much he needs for this.”

Adam sat, lifted defenceless drunkard and shook him a bit. No response followed. Suddenly it dawned on Adam that this condition wasn’t an accident. Theo knew his boundaries very well and, if he broke them, it could only be intentional. What could the reason be? Adam had only one guess. As if confirming it, Alex said:

“It’s my fault. I’ll take him home. Here’s not a good place for him right now, you know.”

“No, I will,” Adam protested with a sudden force, “You don’t even know where he lives.”

“Yeah, but I can ask. Not that hard, isn’t it?”

“I always help Theo, you don’t have to bother.”

“Why the fuck shouldn’t I? You’d better stay here and watch over the presents or something.”

“Plenty of other people can do that. His brother is here, he’ll take care of everything.”

Both were arguing louder and louder, and, after all, Theo opened his weary eyes. He looked at Alex on the left, then at Adam on the right, and mumbled in horror:

“Am I in a nightmare? What are you two doing?”

“Arguing over who will take you home,” Alex explained graciously, and Theo let out a moan.

“Yeah, this is a nightmare, maybe if I close my eyes again, it will go away…” he muttered and covered his face with palms. Alex sighed.

“Maybe we’ll just go together? I don’t think I’ll cope with him alone anyway,” he suggested in a conciliating tone, and Adam nodded. Uniting efforts, they tried to lift Theo up from the couch and carry him out but he turned out to be not so motionless and waved his arms in indignation.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Alex wondered, evading the hits, “Trying to fly away?”

“What the fuck do you two think you’re doing? I’m scared! Are you conspiring against me?” Theo screamed and shuffled agiler, delivering both helpers numerous punches. Adam shifted behind him to block his arms but Alex stayed where he was and, before Adam gained control, got under the loose attack that wasn’t hard enough to hurt but brought a lot of mess anyway. As soon as Adam held Theo’s riotous arms behind his back and dragged him outside, Alex complained:

“You’ve ruined my hair!”

“You’ve ruined my heart!” Theo echoed resentfully from the fencing grasp, and Adam instantly flinched, though trying not to show he had heard something at all. It was like overhearing a conversation that was meant for not more than two people but at the same time concerned you as well, so eventually you don’t know what to do with this information. Apparently, Alex didn’t know either. He reverted his eyes and helped Adam put Theo in a taxi without another word. When the odd company settled in the backseat with Theo in the middle and the car started, the silence became even more awkward. Meanwhile Theo calmed down a bit but didn’t stop trying to fracture the taxi ceiling from time to time so Adam and Alex squeezed him and clutched both of his hands, each from his side. Theo lay back with his eyes closed and smiled.

“Yeah, come on, squeeze me harder, you two. I like where this is going.”

“Theo!” Adam roared and punched him in the side as Alex burst out laughing.

“A bit of punching will do as well.”

Blushing, Adam looked away and pulled out his phone to call Mary and tell her to go home without him. 5 minutes ago he was too concerned about Theo to warn her at the club. But Theo wasn’t going to mute so soon.

“No! Phones, my dear friend, are forbidden! You’re always staring at the screen while you could be staring at me, it’s so annoying, thank god Alex’s not that type! Right, Al? We’ll fix this up. I have so many ideas. Idea №1: you are lying on your back with your legs on my shoulders, and Adam is…”

“Enough!” both exclaimed. Adam decided that texting would be safer.

“Why? Okay, here goes idea №2: I am leaning over a table and…”

“We don’t doubt your extensive knowledge of gay threesome positions,” Alex interrupted him, “Just don’t verbalise them all, okay?”

“… and leave me out,” added Adam, “I have a girlfriend, if anyone’s interested.”

“Well, goodbye then,” Theo mouthed and clung to Alex demonstratively. When Alex’s hand landed on Theo’s shoulder, he felt a sudden advent of drowsiness. The world stopped wandering around and froze at this moment as if it reached its final destination. He was far from sobering up but at least his exhilaration charge dried out.

“Now, this is better,” Alex murmured, stroking Theo’s hair, in a couple of minutes, when Theo had been calm for some time. Adam sneered.

“Better? We’re almost there. Say that again when we’re dragging this drunk body upstairs.”

However, they managed to do it rather fast. Theo didn’t resist and only winced a bit when Adam put his hand in Theo’s pocket to pull out the keys. When Theo was peacefully sleeping in his bed at last, Adam and Alex looked at each other at a loss. Both didn’t know what to do next. Leave? Stay there? For how long? And who had to stay? As if answering Adam’s contemplations, Alex concluded:

“Someone should watch him. Who knows what he can do in a state like this when he wakes up?”

“Well, I do. It’s far from his worst. He’ll be fine, there’s no need at this point.”

“Great. I’ll stay anyway,” Alex snapped at his unfavourable tone. The statement made Adam even more annoyed. He was absolutely sure Theo didn’t have to be helped anymore but at the same time he didn’t want to share the helper’s role with anyone. A part of his mind told him just to go home to Mary and leave these two in peace now and forever. That was the reasonable part that had always been the stronger one. Not at that point though. “But I can’t stay for long. I have a flight in the morning,” Alex went on worriedly, throwing glances at Theo.

“Then I’ll stay too,” Adam decided on the spur of the moment and damned himself mutely for this decision at once, “Wake me up when you have to leave and I promise he won’t step out of the window or anything,” he added and proceeded to the living room to avoid any further spontaneous choices.

As a matter of fact, Adam wasn’t sleepy but still he lay on the couch and drowned in a sudden attack of uncalled-for vivid memories. The ceiling, which he was staring at, seemed a huge screen showing the footage Adam hadn’t thought about in a long time. He was reminiscing about him and Theo cuddling and watching films on that very couch, about spending days and nights in that very flat and forgetting about his own one, about dating that very person who was lying motionless behind the wall with his loved one. These memories gave Adam a bittersweet flavor. For a second he even doubted the reasonableness of breaking up with Theo not because he had done something wrong but because Adam hadn’t expected their relationship to be stable and long-lasting. In substance, he decided to hurt before he got hurt himself, and ultimately it led to both being in pain. But he immediately reminded himself how much happier he was with Mary and that his sudden nostalgia was caused by nothing more than the weird circumstances, spiced with some alcohol.

While Adam was drifting in the past, Alex was more worried about the future. He hadn’t thought that the evening would end this way and felt a bit guilty for it. There had been dozens of options in his head but none of them included Theo being so drunk and asleep when the party was probably going on even without its host. Alex checked the time – he had 4 or 5 hours until he had to leave. It was an aggravating feeling, especially when their long-awaited meeting ended so quickly, awkwardly and ineffectually. And who knew when the next one would happen?

Even cannon fire wouldn’t wake Theo up at that point, still Alex tried not to make a single sound. He noticed a book on the nightstand, with some leaflet sticking out of it. In order not to fall asleep, he decided to light the desk lamp and give this book a chance. The pages were marked here and there, apparently indicating places that Theo had found the most interesting. Even more intrigued, Alex immersed himself in reading, and the only thing that distracted him now and then was Theo sleeping close at hand. A bit too close to concentrate.


	4. Return

“Finally!” Adam mumbled, looking up from his phone, as soon Theo fidgeted with a sleepy moan and opened his eyes, “How do you feel?”

Bizarre dreams, containing occasional memories of the evening, had been torturing Theo all night long. The terrifying sequence ended with a scene of Adam and Alex pulling him apart, each to his side, while Theo felt too weak to rush to someone or resist both, and the fear of being torn woke him up. The nightmare was too vivid and tangible to fetch away from at once.

“What are you doing here?” Theo muttered into the pillow, his voice hoarse and low.

“Watching you.”

“I don’t need any watchers. You know this.”

“I do. But your pal insisted badly.”

“What pal? There was a fucking crowd of my pals at the party.”

“The one you want to be more than just a pal.”

“What? Alex?” Theo wiggled as though trying to rise and gave up at once when he hit the bed with his head, “What do you mean – “he insisted”? Why? I can’t remember anything…”

“He was here too and watched you but he couldn’t stay because he has a flight. So he asked me to help.”

“Oh, yeah, the flight, I remember… Wait, what the fuck was I doing if I had to be watched by both of you?!”

“You were just sleeping. But your earlier antics worried him. Then you sort of blacked out so we decided to take you home. By the way, when conscious again, you suggested a threesome.”

Theo let out a nervous snicker.

“And..?”

“What – “and”? I refused and I have no idea what you two were doing here while I was sleeping in the living room,” Adam scoffed.

“Fuck you, Adam. I mean, how did Alex react? You don’t think I would suggest you a threesome, being sober, do you?”

“He laughed. But it wasn’t like he was willing to discuss or participate.”

Theo pulled his phone out of the pocket to have a look at the situation from a different perspective. Before he remembered Alex was on a plane and there was no use calling him, he saw three messages. “Sorry I didn’t say goodbye, didn’t want to wake you up,” said the first one. Another had been sent in an hour: “I borrowed your book by accident. I was so absorbed I just took it with me”. “Text me when you wake up so I know you’re okay,” said the last one. Theo’s rising mouth corners told Adam everything, and he went on in a colder tone (“He could’ve at least thanked me instead of smiling at his stupid messages!” Adam thought):

“Well, if you’re fine, I’ll leave now. Mary’s probably mad at me. But before I go… listen, Theo, why were you even so drunk? I know your habits and you know your limit. Did something bad happen?”

“Uh…” Theo winced, “I can’t remember. What are you hinting at, anyway?”

“Nothing,” Adam instantly took a defensive position, “Okay. Just wondering. I’ll go, bye.”

Confused, Theo watched him go, not lifting his head from the pillow. Afterwards he did remember. The realization felt so stupid he blushed. Grieving because he had seen Adam with his girlfriend, bemusing Alex with clumsy wooing in the middle of the party he hadn’t felt comfortable at – how had all of this even come to Theo’s mind? He frowned. It wasn’t supposed to end this way, and those two didn’t have to know they were the reasons. Adam in particular.

***

“So what are you up to?” Theo asked on the phone. Almost a week had passed after the drunk episode.

“Well, eh, there are still some gigs left… like a short tour… and other stuff,” Alex murmured indistinctly. It was late in the evening, and he felt sleepy; though Theo woke up early on purpose to call him at a decent time and sounded cheerful.

“I mean, when are you going to be free?”

“There’s another week of gigs and then we’re still busy with promo things. Don’t know for how long.”

“It’s a pity. We should see each other soon. First of all, you have my book and I want to know how it ends,” Theo chuckled, and heard laugh in reply.

“Sorry, I just got really absorbed. Like, I was in that world instead of the real one, and the simplest things like putting the book in its place seemed weird and needless. I’ll give it back as soon as I can, I promise.”

“I hope. I just don’t know what to do with my time now,” Theo lamented almost seriously, “Whatever I do, there’s still loads of time left.”

“Why don’t you and Adam write something?” Alex wondered. It seemed the most natural option to him.

“M… nah, not the best time,” Theo faltered, preferring to conceal the fact he and Adam had barely talked to each other since the party. On the contrary, he heard Alex’s voice every day and sometimes even more than once. Seeing Theo in the most vulnerable and ridiculous state somehow attached Alex to him even more, as if it was some secret you share only with closest ones. Unlike the week before Theo’s birthday, Alex called him regularly and sounded more at ease, and that relieved Theo a lot. At first he was afraid he had done something that could push Alex away and forgotten about it. But, fortunately, nothing like that happened. Moreover, their talks often balanced on the long hoped-for edge, and Theo allowed himself to say a bit more than before. “I’m just so sick of sticking here. Can I be your groupie?”

Alex burst out laughing.

“I’ll see what I can do. But, honestly, I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Why?”

“Because I’ll be too distracted and fuck up the tour,” Alex explained jestingly.

“All work and no play makes Alex a dull boy,” Theo laughed.

“I’m all open for play after the tour ends though,” Alex added meaningfully in a deep voice, and Theo let out a mute hooray.

“I’ll see what I can do,” he played along but Alex switched to the regular topics again.

“By the way, the book. These marks. I found one of them striking and I wanted to ask…”

***

Another week passed. The talks stayed the same. Eventually Theo was mostly lying on his bed and googling tickets to LA. The dreams of surprising Alex with a sudden visit, like it happens in films, felt too nice but Theo stopped himself every time. He followed Alex’s advice and called Adam once, offering him to work. But the phone call caught him in the middle of a vacation with Mary somewhere in the Mediterranean region. Theo took it as a personal insult and plunged in even deeper sorrow.

For him, separation wasn’t habitual. When he dated Adam, they were always near at hand, and so, more or less, it was with Theo’s other dates. He didn’t even appreciate this fact enough. Alex at least called him every morning and evening but after all being apart and not knowing what would happen next drove Theo mad. Once he didn’t get a customary evening call: it was substituted with a perplexing text “Can’t talk right now, will call you later”. Theo hadn’t had such an insomnious night for a long time. When he heard a call in the morning (however, later than usually), Theo grabbed the phone faster than the second word of the ringtone was sung.

“Thank god! What happened?”

“Nothing, I was just busy and then couldn’t talk.”

“Fuck, I was worried!”

“Sorry. How are you? Still bored?”

“And how!” Theo exclaimed angrily. The obscurity became unbearable, and he couldn’t hold his tongue anymore. “Al, why don’t you just stop feeding me with soons and tell me when we can meet? And if you don’t know, why don’t you want me to come to you at least for a couple of days? It’s not a fucking problem! All I want is to spend some time with you and I’m willing to do anything for it but you don’t seem to…”

“Easy, easy,” Alex interrupted quite calmly for a person who had just been shouted at, “There’s no need for sacrifices. Okay, you want it, you got it. No more soons. Come to me now, I’m waiting.”

“Now you’re talking,” Theo calmed down a bit, “I’ll go buy a ticket then…”

“You don’t need a ticket.”

“What?”

“Walk outside.”

Theo ran down at his best running abilities. Alex was standing at the door with a cigarette, and Theo almost knocked him down with a hug. The cigarette fell down from the pale fingers, and soon they were lying on Theo’s back.

“You’re such a dick,” Theo mumbled with such an amount of fondness which was more appropriate for a love confession.

“Yeah, but I managed to do all the promo stuff in a couple of days to come here to you, so a very hard-working dick. Pun not intended,” Alex laughed into Theo’s neck. They stood like this almost for a minute, and Theo started to wonder whether it would be okay to pick up this little teaser right now and bring him upstairs to discipline but suddenly Alex lifted his head of Theo’s shoulder.

“Wait, I… I forgot the book.”

“Fuck the book,” Theo proclaimed impatiently, “The only thing that matters is that you are here.”

“I mean, it’s not in LA but I left it in my another flat this morning. Here, in London, not too far from here. Let’s take a walk, you should learn the address just in case, anyway,” Alex resolved.

A bit disappointed, Theo followed him. All the way there they talked, laughed and teased each other but probably Alex wasn’t prone to doing something too intimate at the moment. Every time Theo tried to pull him closer, Alex just dodged gracefully and snickered. When they were standing at his door at last, he warned:

“It’s sort of… messy there. I started a renovation several weeks ago. Just can’t find time to do it all properly so apparently it’s for long. I’m like a pendulum going from LA to London and back again. Now it’s London time, I think,” he smiled and unlocked the door.

The dusty renovation smell issued from the flat at once. The floor and the walls were bare. It wasn’t a very big or intricate flat you would expect – or the chaotically positioned pieces of furniture gave the wrong impression of congestion. Alex disappeared behind a wardrobe, standing in the middle of the room, and came back with the book soon.

“Sorry I can’t invite you to stay. You see how unfit it is now,” he regretted, holding out the book, “The only liveable place is the bedroom but it’s sort of… cluttered up with stuff and smelling of paint so… it wouldn’t be comfortable to, uh… stay there…”

Theo smiled adoringly.

“No rush,” he reassured and patted Alex on the shoulder with the free hand, “I know what we can do. Do you want to play a little?”

“Play what?” Alex asked sensibly as Theo’s hand moved to his waist.

“Music. What did you think?” Theo grinned, “I mean, there’s a studio where Adam and I play… about 10 minutes by tube from here. I think the rehearsal room should be vacant now so grab your guitar and we’ll go.”

There were at least two reasons for Theo to suggest this. First of all, he missed playing music and Adam didn’t seem to grasp this and join him. Then, Theo knew Alex was going to be bolder doing what he enjoyed most. And he was right: Alex’s eyes lighted up with enthusiasm, and he smiled like a child who was told he was going to Disneyland.

At first they couldn’t achieve coherence and harmony as both didn’t know the work principles of each other and just tried to adapt. They were even afraid to fool around too much. But the adjusting stage passed quickly: when Alex started playing Oasis, Theo almost jumped of delight and rushed to the piano to accompany and sing along. When the last notes faded away, they looked at each other in silence for a moment.

“Wow. Never thought it could sound that way,” Alex marvelled at the sudden version, “Let’s try something else like this.”

A lot of fairly different songs were played that day. There weren’t any windows in the room so they didn’t notice when the evening came. Theo stood up to walk around and take a rest, and Alex started playing a song Theo hadn’t heard before. It was something old, with the 60s vibes, cozy and nostalgic. Fascinated by the unfamiliar tune, Theo walked closer, and Alex made a step towards him too, singing all the words into his smiling face and leaning forward with wily sparks in his eyes. Theo was listening with interest. Not looking away from him, Alex stopped, and Theo babbled:

“Fantastic song! I loved it so much! Whose was it? I haven’t hea-…” – Alex turned the guitar around so it would hang behind his back with a deft move and pulled the talker into a kiss. His hands were lying on Theo’s waist with the confidence Theo needed for a long time. It was not that Alex didn’t want to kiss him before but it wasn’t the dominant part until the recent days when Alex felt like pretending they were just friends wouldn’t make sense anymore. And then, his favorite songs sung in this heavenly voice were the last straw of persuasion.

Theo pulled away with a barely suppressed grin.

“You just don’t want to tell, do you? My question still stands,” he sat on a guitar amp, and the broad smile eventually broke away.

“Maybe you just don’t deserve it,” Alex laughed off, putting the guitar away tranquilly, “Not knowing such a song!” he shook his head.

“Shame on me, okay,” Theo conceded and grabbed the edge of Alex’s jacket to pull him closer, “Come on, educate the ignorant.”

“Still don’t deserve it,” Alex crooned, smiling. Before Theo found what to say next and was just scanning him yearningly, he sat himself on Theo’s lap, put an arm around his neck and kissed him again, in a more ardent manner this time.

All seeming questions in Theo’s head waved goodbye for good. He held the engrossed musician on his back with one hand so he wouldn’t fall and stroked his hip with another. If the first kiss had been a bit of a question, this was a strong statement. For a second it flashed through Alex’s mind that he could and should have stated it much earlier. As for Theo, he was too carried away to think about any matters of the past, when the present was so fine at last. They could have sat in this long-awaited heated embrace until their booked time expired, which was about an hour away, but…

“What the fuck is going on here?” – they heard an overwhelmed voice from the door. Theo turned his head abruptly. He knew the voice. It was Adam, standing in the doorway with a guitar, his cheeks red – maybe of embarrassment from the accidentally seen scene but, considering his tone and whole look, most probably of fury. Theo had never seen his friend’s generally calm face contain such an acid mixture of hate, anger and offense.

“And what the fuck is wrong with what’s going on here?” Theo echoed, irritated, as Alex jumped up and stepped away.

It looked like Adam was choking on the attempts to talk.

“Theo, may I have a word with you outside?” Adam finally muttered.

Walking away, Theo touched Alex’s hand fleetly. The previous scene was beyond awkward, and Alex had blushed noticeably, though Theo’s face didn’t show any discomfort – just great vexation. As soon as he was outside, Adam flared up again.

“Have you gone mad? Dragging him here, making out like a couple of horny teenagers… What the fuck, Theo?”

“I don’t understand what makes you so angry. We closed the door. And who knew you were going to burst in like some revengeful husband? How did the receptionist even let you in? Didn’t she tell you the room was occupied?”

“She just nodded at me while I walked by as usual, and you know why? Because she fucking thought I’m with you! With you, like I always am when I come here! And you brought him!”

“And you came here on your own today, didn’t you?” Theo wondered crustily, “You didn’t even tell me though I asked you!”

“But it’s our place! You don’t just bring whoever you want here!”

“Adam, seriously, dozens of bands play here and you don’t give a fuck! You understand I’m not making a band with Alex and leaving you, right? It wouldn’t make any sense! We just played around, what’s bad about that? Calm the fuck down, okay?”

For a second Adam did calm down, suddenly realizing how ridiculous and causeless his scandal sounded. It really didn’t make any sense at all. But thinking about what he had just seen still gave him a strange fight itch. Already enraged, Theo went on:

“And what am I supposed to do if I want to play but you don’t seem to remember we’re a band at all? I have no wish to start this talk all over again but all you care about is your fucking girlfriend and then you say I’ve gone mad? Me? Really? You come here alone without telling me and I’m the only one who breaks the “always together” rule?”

“Okay, do you want to know why I didn’t tell you?” Adam yelled so fiercely his voice cracked, “I didn’t want to see you for a while. And now I don’t even more.”

“What have I done?” Theo squeaked.

The simplest question made Adam subside. By no means he could admit he wanted to break away for some time because Theo’s private life started to concern him more than his own one, and the night after the birthday party gave him too many ill-timed thoughts and regrets. Adam just wanted to free himself, erasing the reason of disturbance from his life until he learnt how to deal with it without an urge to smash something or someone. When the festivals ended, it seemed quite easy to do. And Adam almost succeeded. But this unexpected meeting made him even angrier than he was initially. At first he felt replaced as a friend, then – as a lover and as a musician, and it was hard to say which was the toughest. Probably all three. However, Adam could shout about only two of them. He would rather tell Theo goodbye once and for all than admit certain things, including the reason why he couldn’t stand seeing him with Alex. There was nothing he could do about it, even though the circumstances were highly inopportune.

To avoid the clear answer, Adam just waved his hand indefinably and looked away. Theo was still waiting, his heavy breathing being the only thing that filled the silence. Having waited enough, Theo cried out again:

“You don’t even know, you just ruin my life with no reason! Maybe it really is better if we don’t see each other for a while. I hope you have time to visit a psychiatrist,” he concluded crossly and rushed back to the building to call Alex. His eyes were almost teary. How could it be that he and Adam, best friends, soulmates and each other’s endless sources of inspiration and delight, came to this? Adam kicked the nearest trashcan in warm blood and walked away as fast as he could.

Almost for ten minutes Theo and Alex walked side by side without a word. Commonly Theo would have been babbling about the quarrel non-stop but this time he didn’t want to drag Alex into this conflict he didn’t quite understand himself. Moreover, explaining could lead to the period about which Alex didn’t necessarily have to know. In fact, at that point Alex was already suspicious about the whole case. He didn’t feel particular enmity towards Adam but his continuous bursts of temper were getting on his nerves a lot. On the one hand, Alex wanted to know what was going on, but on the other hand he had a feeling intervening wouldn’t make it any better.

Nevertheless, he took Theo’s hand and asked cautiously:

“Is everything alright?”

“It’s… it’s nothing, we’ll get through,” Theo mumbled just as reservedly but immediately lost control and whined, “It seems like Adam hates me with no apparent reason. He’s been making up absurd pretensions and then… he said he didn’t want to see me for a while. I don’t even know whether we’ll ever make music together again. I just don’t understand him but he refuses to explain…”

“He hates me, doesn’t he?” Alex clarified serenely.

“Why’s that?”

“I don’t know. But it’s quite clear to me. I guess, he wasn’t like that before we met.”

“Before we met, he… eh… he was a nice guy, yeah. I don’t think it’s all because of you. Maybe it’s something like a crisis. I don’t know for sure, he doesn’t tell me a lot nowadays but perhaps this is the reason. He’s not that aggressive usually, I swear.”

“Oh well, try talking to him without me around, and I bet it’s going to work. The less you mention me, the better it goes,” Alex recommended tartly, deep down hoping that those two actually wouldn’t see each other for some time. By then Adam wasn’t the only one whose mental balance suffered.

“Even if I do, I’ll do it much later. Right now I don’t want to see him for, like, a month. Lucky that hiatus allows,” Theo reasoned in a conclusive manner. Relieved, Alex sighed and changed the subject.

However, the conversation didn’t get on as easily as it always did. Commonly, Theo was the keener speaker, and Alex just had to follow his stream of consciousness and react periodically. But this time they had different roles: Alex tried to shake up the wistful singer with might and main, and Theo reacted untimely and briefly. After several bangs against this sudden barrier Alex got tired and shushed. They kept walking along the sunset streets in silence, and Alex, to his annoyance and pain, felt a bit left out of Theo’s world. It was particularly notable, compared with the morning, when Theo was ready to rush across the ocean just to see Alex – and then he barely noticed him. He didn’t even pay attention to Alex intentionally missing the turn to his street.

The speechless couple entered the building together (no reaction from Theo again) and proceeded to the elevator. The doors closed, and Theo looked at Alex so perplexedly as though he noticed him for the first time. Alex smiled innocently.

“You know, I’m not very delighted about going back to my paint-smelling flat. Do you mind if I stay for a while?”

“Yeah, I guess… fine!” Theo murmured in the same absent voice but lingered on the last word a bit and glanced at Alex.

They were standing in the dusky flat and looking at each other without a word. The tiny lights from the street sneaked through the window to illuminate both faces faintly. This silent look was more uniting than the whole walk home. As though waking up from a moment of unconsciousness, Theo winced and reached for the light switch but Alex caught his hand and shook his head blandly. Theo looked back at him again. The grasp remained, and Alex laid the free hand on Theo’s cheek.

“So where were we?” Alex wondered softly, stroking his face with a thumb. The simple tender gestures eclipsed every other thing in Theo’s mind, even the most negative and disturbing one. He didn’t need words – he had had more than enough of them that day; but just some display of affection had healing effects. In the scarce light, Theo could only see Alex; and even if he had let him to turn the light on, this wouldn’t have been different. Theo leaned forward but Alex smiled and put both hands on his shoulders. “Not quite,” he noticed and pushed Theo lightly further into the flat until his legs hit the bed, and Theo flopped down, his expression balancing between amazement and impatience. For some moments Alex kept standing with a grin, enjoying this look on his face.

“I was here, wasn’t I?” he pointed at Theo’s lap and recreated the position leisurely. Theo embraced him again, and Alex licked his lips teasingly within a few inches from Theo’s open mouth. The clasp tightened, and finally the teaser allowed a kiss. Getting more and more captivated, Alex leaned against Theo’s chest heavily so he would lie back. When he did, Alex relocated himself not to crush Theo down and leaned over the heavy breathing figure gracefully; Theo sighed slowly, glancing at the slim outlines above.

“I might stay a bit longer than a while, I guess,” Alex mumbled, being pulled down at the shirt collar, and Theo chuckled.

“You’d better. For a start, you haven’t told me the song title yet – don’t you think I’d forget – and I’m not going to let you leave like this,” he threatened with a light laugh.

“Oh, the song title,” Alex smiled vaguely and looked away for a moment. The brief pause filled with quiet rustle of Theo’s hands going through both shirts’ buttons. Having thought for a while, Alex leaned to Theo’s ear and whispered slowly, trying not to laugh, “You’ve got to deserve it then.” Theo raised his eyebrows, and a content grin curved his lips, as Alex kissed his neck and slid up to the ear again, “I bet you will.”


	5. Home

The next day it turned out that “a bit longer than for a while” was an extensible concept. Even an hour didn’t pass since Alex had left, when Theo opened the door again to see the very same face with a wily smile dancing on his lips.

“I think I’ve left my phone,” Alex explained and came in.

“Alright,” Theo mumbled, his face gaining pensiveness, “But where? It could be in the bedroom but I’m quite sure I didn’t see it. Maybe in the living room? Yeah, definitely, we sat there for so long, and I can’t remember you going anywhere else. But I had been there just before you came, and I should have noticed… Well, I’ll go look closer…”

“Okay, wait, you don’t think I have no other reasons to come back but the phone, do you?” Alex chuckled, pulled his phone out his pocket as though passingly and looked at the screen, “By the way, I’m in no hurry, the search can wait.”

“Oh, in that sense,” Theo raised his eyebrows, trying not to laugh, “Have I already told you how much of an asshole you are? I already thought I had lost your phone in my own flat!”

“Sounds likely, you know.”

“Shut up.”

“Can I consider you willing to search later, then?”

A grin flashed on Theo’s face, and he quickly grabbed Alex’s phone from his hand and walked away, shrugging.

“I don’t know, I’m not good at finding objects. Do it yourself. Frisk somebody, if needed,” he added with a cunning laugh. For a moment Alex just stood there, speechless, but then he rushed after, shouting:

“What the fuck are you going to do with my phone?!”

He stayed at the apartment both that and the next day, and only on the third day, when the night was falling, he came up to Theo and began discursive explanations.

“I hope I’m not an inconvenience… you know, I underestimated all this renovation dirt and clutter, forgot what it looked like when I started, my flat is just not livable… but it was, like, half-abandoned before so I had to… uh… do you mind if I stay a bit longer? I’m afraid it’s sort of rushing things…”

“Alex, for god’s sake,” Theo exclaimed, turning away from his CD collection – he was trying to find some that would impress Alex, “Inconvenience is if you don’t. Bring your stuff and stay as long as you want. We’ll be fine.”

With a smile, Alex put a hand on Theo’s shoulder and gave him a cheek kiss.

“Get ready to stumble upon a guitar in every single room then.”

“It’s okay.”

“Nah, just kidding, most of them are in LA.”

“I knew it! By the way, do you want me to help you with your flat, if you’re so worried about it?”

“Uh… are you sure? I mean, yesterday you were just trying to take something from the upper shelf of the bookcase, and it ended with an avalanche of books and a broken TV remote control. Which was lying at the opposite corner of the room, by the way,” Alex added, his arms around Theo’s waist, and peered at the disks behind his shoulder.

“Yeah. We have to try. It’s hard to fuck up your flat any more at this point. Even for me,” Theo laughed, “It’s just so exciting! We can come up with anything and do it, we can recreate some classic interior, we can make the best place in the world!”

“I’m afraid all we can make is some rustic kennel,” Alex doubted, but Theo turned to him with a face so delighted it was hard to say no to him.

“Come on, don’t be so dull!” he called in an enthusiastic tone, “We’re going to rock your place!”

And so they started coming to Alex’s place every now and then, armed with cans of paint, rollers, drills and other renovation supplies. The process didn’t move fast as mostly they were snogging, fooling around and laughing at the stupidest things. Whenever they chose a day to go to the flat and get down to business, the actual work didn’t start until evening, if it started at all.

Alex drew on bare walls and completed the drawings with random words and quotes, Theo danced in the empty rooms and dragged Alex in too, then he exclaimed: “Wait! Listen to what I’ve found!” – and they started listening to some song. Usually Theo knocked over a can or something else, but, instead of rushing for a mop, both just stood at the expanding colorful puddle and gazed at it, like it was the most meaningful thing in the world. As soon as the spot was impressive enough, Theo tried to find the right angle to take the most dramatic picture, and Alex burst out laughing. Once Theo turned on Noir Désir by Vive La Fete and stared at Alex inquisitively and longingly, wondering if he would understand the film reference (he didn’t, but Theo was kind enough to explain and show). Only when they noticed it was dark outside, they collected themselves and tried to do something useful. But that was a trifle. When they came home, Theo started scampering around Alex in an excited way and giggled: “You have a paint spot on your neck! And on your arm! Wow, too bad… (Alex undid his shirt with a smile, already knowing where this was going) On your stomach too! We have to wash this right away, paint is so toxic…” Theo explained with a worried face, and Alex pushed him towards the bathroom, laughing at his awkwardness.

More or less so, this flirting foolery repeated every time. At night, lying together in Theo’s bed, Alex’s shaggy ungelled head on Theo’s chest, they remembered about the failed plans again.

“We have to do something for real soon,” Alex murmured on the edge of sleep, clinging closer and making himself more comfortable, so that his head would be near Theo’s.

“Yeah, sure,” Theo admitted.

“No, I’m serious. Let’s start with painting the living room’s walls. They look like some pretentious contemporary art gallery now.”

“Okay.”

“And we have to buy some paint since you’ve wasted half a can on drawing those dripping hearts.”

“But I got a fantastic picture!”

“Yeah, with your dark silhouette in front of them. Very moody. I took it, I remember. But it’s not that I want them as a permanent decoration,” Alex laughed faintly, with his eyes already closed.

“I’ll paint whatever you want,” Theo promised and planted a goodnight kiss on Alex’s temple.

But again and again the sequence repeated itself. In the end they just stopped trying – anyway, they felt fine living in Theo’s flat together, and their domestic quirks turned out to be compatible. Moreover, plenty of other things could enliven their vacation. Theo never ran out of ideas about where they could go together, and, even when Alex slept until afternoon and then had no wish to leave the bed at all, he had enough energy to drag him to places. As a rule, in the end Alex was even thankful. Both eventually introduced each other to their friends, though not being very specific about who they were introducing (anyway, they weren’t specific themselves and didn’t use any terms). Theo quickly palled up with Alex’s friends; on the opposite, Alex couldn’t find a common language with Theo’s mates until he had a couple of drinks, but eventually everyone and everything was fine.

Almost a month passed since the quarrel, and every so often Theo had an urge to call Adam. His finger hung over Adam’s name on the phone screen a lot of times but never actually pressed the button. When Theo remembered the offense, he lost all the will to conciliate. Once he asked Alex, whether he had to call Adam, but he forgot to take into account that Alex was a subjective adviser.

“I don’t know,” he shrugged, “To me, he’s the side that should call you and apologize. If it really is the way you described. If he doesn’t, that probably means he’s fine without you and keeps the same opinion. Anyway, what would you say to him?”

“I’d think of something. Maybe you’re right. But we’re still a band so sooner or later we’ll have to meet and work. Well, I hope so…” Theo contemplated aloud.

Words turned out to draw deeds. A day after that talk Theo finally got a call from Adam. For some time Theo just stared at the screen in doubt.

“Hey,” he finally answered.

“Hi, Theo. How’ve you been?”

“Fine. You?”

Alex, lying on the couch with his guitar, mouthed a question silently, and Theo nodded. The fingers on the guitar neck tensed up.

“Alright. Sorry for the mess I made then. I guess, I catastrophized. It was absurd.”

“Yeah, glad you’ve realized,” Theo remarked, noticing that Adam’s voice was tired and dismal, “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Listen, maybe we’ll work today?” Adam ignored the question in the same cheerless voice, “I know we’re, like, having a break but it would be great to keep the spirit. And I’ve written something.”

Theo thought that Adam writing something was a sign that he wasn’t alright at all.

“Yeah, okay. At the studio in half an hour,” he just determined, “Is that alright?”

“Deal,” Adam hung up, and Theo turned to the frowning singer.

“Finally! Adam calls me to work so I’ll go for a while, okay?”

“Great. Glad for you,” Alex looked away and started playing again.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. I’m just bad at showing approval, you know,” Alex demonstrated a forced smile, the duality of which Theo missed, “I know it’s important for you. Don’t worry, I’ll find a way to entertain myself. Hope you will be fine.”

Without a suspicion, Theo ran up to him to kiss goodbye and left. He still couldn’t read Alex the way he could read Adam. Too little time had passed, and, if Adam’s tone was enough to say he was in trouble, Alex’s whole behavior didn’t hint Theo of what he really felt. In fact, at that point Alex had enough guesses about Theo and Adam to be worried but he didn’t want to load Theo with a questionable bicker. For the time being, he had no real reasons to reproach him for: they were happy, Theo cared about him and didn’t show interest in other people; but Alex couldn’t get away from a slight but haunting unpleasant feeling.

When Theo came to the studio, Adam was already there, moody and visibly untidy. The disorder of his look struck the eye in particular with Theo standing near. It seemed to Adam that every color of Theo’s appearance was brighter, even the eyes were as shiny as never before. When people love and are loved, they tend to look better than ever.

“You look great,” Adam admitted with a dim smile, “I guess, you and Alex are alright?”

“Yeah, we live together in my flat now, everything’s great. Thanks. Sorry, I can’t say the same about you because you look miserable. What happened?”

“Uh… I’m okay.”

“Adam, please,” Theo sighed, “You won’t fool me with your okays, don’t you know? Is it Mary?”

“She… uh… yes, we split up,” Adam agreed in a reluctant way.

“Oh…” Theo uttered perplexedly. For a second he wanted to hug his poor friend but then doubted whether it would be correct and just gave him an awkward pat on the shoulder. “I feel bad for you. Why did it happen?”

“Ah, it’s sort of weird, you wouldn’t want to know.”

“I do want. Come on, tell me, it’ll relieve you a little.”

Adam looked up at Theo. For him it was clear that Theo wouldn’t want to – and didn’t have to know, because he himself was the actual reason. This is why Adam was trying to avoid this conversation and find a way to retreat.

“I don’t think so. Speaking of this isn’t the most enjoyable thing. Shortly, she was jealous and done with my shit.”

“So it wasn’t mutual and she broke up with you? Jealous of who? Are you having an affair?”

“No, it’s just… eh…” Adam’s search came to a deadlock again. The actual story was too embarrassing. By “shit” he meant his constant whines about Theo, and by “jealous” he meant Mary’s actual reaction to these whines. “It was sort of accumulating for a long time… of the littlest things… and then came to the boiling point.”

“But what was the last straw then?” Theo didn’t stop inquiring.

The last straw? When Mary heard Theo’s name once again, she flew off the handle and shouted a lot of nasty words about both of them, and then it was Adam’s turn to get mad. He could put up with being yelled at, but hearing anyone swearing at his friend was what he couldn’t look over, no matter what he himself said sometimes. Enraged and barely thinking, he yelled out the whole story about him and Theo without any skips but with permanent comments about how Theo was better at everything and he, Adam, shouldn’t have broken up with him because of Mary. She hadn’t even known about this story before. The consequences were obvious.

“There was no last straw. It just piled up. And made a severe explosion. Can we change the subject or get to work, please?” Adam grumbled.

“Yeah, okay, sorry. It’s so sad. But don’t hang down your head, I’m sure you’ll find someone better eventually…”

“First I have to find where to live.”

“What?!”

“We bought this flat together. I sold mine, and she can’t go back to her old one yet because of her personal circumstances. Something to do with her family. We can’t just kick each other out so we have to keep on living together until each finds something else – then we can sell this flat and say goodbye. I don’t know about her but I haven’t found anything suitable yet ‘cause it happened just the other day so this nightmare will go on for a while… maybe I’ll just book a hotel room until then. Not that I’m enthusiastic about this option though. I’ve had enough of hotel rooms.”

“Oh my god, this is terrible!” Theo cried out, “I’ll ask my friends, maybe they…” he stuttered, stricken with Adam’s broken look again. Formally, Adam had a home, but his messy stubble, unironed clothes and uncombed hair made him look like a homeless that he, in fact, was. Sympathy eclipsed Theo’s old injuries, and he didn’t think too long before he offered rashly: “Adam, listen, maybe you’ll stay at my flat for a while, until you find something? I know it’s a bit weird, with Alex living there too, but I don’t think he’ll mind, and there’s a vacant room so…”

“Really? Me living with you? After everything that happened? Too awkward, Theo.”

“But it won’t be for long, will it? My flat isn’t a shack, there’s more than enough space for three. We won’t even meet a lot, if you think it’s too awkward. Anyway, Alex and I are often out.”

“Honestly, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Thanks for your concern but I’d rather keep looking,” Adam waved aside, imagining what it would be like. In his mind living with them looked like a tragicomic TV show that has that one character who always gets all the shit. Suddenly Theo realized that Adam didn’t even plan to ask any friends for help – he hated to be a burden and would prefer to solve his problems on his own.

“Adam, think better. It’s going to be okay. Living with your ex is horrendous.”

“Living with your ex, eh? What about living with your ex and his boyfriend?” – it wasn’t a funny moment but Adam couldn’t help laughing: it just sounded too ridiculous not to.

“Uh… Touché. But we’re not just exes, we’re still friends, aren’t we?”

“Friends who haven’t talked to each other for a month. And dated each other once. What a beautiful friendship!”

It was too sad and true to oppose, and Theo hushed for a while. But he wasn’t ready to give up. If reason didn’t and couldn’t work out, he had to try another way.

“Listen, Adam, I don’t want to hurt you, I just want to help. Why don’t you understand? I know there was a lot of shit between us but I want to give us a chance to start again. Let’s just forgive and forget, okay? You always see the bad things first but, I tell you, it’s not going to be as bad as you imagine. You’ll just stay for a week or two until you find a place. It’s so simple and harmless!”

Adam heaved a sigh. Of course, for Theo it was. Unlike Adam, he saw the good things first, and everything was easy for him. From his point of view, Adam thought, it would be just a funny experiment, and his incomprehension wasn’t fake – Theo didn’t understand Adam’s worries for real. The only reason that could make Adam change his mind was the perspective of being close to Theo, at least in some way. Adam knew it was self-deception but deep down he wanted to hold on to this sweet illusion, since there was nothing else left for him to hold on to.

“Well… Maybe you’re right. Just for a while.”

“Sure!” Theo beamed, proud of himself for settling this up, “Let’s work now and then we’ll go to your place, take your stuff and move it to mine. I’ll text Alex,” he added without a shade of anxiety and immersed himself in his phone. Adam sat down at the recording console, lips smiling but eyes worried.

It took a long time for Alex to answer. Only when Theo and Adam were almost done, Theo got a short and inscrutable “Okay.” that bothered Adam more than him. Anyway, they started out for Adam’s flat: music seemed to reunite them once again, and it felt almost like good old days. Meanwhile Alex was bemused and mixed-up. At first, getting the text, he was so numbed he didn’t know what to answer, and then he drowned in thoughts so deep he just forgot he hadn’t answered yet. Eventually he decided he wasn’t in the position to set rules – to the point, he was a guest himself. But to say he accepted the news without a problem would be a lie.

When the trio met again, the only person whose behavior didn’t look awkward was Theo. Adam looked at his feet most of the time, hoping he would magically vanish from the scene, and Alex stood at the door with a barely concealed gloomy look that he tried to overshadow with random polite gestures, like offering help with Adam’s belongings. While these two were pretending to be somewhere else but the verge of killing each other, Theo flounced about the flat with rapturous babble, carrying things from one room to another and flirting with Alex on his way. It felt like total chaos, and Adam couldn’t be more relieved when he finally got a permission to occupy the promised room and therefore escape from this absurd scene.

Not less exhausted, Alex buzzed off too and sat in the armchair in the bedroom, his face covered with palms. It felt like a rough knife had pierced the newly assembled puzzle of harmony. Theo hurried after him.

“Al, come on, it won’t be long, and Adam won’t bother us. How could I not help a friend?” Theo sat on the armrest and stroked Alex’s cheek in a cheering manner. Alex didn’t answer and didn’t even seem to notice Theo’s caress almost for a minute.

“Yeah, I know. You did the right thing. Just tell me, are you two in the past or in the future?”

“What? No!” Theo screamed of surprise, and his hand fell down.

“Theo, I’m neither stupid nor blind. I see there’s – or there was something. I’m not accusing you of anything, I just need to know.”

“Uh… we…”

“So?”

“Yes, we were together once,” Theo admitted. Keeping it back any longer wouldn’t make sense. “But it ended a long time ago. You shouldn’t worry.”

“Didn’t end alright though, if I may ask?”

“Quite nastily, yeah, but then we, uh, came to some sort of reconciliation. He moved on, I did as well so… Nothing to worry about.”

“Honestly, sometimes I’m not so sure about him…” Alex nagged stubbornly.

“Nonsense, he moved on even before we split. Actually, he was the one who broke up with me because of another person. Anyway, why worry about Adam? If so, I’m the only one you should be worrying about – but did I give you a reason to doubt the fact I’m fully and assuredly yours?” Theo asked with a smile, sliding down on Alex’s lap and settling in a way so that they would be sitting face-to-face. A line of soft kisses on Alex’s neck managed to relax him a bit, yet he tried to add something all the time so Theo proceeded to muffle his lips for a while, too.

“I’m not kidding, Theo, I do worry a lot,” Alex murmured as soon as Theo gave him a break, “You haven’t given me a reason but, I guess, as soon as you do, it’s too late to worry. It just doesn’t feel right for me, you know.”

Theo held his face with both hands and looked him in the eye.

“Alex, I swear, this story is far in the past. I have absolutely no wish to revive it in any way. With the way it ended, it would be stupid for both of us. Believe me, everything will stay the same, I won’t let it be otherwise,” Theo reassured but Alex’s face remained gloomy, and he added in warm blood, “If Adam, God forbid, gives it a try, I’ll throw him out.”

The tough promise didn’t convince him much but Alex calmed down a bit, at least for then. He buried his face in Theo’s chest and hugged him. Theo stroked the hair on Alex’s nape gently. The semidarkness of the room suddenly seemed strangely soothing instead of oppressive. The question seemed to be settled but in a while Alex murmured:

“It’s not that this is just a matter of jealousy. Whoever it were, I still wouldn’t be glad. In any case, I’d prefer to be all alone with you.”

“I always feel like we’re alone.”

Alex understood and clung closer to Theo’s chest. It felt nice to end this pointless conversation, no matter to what extent resolved it was, and just to sit in each other’s arms silently. Sometimes merely being with the person you love convinces you that anything can be fixed, and Alex preferred to believe this sudden rosy certainty. Besides, he was starting to have his own ideas about how everything, if this wouldn’t work out, could be mended for all of them. However, this thought had to wait.


	6. Revelations

In spite of everything, the reckless suggestion didn’t turn out to be as bad as some had thought. Leastwise, on the visible side everything was smooth and placid. To be fair, the troublesome trio owed peace fully to Adam’s and Alex’s self-control. Theo didn’t notice any inconvenience at all while they definitely did, but both didn’t want to cause another conflict. For Alex, it was easier: he didn’t have a weighty reason to rebel as everything between him and Theo was the same. Maybe even better – but not because Theo felt guilty and tried to make amends but just because the feeling grew in course of time. As for Adam, keeping silent wasn’t that simple. However, he learnt to have control over himself and suppress occasional temper bursts. The easiest way to solve a problem is to ignore it – so Adam just tried not to encounter the happy couple and mostly sat in his room.

Any scenes, involving them, annoyed him to the core. Even when he accidentally witnessed something really innocent and cute, he tried to escape as soon as possible. Once, being totally sure Theo and Alex were out, Adam went to the kitchen to have a drink only to find out he was mistaken. They were sitting at the table with cups of tea, and Alex was trying to catch a candy in Theo’s hand with his mouth. Theo was giggling and moving the bait here and there to tease him. For a second or two Adam froze in the doorway and then turned around rapidly and walked away.

“Adam!” Theo called, noticing the noise, and stopped the game for a while. No response followed – Adam had already got to his room before the burning wave inside would have reached his mouth and resulted in another unjustified furious speech. Alex sighed, shook his head with disapproval and, using a moment of abashment, caught the candy. This distracted Theo again.

“Hey! Mine!” he smiled and gave him a joking kick under the table.

“Yeah, I am. Not a good nickname though,” Alex laughed off, “Don’t worry, I’ll share,” he added and kissed Theo before the sweet flavor vanished from his lips. The awkward episode was forgotten at once, and Theo didn’t even consider it in any way significant.

The reason why Adam kept quiet wasn’t his unwillingness to be thrown out. In fact, some part of him did want to provide an excuse as he didn’t like the idea from the very start. Seeing how happy Theo was, Adam didn’t want to disappoint him once more. Moreover, after the break-up he was too weak to get involved in any conflicts. Sometimes it even seemed to him that he was glad for Theo, after all. As a friend, over a few days he spent with them, Adam didn’t notice anything to be displeased with; but in the status he actually was, Adam couldn’t be so unequivocally happy, since the old feelings kept surrounding him tighter and tighter every day.

This time it wasn’t based purely on selfish jealousy. Strange enough, Theo’s and Adam’s relationship gained some stability at last: when Alex was out, they talked a lot, and these were calm, friendly talks. However, they had a disadvantage Adam had to deal with – well, for Adam, everything then had that huge disadvantage.

“Hey,” Theo smiled and turned the TV off, when Adam walked into the living room. Alex had gone out to meet his friends, and Adam hurried to use this rare opportunity. “How are you? How’s the estate search going?”

“Not rapidly, in one word,” Adam sighed and sat next to him, “I’ve found some acceptable options and I’ll check them out tomorrow. I’m too choosy, I guess, but I’m not sure about them. I mean, there’s a good flat but it’s right next to a club, and I’m not in the age for permanent…”

“I dragged Alex to a club yesterday,” Theo interrupted enthusiastically, clinging to the word, “He balked at first but eventually we had fun, particularly after a line of shots he had… He’s such a cute drunk! We…”

“Ahem,” Adam cleared throat to gain attention, “So it’s next to a club, and I’m not sure the noise won’t reach it. There’s another place, hopefully without annoying neighbors of any kind. But the color of the walls is terrible. I’d want to kill myself in a room like this. Of course, I could repaint them but…”

“By the way, have I told you how we tried to renovate Alex’s flat? It’s a ridiculous story, really…”

“Yes,” Adam said very firmly, trying not to get mad, “I could repaint them but I’d rather find something fully suitable. Finally, there’s a very nice flat. Neighborhood, decor, what’s else to look at – I really like everything, but it’s rather far from the centre. I mean, now it wouldn’t make a difference, I go out rarely anyway, but when we’re back in business… It’s so far from anything I need – from the studio, from my favourite music shops…” Adam made a pause and added quietly, “From you…”

The pleading addition went unnoticed.

“When we’re on tour again, it won’t matter at all, will it? And while we’re not, why not use the tube? Is it far from a station? Oh, what I’ve just remembered – the other day, when Al and I went out, some girl on the tube wanted a selfie with both of us, and we sort of fooled about a bit, then I found that picture. It’s fantastic, really. I’ll show you…”

Theo started looking for the picture on his phone and therefore couldn’t see Adam’s frown at his prominent ability to lead every single conversation to Alex. It’s needless to say how annoyed it made him but Adam had to bear this inconvenience to get a number of advantages. If he had the will to start listening to one of these stories, he could hear the contagious rapture in Theo’s voice. If he had the boldness to look at Theo all through the speech, he could enjoy his unceasing smile. And if he, finally, had the goodness to react properly, as a friend would, he could see Theo so happy as though it was the most important thing in the world. This row of self-persuasions was hard but worth it. Theo didn’t pretend a second; he was genuinely glad every time Adam smiled at the cute and silly moments he told him about. For him, it meant everything was fine in his life, as his both most meaningful relationships were stabilized.

On the contrary, Adam had to pretend a lot. In spite of his approval being more or less honest, another thought was pounding in his mind like an agonizing animal. It was a faint dream of getting Theo back. No matter how many times Adam repeated to himself how vain and stupid it was, the thought didn’t let him go. Every smile Adam managed to get from Theo looked like support to him, even though Adam knew it meant nothing. Adam didn’t even know where he would start if he decided to take any steps: the relationship he wanted to break didn’t have any visible weak spots he could cling to and make them serve him. The more he observed, the less confidence he had. As far as he could see (and you’d better believe he tried to see even the littlest things), Theo and Alex were happy with each other and – maybe it was a matter of that rosy stage in the beginning of every relationship when people are so in love they just don’t see any bad things – didn’t have any obvious contradiction points. Even the covert intention to destroy something so beautiful felt blasphemous but, as most controversial ideas, was too obsessive to ignore.

But in one thing Adam was sure – he wasn’t going to set up any intrigues or deceiving plans, like revealing fake betrayal, to get the desired. He considered it despicable, and a thing like this would grime the bruised relationship even more.

Almost a week passed since Adam moved into Theo’s flat; the flat search was still problematic (maybe he really was too picky, maybe at the back of his mind he just didn’t want to go away), and his state of mind was even more problematic. Adam still didn’t dare to do something but he couldn’t just sit and watch any longer, so he decided to tell Theo everything as it was and see what would happen. Even if the revelation would end badly, he was ready to leave and stay away for a while.

Just when Adam was sitting in his room and planning the talk out meticulously, he heard some noise at the flat door, and walked to his own room door to listen.

“Where’re you going?” he heard Theo’s voice through outdoor clothes rustle.

“Eh… I’ll tell you later. It’s not for long,” Alex’s mumbling followed, “Do you feel like going for a walk when I’m back?”

“Yeah, weather’s perfect!”

“Then put on something you… something warm you won’t regret spoiling. I’ll pick you soon.”

“Where the fuck are you taking me?” Theo laughed, “Is it a walk or, like, a hike?”

“Honestly, neither,” Alex answered mysteriously, “You’ll see in 10 minutes. Have some patience.”

“I’m not good at patience!” Theo rebelled slightly, intrigued by the secret. For a couple of seconds all noises and words ceased, and Adam could almost feel something tender through the wall. Next he heard the sound of the door opening.

“I know, dear,” Alex concluded, with a teasing chuckle, and the door closed.

Adam stood still but his thoughts were racing. It was the opportunity he was waiting for – who knew when Alex was going to leave again, as he didn’t go out alone often – but it came a bit too unexpectedly. The plan of the talk was still incomplete, Adam didn’t think through the ways to attack and retreat, and it made everything even harder. However, there was no time to waste.

When Adam came out of the room at last, Theo was already at the wardrobe, looking for the needed clothes. Adam watched him for a minute, trying to muster up courage, and felt a bit guilty for this delay – the clock in his mind was ticking. Finally he blurted out:

“You know, Mary and I broke up not just because of some common shit.”

“Oh, well…” Theo mumbled into the wardrobe absently. He would have listened to him and asked dozens of question some other day but at the moment he was too immersed in the forthcoming promenade. “Sorry, mate.”

“There’s a decision I regret making. I didn’t feel good about it back then either but now it just drives me mad. I was so stupid.”

“I think everything happens for the best. You’ll feel better one day,” Theo tried to cheer Adam up, still sure he was talking about his breakup with Mary, “Remember how the other day you told me the last weeks were almost torturous? It’s not something to miss. Now, this failure is in the past, you’ll get over her and meet somebody who…”

“No, stop, it’s not the point. I’ve already met somebody. I’m pretty sure it’s  _the_ somebody…”

“Whoa, great!”

“… but I’ve made a terrible mistake and I don’t know whether it can be fixed. What would you do if you realized you had lost somebody this important and the fault is yours?”

“Eh… Try to get somebody back, I guess? A lot of things can be fixed even if they don’t seem retrievable. Sometimes they can be fixed in a weird way you don’t even think about at first but, anyway…” Theo shrugged, not even thinking about what Adam could imply. Mentally he was already outside with Alex. The answer, however, gave Adam some confidence.

“Exactly! I do want to try. But how would you do it?”

“Adam, I’m not a good relationship adviser, don’t you know? Well, uh… if I’ve made a mistake, I would admit making it and try to prove it won’t happen again.”

“Okay. I’ve made a mistake. My principles are shit. I should’ve kept what I had. Actually, it was the best thing that happened in my life, and I doubt that something better for me exists at all. Maybe there’s just one thing that’s better – a chance for me to retrieve everything. Probably an undeserved chance, I admit it. But a very hoped-for and, believe me, finally appreciated enough chance.”

Adam was looking at Theo’s nape fixedly and hoping that at least now he would turn around and grant him a glance. However, Theo wasn’t even listening closely; in his mind there was a turbid image of some beautiful girl who had quite a story with Adam, and, particularly considering Theo had his own story now, he didn’t want to get involved in this. To his mind, the speech was in fact addressed to that cloudy girl as well, and this was just some rehearsal that he, as a friend, had to rate.

“Hm. Sounds cute.”

“Cute?!” Adam exclaimed as he expected any reaction but this mockery.

“Yeah, in a good way. Tell her. I’d melt after something like this.”

“Tell who? I don’t think you understand. It’s not about Mary!”

“I see. Whoever it is, I hope it works out,” Theo declared and glanced at his phone, “Oh, finally. I think I’ll take… this,” he grabbed a T-shirt and an old denim jacket and changed his clothes right on his way to the door. Adam hurried after him, talking quickly and nervously:

“Theo, you don’t change a trifle. Still missing everything I say. It’s not about some whoever. It’s about us. You know what I mean.”

“Us?” Theo asked as he had already forgotten what they had been talking about earlier and ended the conversation in his mind. He just wanted to go outside to Alex as quickly as possible, and Adam’s odd revelations held him back in bad time. “As for us, we’re fine, aren’t we?”

“We fucking aren’t!” Adam flamed up, “This is what I’m trying to talk about!”

Theo froze in the doorway and turned to Adam with a sour expression, his lips curved discontentedly. With the way he had been listening, the disagreement literally came out of nowhere, and he had neither time nor will to listen to the details.

“Adam…” he wanted to back away politely but nothing came to his mind so Theo just shook his head and muttered, before rushing into the elevator, “Later.”

As he was going down, Adam was standing at the door, perturbed. Not just the talk was a failure – the whole situation was even more gruesome than he had thought. What was there to talk about, if Theo was completely deaf to the things that didn’t concern his lover? Even if Adam had been more straightforward and precise, he probably wouldn’t have understood anyway. He let out an exasperated sigh, closed the door and went back to his room that already reminded him of a prison cell.

When Theo stepped outside, an amazing view met his eyes. There was a shiny big black motorcycle with silvery parts at the pavement, and Alex was standing at it and leaning on the seat slightly. As soon as he saw Theo, he tried to look bossy and cool and crossed his arms, but chuffed little smiles broke away one after another.

“Fancy a ride, pretty boy?” Alex wondered jocosely as Theo was walking closer to have a better look. The vehicle looked huge and even a bit frightful, particularly with the thin figure of its owner standing near. However, Theo examined it with a wide excited smile and turned to Alex again.

“Tell me, where were you hiding this monster from me all this time?”

“Ah, I didn’t, it’s not even mine. I rented it. Mine is in LA, and it’s smaller. I like it better but we wouldn’t fit anyway, I guess.”

“This one looks fantastic though!”

“So you’re up for a little ride, aren’t you?”

“You bet!” Theo exclaimed with anticipation, “I can’t even remember the last time I rode a motorcycle.”

“Can you ride it?” Alex doubted, giving him a helmet and putting one on his own head.

“Well, formally I can’t, I don’t have a license. But when I was young, a friend lent me his motorcycle a couple of times when there was nobody to see so…”

“This friend either wanted to kill you or didn’t know you at all,” Alex commented in an ironic manner.

“Don’t be so dull, I did good,” Theo waved away, sitting himself behind Alex and embracing him, “Anyway, it doesn’t matter now because my personal driver for today is skilled enough. He’s also very hot and nice to hold on to. Luck is on my side!”

Alex smiled and started the engine but, before they drove off, he caught Theo’s hands wandering over his hips and relocated them on the sides.

“No workplace romance, if you don’t want your personal driver to crash us both into a post,” he warned the giggling teaser, and, with increasing noise, the motorcycle took them away to the bustling streets of London.

***

Shortly after they were gone Adam went out of the building and walked in the opposite direction. He had no idea where and how they had gone, he just wanted to go for a walk and maybe get a drink. For a moment Adam wanted to invite some of his friends to a pub but then he realized he didn’t want to talk to anyone.

“I shouldn’t have even tried to talk to him,” he thought to himself as he walked on and stared at the gloomily grey pavement below, “But maybe if I were bolder… Nah, fuck it. Even if he knew, what would it change anyway? Perhaps it’s even better that he didn’t understand. I should just fucking keep my mouth shut and move as soon as I can. If I don’t find another option, that distant flat will do and I’ll call the owner tomorrow. I’ll be okay. And if one day they split, I’ll be close at hand so… Stop, I shouldn’t think about it. I should think about my new flat. Yes. I can’t wait to leave. But until then, I have to bear this nightmare a big longer. Fucking hell!”

***

The suburbs, where Alex and Theo found themselves after hours of driving across different streets, looked almost motionless compared with where they had started their route. Neither knew where exactly they were: Alex just drove wherever Theo told him to, and Theo himself just cried out random directions that came to his mind; but both were sure it wasn’t anywhere too far. The road was narrow, some cars could be seen standing at the houses, and just a few people were walking on the street at a moderate speed, as though any sort of hurry didn’t exist in this area at all.

The couple stopped at the pavement to have a break. They took off their helmets, that made their hair rumpled, and put them on the ground carefully. Occasional passers paid none attention to them, and Alex eased off.

“So where have you led us?” he grinned, lighting a cigarette, and looked around, “I have no idea where we are.”

“Fuck, you’ve cracked me. I’ve brought you to these quiet suburbs because actually I’m a killer, and I’ve been planning this for weeks.”

“Ha, a killer who can’t even take a kitchen knife without cutting his fingers off.”

“I had to pretend so you wouldn’t suspect anything!”

“Nah, nobody can pretend that good. But maybe you’d pass as a sex maniac,” Alex chuckled, and Theo rushed forward to clutch him tightly all of a sudden, as though to play along; but instead he bumped into Alex’s cigarette with his hand and twitched back, “Well, I’ve changed my mind – no maniac career for you at all,” Alex added and turned his head back as far as he could, “Was it too bad?”

“I’m alright,” Theo muttered, shaking his hand in the air to cool it down, “These suburbs are so calm and beautiful, I’m glad we got here. Even though, frankly speaking, on accident.”

Alex slid down a bit so that his head would be lying on Theo’s chest. Their legs stood on the ground, and the motorcycle couldn’t tilt. And it wasn’t the motorcycle Theo was concerned about the most – he wrapped his arms around the half-lying figure, looking so vulnerable even after he made this huge machine with two people on it move such a long way. Alex made himself more comfortable and kept smoking. He looked at the sky.

“Do you see that dark cloud? It’s going to rain,” he uttered meditatively. With a sad sigh, Theo put his head on Alex’s shoulder.

“Do you mean we have to go home? I don’t want to.”

“Me neither,” Alex admitted, remembering their current domestic situation, “But we’re going to be so fucking wet and dirty. I don’t want you to catch a cold.”

“Why only me?”

“I’m more used to it, I won’t. But I have to save you.”

“For fuck’s sake, I’m a grown-up man, I don’t have to be saved from everything, even from rain!” Theo laughed.

“For fuck’s sake, no matter what age, you  _have_  to be saved from everything, that’s what I’m here for,” Alex mimicked him genially and tried to get up and start the engine but Theo pulled him back into the embrace again.

“Fair enough,” Theo conceded, confirming his agreement with a gentle kiss. He had to hold Alex firmly as, no matter how willing he was to save him from anything a moment ago, now, in Theo’s arms, he was just a will-less puddle of emotions that would have just flow away from the motorcycle if Theo hadn’t been hugging him. They kissed until Alex’s neck started to hurt, and he moved away a bit.

“Seriously, we’d better get going now,” he whispered and bent down to get the helmets but Theo distracted him again.

“Okay, but only if you do something.”

“What is it?”

“Let me drive for a while.”

“No-o-o,” Alex shook his head strictly – however, like for every child, a simple “no” wasn’t convincing enough.

“Why? Just, like, until we get out of this village!”

“The distance doesn’t matter, even one meter is enough to fuck up, you know.”

“I won’t fuck up, I can drive! I’ve missed this feeling so much, and this place is so suitable – there’s nobody to check my license and there’s hardly any traffic…”

“Theo…”

“Just trust me, I’ll drive slowly and carefully.”

“Well…” Alex stood up and looked at Theo, who almost jumped on his seat of excitement, doubtfully, “Alright. But very slowly and just until the village ends. And you’ll have my hands over yours to fix everything if you still manage to do something wrong.”

“Even better in a sense,” Theo smiled, and they changed seats. As soon as he found himself on the driver’s seat, Theo felt very important and responsible and enjoyed even standing on the same place, but Alex behind him didn’t stop fidgeting. “What’s wrong?”

“I can’t reach the fucking handles! Can you move forward?”

“Hm, maybe it’s a sign that tells everything’s going to be fine even without your help,” Theo pondered aloud, but Alex pinched him and objected.

“Listen, the fact that I’m shorter than you tells nothing, and even if I have to sit on your shoulders to reach those handles and insure, I’ll fucking do it. Otherwise we’ll change our seats back. Deal?”

“Deal,” Theo retreated instantly, letting Alex hold his hands, and after a moment added, “That would be weird.”

“What?”

“That pyramid. The motorcycle, me and you on my shoulders.”

“I meant, figuratively,” Alex murmured, “Anyway, I wouldn’t reach them that way, maybe just with legs but what’s the use?”

“Come on, stop grumbling, I thought it was just your way of telling you want me to carry you on my shoulders,” Theo giggled and stretched his hand back to pat Alex’s knee, “Well, I’ll remember to do that.”

***

Adam was sitting in the living room, making use of the time he could spend on his own. The TV was on, though Adam barely paid attention to it. There was a bottle of whiskey in his hand, and, every time another heavy thought came to his mind, he took a gulp right from the bottle. He had taken enough to create a solid barrier for those thoughts but, for him, at the moment it worked vice versa: the more he drank, the more tangible and painfully volumetric the situation in his mind became.

Just when the darkness attacked again and Adam lifted the bottle in an unsteady hand, Theo appeared in the doorway, and Adam almost shouted of suddenness. He looked dirty and battered, there was plaster on his left hand, and another was just bruised.

“Hello there,” Theo waved with his less suffering hand. The expression on his face wasn’t very sorrowful; on the opposite, he even smiled at Adam, whose face looked so stricken as though he was the injured one.

“What the fuck happened?”

“A bit of a crash, in a word.”

“What crash? Where were you the whole day?”

“Well, Alex took me for a motorcycle ride, everything was fine but then I asked him to let me drive…”

“Man, both of you are so fucking stupid,” Adam blurted out, bold enough because of alcohol, “How did he even let you?”

“He didn’t want to at first but then I persuaded him and we were the most careful we could be but…” Theo sighed and babbled on, “It’s not his fault, there was a stray dog that ran just in front of us out of nowhere and started barking – no big deal, I know, but this was so sudden I panicked and did wrong things, Alex tried to fix it but it was all so fast… Before he managed to take control, I ran into a brick fence and fell down. Alex’s alright, just a few minor bruises. I drove slowly so it’s not something serious. Just a couple of weeks with this plaster.”

Adam got up, swinging from side to side and looking at Theo crossly. He instantly remembered how angry he was in the morning, when Theo didn’t want to listen to his confession, and him talking about Alex and ignoring his obvious fault, mixed with almost a whole bottle of whiskey, made him even madder and got in the way of suppressing the hate.  

“So it’s all because of him. He let you drive when he knew you couldn’t and you still say it wasn’t his fault?”

“Of course, it wasn’t, Adam. I’ve just explained the case.”

“You always fucking cover him! It wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t let you drive in the first place! And what’s more, if you hadn’t even been dating him!” Adam roared hysterically all of a sudden, and Theo made a step back, frightened by the outburst. He knew Adam wasn’t easy to infuriate but he also knew that dragging him back from this rare condition was just as hard. “So where’s your noble knight now? Did he run away? Why isn’t he taking care of you now?”

“Adam, you’re fucking insane, get away from me!” Theo cried out, when the bottle in Adam’s hand started shaking dangerously close to his face, “Why are you starting this shit all over again? Just so you know, Alex drove me to the hospital right after it happened, and now he’s in a shop to buy some patches and snacks for me, so stop this… this… stop trying to prove he’s bad or whatever you’ve been trying to prove all this time!”

“He hurt you!”

“It’s just a fucking fracture, and it’s not his fault, how many times do I have to repeat?”

“But I wouldn’t have let you get that fracture,” Adam shouted, his voice going up and down in a drunk manner, “Why am I worse than him? Why is that, Theo? I didn’t let you get into a crash!”

“Ah, is this where it’s coming from? Listen, Adam,” Theo started heatedly – unlike Adam, he could be enraged very fast, “If there’s some competition going on and if you talk about hurting me… Alex could have, I don’t know, thrown me off that motorcycle, he could have sat me there alone and sent me into the wildest street of this city without a helmet or anything, he could have fucking run me over and then trample me down into the ground but – you know what, Adam? This wouldn’t be even a bit comparable to the pain you caused me once. Even a bit. Did you even think about this? About how it was for me? I don’t think you actually did. Is there really anything to talk about on this topic after this?”

Adam just looked at Theo and couldn’t find a single word to reply. Alcohol gave boldness to ask the questions but it couldn’t help with the answers. Before he found the words to object or apologize, Theo kept asking in a choking voice:

“Why are you so self-centered about everything concerning me? Why should it even matter who of you two is better? Well, alright, if you imply you could have taken better care of me, just look what you’re doing right now. You could’ve asked if my arm hurts, you could’ve consoled me, you could’ve made me something to drink or eat because now I’m almost helpless – but instead you’re yelling at me drunk about things I don’t want to talk about and shaking that damn bottle right in front of my face! Do you want to compare again and make some conclusions?” – Adam tried to speak again, but Theo lifted his right hand as though telling to stop, “Adam, for fuck’s sake… Go to your fucking room before I’m mad enough to kick your ass out of here. You don’t even understand how I have to restrain myself not to do it right now.”

Raging, Adam rushed to the flat door past Theo who tried to block his way.

“To your room, I said! I don’t want you attacking people in the street and sleeping in a dumpster!”

“I don’t give a fuck,” Adam snarled, pushed Theo away and escaped, not even putting outdoor clothes on and leaving the whiskey bottle. Theo stood still, looking at the closed door, and breathed heavily. He was close to actually throwing Adam out but definitely not like this. It was raining outside, and he was dressed in his home clothes and barely had any money in its pockets. Theo had no idea what Adam would do but was too angry to call him.

When Alex came back from the shop, he walked into the bedroom to find Theo sitting on the bed with his face distorted by a grimace of pain and sadness. In fact, Alex knew what was going on. He came home early enough to hear at least a half of the conversation, and, when he heard screaming through the door, he stopped there, confused and having no idea how he would behave if he walked inside the flat. It would be beyond awkward so Alex decided just to stand at the door and wait for a better moment. However, he nearly caught the worst moment, when Adam rushed out of the door, but Alex heard the approaching steps just in time and ran upstairs to hide, feeling, to his shame, like a silly little boy. He came back only after a while, when he was sure it wouldn’t look even dumber than it actually was.

Alex sat on the bed beside Theo and stroked his unbroken arm carefully, so he wouldn’t graze any injuries.

“How are you?” he asked quietly, not planning to reveal his knowledge of the conversation unless Theo would mention it himself.

“My wrist hurts a bit, but it’s okay, I’ve had worse,” Theo tried to make it look like he was sad because of the fracture but sound optimistic at the same time, “It’s a good thing we aren’t on tour right now. How would I fit this into a jacket?” he smiled faintly, nodding at the plaster.

“You know, I… I’m so sorry for this. I should have considered accidental stuff like that and not let you drive.”

“Come on, Al, it was just a trifling accident, you’re not guilty.”

“But I…”

“No, I won’t blame you for that,” Theo said firmly and grabbed Alex’s hand though his eyes were focused on a single point on the floor, “You know, just the opposite…” he murmured in an absent voice, thinking about how warm and peaceful he felt beside Alex again, even after the nasty brawl, “I want to thank you. For being here, for tolerating me at my worst, for caring… It’s not like I take these things for granted, it’s really important for me. I met you when things I believed in turned out to be fake, when I doubted happiness could ever exist for me, when I almost gave up on relationships at all; I was just a fading echo of myself, just a hollow robot, deprived of the best human emotions and repeating the fixed set of actions. But you made me myself again. Maybe even more myself than I was before. In a sense, it’s some kind of salvation, and you keep saving me every day. I couldn’t be more grateful for this, and that trifle you keep apologizing for… it’s just rubbish compared with everything you have done.”

“Come here,” Alex opened up his arms for a hug and held Theo softly. He understood why Theo had to make this affectionate speech all of a sudden, and it moved him. Hearing a revelation like this was far more significant than a simple three word magic phrase. Alex felt happy, knowing that he meant so much for Theo and that he actually could illuminate Theo’s life. But at the same time he knew he could do better. He knew there were still things to fix, things that Theo himself apparently couldn’t deal with very well. Both had cherished hopes that those things would somehow solve themselves in course of time but eventually they got even worse, and Alex had to take control of them. 


	7. Go Away

When Theo’s disheveled but distinctly wide-awake figure showed in the kitchen doorway, Alex looked away from the cooker and smiled slightly. He, on the contrary, looked a bit weary, as though he hadn’t had a good night’s sleep. However, his hands moved here and there above the food quite lively from force of habit.

“You’re up early today,” Theo planted a sweet morning kiss on Alex’s cheek and sat at the table with a smile, “What’s for breakfast?”

As a rule, they cooked in turn but breakfast was mostly Theo’s responsibility since he always woke up earlier. That morning Alex got to the kitchen first: he knew Theo would definitely try to do something even with his left hand plastered, which would hardly lead to something good.

“Didn’t sleep well anyway,” Alex confessed evasively, knowing Theo wouldn’t be delighted by the actual reason, “Eggs, sausages and toasts. How’s your hand?”

“Alright, I guess. The plaster’s killing me though. I’m always forgetting about it and hitting myself when I want to scratch my cheek or something.”

Alex snickered and started putting breakfast into plates.

“Watch over that combative plaster, okay? Who knows what it’s up to,” he warned in a serious tone, thinking that he’d better learn to dodge from it as soon as he could, and sat in front of Theo with both dishes.

“Yeah, sure. But forget the plaster, what are we up to today?”

“Uh…” the pretended seriousness on Alex’s face grew into real one. As Theo didn’t get a more informative answer after a while of eating, he had to ask again.

“So? Any ideas? It’s still cloudy outside so we could just stay at home and watch a film. What do you think?”

“Er, I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Come on, I see you’ve got something else on your mind.”

“Well, okay,” Alex put away his fork and looked up decidedly, “I was thinking… How about we go to LA?”

For a second it seemed to Theo he had misheard the suggestion. However, he failed to think of any option that would sound alike and raised his eyebrows with a grin.

“Not exactly something I expected, asking for our plans for a single day but okay, great, I’m all for it. I love LA! For how long?”

“For, uh… Until our tours start at least. We’ll see how to arrange this then. Actually, I meant, more like move than just go, you know.”

Alex was staring at Theo with a face so serious and collected, he even felt a bit uncomfortable under the weight of his look. He had thought it would be just a common trip, nothing more. Not a life-changing step.

“Why’s that? What’s wrong with London? Or is it my flat?” Theo mumbled at a loss.

“Nah, it isn’t. Wouldn’t it be just fair if we lived in yours and then mine, would it?” Alex asked with a joking shade, but Theo kept looking at him with suspicion, and he went on, “Okay, it’s just… I just think you and Adam should distance from each other for a while. For a longer while than you’ve already tried, I mean. Both of you need a rest and – you know, I do too, because when he still has feelings for you, it’s hard to…”

“Are you fucking serious?” Theo suddenly interrupted, affected by the old scar being touched carelessly, “Still? I don’t even think he ever…”

“Are _you_ fucking serious?” Alex echoed in an annoyed voice, “Of course, he has, it’s been obvious from the start, can’t you see? Well, his way of showing it is a bit weird, I suppose, but…”

“No, Al, this can’t be. I’ve told you how it ended, haven’t I?”

“You see, I didn’t say – “had” or any past tense verbs. Your past is your business but your present and future are my concern. I said – “has”, and does the past really mean anything when I can see this drama in front of my eyes now, in the present?”

Theo looked down and grumbled something barely distinguishable in which Alex could only hear “no drama” and “exaggerating”.

“It’s like, you’re on the opposite sides of a wall, both of you see it clearly but… kind of firmly believe it will somehow magically vanish from your way and run into it over and over again,” Alex sighed, “It won’t. You just hurt yourselves. Isn’t it better to wait a while and let time demolish it for good and all? I tried not to get involved and let you solve the problem between you two but it didn’t work so… You know, I can’t watch you bump into that wall anymore. Besides, as we’re together, you sort of hold my hand and crash me into it time after time as well. This has to stop before we wreck ourselves. I thought about it for a long time, and this seems to be the only possible way.”

Every word gloomed Theo’s face more and more, and by the end of the speech he looked probably the moodiest Alex had ever seen him. He knew Alex was right, but it was hard not to grow sad, engulfed by such a lot of problems – the cheerless truth about his relationship with Adam, the unintended pain he brought Alex and the frightening necessity to turn his life upside down to avoid the absolute collapse. The complexity and the sophistication of the matter baffled him to the point where he couldn’t even find a ray of light in this dark abyss, as he always did.

The prolonged silence and Theo’s expression making him think he had been a bit too straightforward, Alex stretched out his hand above the table and held Theo’s right hand, the uninjured one.

“Theo, I’m sorry, if it’s, uh… pushing… We won’t move if you don’t want to. I just thought it would do us all good and I was sure you’d approve.”

“No, you’re right,” Theo muttered, clinging to Alex’s hand a bit tighter, as a drowning man grasps a rescuer, “I do want to move. But it’s huge, you know? Huge and sudden and hard to perceive so fast. But I’ll be with you so what’s there to be afraid of?” he smiled a bit, “When shall we go?”

“Uh… you decide. I’m ready to go any time,” Alex shrugged, unwilling to set any more rules because he already felt he had been too assertive, “I don’t think there’s a reason to linger though.”  

“Tomorrow it’ll be then,” Theo declared and wondered at his own sudden readiness, “No reasons indeed. Can’t wait for it. There’s a whole day ahead to pack, after all.”

“And now you’re excited, I see,” Alex’s face eased gradually, “I’m happy you are,” he added and stood up to bend over the table and give Theo a kiss. He kissed him back heartily, but he didn’t fully comprehend the news yet. It was slowly coming to him what he had just decided to do, like a reasonable reminder they were an actual couple with certain responsibilities. The month they lived in Theo’s flat felt more like a game or a really long visit but now Theo fully realized it was happening: they were together and he made a step to change a lot for their relationship, to change everything around that he had got used to. Even with Alex being so caring, the fears were hard to chase away completely.

When they got back to the breakfast, Theo remembered one more thing that wouldn’t let him go at once.

“Wait, Al… I can’t go away so quickly, I have to meet Adam first. We had a quarrel yesterday. He stormed out and went away. I don’t even know where he is now but most of his stuff is here. He has to come and take it, and, anyway… I have to say goodbye, I guess.”

Alex almost choked on his food but found enough composure to say calmly, before eating again:

“Okay, arrange it. I don’t mind.”

Not only he did, in fact – Theo wasn’t very into this idea as well. He knew they had to have some kind of a final clarifying talk and, of course, Adam had to take his possessions away, but Theo didn’t feel the will to stand up before Adam after everything that had been said and done in the past 24 hours. Theo even remembered the vague phrases Adam was burdening him with the day before, and suddenly everything fell into place. All the bicker, hints and questions made sense now, put together, but it wasn’t much of a beautiful picture puzzle – the realization was more like a short circuit in a system. “ _Fuck, I hate relationships!_ ” Theo thought to himself, exhausted, “ _If I break up with Alex, god forbid I get into another one!_ ”  

He decided to postpone the call as long as possible, hoping for who knows what. It was absolutely foolish and had no proper excuses, and Theo knew that deep inside. Fortunately, Alex suggested they would book airline tickets and pack first of all, and Theo let out a slightly relieved sigh. It meant he could take time to cool off and get himself together.

However, when they were halfway through with the packing, Adam decided to call first and started quite harshly:

“I know I’ve been a psychotic dickhead recently and you probably shouldn’t even listen to what else I have to say but…”

“Where’ve you been?” Theo broke in.

“I went to my and Mary’s flat as I didn’t really have a choice. I just wanted to…”

“For fuck’s sake, Adam, I was worried!”

“Theo, I can feel how annoying I’m being but, please, just give me a minute, and I won’t bother you for long,” Adam asked patiently, and his voice sounded habitually tranquil and well-balanced, particularly compared to yesterday. “This “sorry” I’d like to say probably will sound like it has no meaning at all because I’ve repeated it a dozen times over the past few weeks. But this one is different. Some bad things happened to me – the breakup with Mary… other stuff… but they don’t give me a right to be an asshole. It’s a shame I forgot about this. Those really dumb and rude things I’ve done… I’m sorry for them, and if I can atone for my mistakes, I gladly will. I don’t know how – Alex takes good care of you now, and I’m useless – but if you, I mean, both of you ever need some help or anything… just tell.”

Adam fell silent for a moment, as though waiting for a reaction, but Theo was a bit too affected to provide any, and Adam went on even more determinedly.

“Apart from this… I appreciate your concern but your idea about me living with you and Alex was thoughtless from the very start, and I’m leaving. I called the owner of that flat I had told you about. He says I can move in any time, even tomorrow, if I pay at least half of the sum now, and we’ll verify all the documents in a little while. So no more 24/7 annoyance from me. May I just come and take my stuff?”

“Yeah… you should. I won’t be here tomorrow from now on,” Theo disclosed.

“What?”

“Alex suggested moving to LA. We’re going tomorrow.”

The silence in the phone’s receiver was so abrupt and lifeless that for a second Theo thought the connection was lost.

“Uh, I see…” Adam mumbled at last, “Yeah, good for you… Very good… I’ll come in an hour or so then. See you.”

This time he actually disconnected. Theo put the phone away and looked at Alex, standing above an open suitcase in a tense pose right from the moment Theo had let Adam speak out.

“Is everything alright?” he wondered, catching the shadow of bewilderment on Theo’s face.

“As it can be,” Theo just shrugged, turning back to the wardrobe. What he least wanted to do then was to speak about it again. “Adam’s found a flat and he’ll come in an hour,” Theo informed and started rustling as loudly as possible to avoid further questions. The childish hint was enough, and Alex went back to packing again resignedly, though he was still thinking about what Adam was saying that minute when Theo didn’t say a word in reply and looked so overwhelmed.

***

In fact, Adam hadn’t brought a lot of belongings to Theo’s place – he didn’t have a lot on the whole and he had left most of them at his old flat, where Mary was staying – but both to Adam and Theo the minutes of packing seemed painfully endless. They weren’t swift enough for Alex either. He had stationed himself in another room beforehand and refused to walk out until they would be done, and his personal time scale was even more extended than the one Theo and Adam were experiencing. Alex was lying on the bed with a guitar and trying to distract himself, but the most unjustified and appalling assumptions wouldn’t leave his mind. All he wanted was this tough day to be over, and this little episode seemed to add it a few unwelcome additional hours.

Theo was watching Adam packing silently. Pieces of clothing and other things were landing into the bag one after another quite carelessly. Adam knew that the longer he would linger, the more it would hurt, so he tried to speed up the process as much as possible. However, the mess in the room made it harder.

“How’s Mary?” Theo suddenly inquired in such a voice as if the words had been squeezed out by the awkward silence.

“Alright,” Adam mumbled, looking around the room, “It’s not that she was very delighted to see me.” _“…particularly when I told her where I had spent the week_ ,” Adam added in his mind. “It wasn’t a big joy for me either… But I don’t think it matters now. I’m moving, she’s found some nice flats to choose from too. It’s over.”

Another wordless minute filled the room. For Adam, talking then seemed just like stepping on thin ice and trying to cross a frozen river in jumps. Theo, who was standing on the other side of the river, underestimated the thinness of the ice and was almost ready to run towards him, though not sure why and what for.

“So for how long are you going to LA?” Adam asked – being totally silent, on the other hand, seemed rude to him.

“I don’t know. At least until tours begin. There’s also the document problem, we’ll see about that. Maybe go somewhere else for a while… We’ve been planning to do that since forever.”

“Yeah, I remember. I hope you finally do this.”

With a nervous glance, Theo checked whether the door was closed and said simply and seriously:

“Actually, Alex suggested this because he thinks you and I should spend much more time away from each other. And he’s right, I guess.”

Another shirt almost flew past the bag.

“Apparently so. It’s for good,” Adam agreed calmly but his face expression was far from approval or relief.

“Oh, come on, don’t make this sad face!” Theo whined, as though Adam’s expression was a direct reproach to him, “We’ll meet again when all the things settle down, we’ll make new songs… And it’s going to be alright.”

“Yeah, I know, I know… I’m sad not about the way to fix the problem but the problem itself, you see. Particularly about my huge role in creating this problem and making it worse.”

Now Theo understood what Adam implied with these shady regrets but he chose to keep silent, unless Adam would go on and tell something else. And he did: in a moment Adam stepped away from the bag and stared right at Theo for the first time that day.

“I don’t even know for how long I won’t see you again – no matter what the period will be, I’m afraid it will be even nastier and maybe useless for me if I don’t say this right now. Not the perfect time, with your boyfriend sitting behind the wall, I know, but whatever works. When I was walking to my old flat, the whole way on foot and in the rain, I thought about it a lot. Then I thought again after seeing Mary. I would lie if I said I didn’t ever love her. She’s a wonderful woman, and I feel bad for her about meeting a bag of dicks like me. But Mary was just an attempt to run from myself. Had that presentiment from the very start, and so it was in the end.”

The growing paleness of Theo's face froze everything inside Adam but this time he was eager to speak straight from the shoulder right to the end.

“Before Mary I was with you, and that was in every way unusual and even challenging for me. I thought it was wrong and doomed but couldn’t back away, and then she appeared – calm, simple and reliable, all that I lacked then, in short. A chance to try. It went great at first. Then your thing with Alex began, and… you know, I couldn’t help envying him. If I weren’t so downbeat and rational, I could be in his place, none of this shit would have happened, I wouldn’t have hurt you, and we would just be happy together. But I made a mistake. I didn’t ever need all that Mary is, no matter how good those traits are. I just need you with your whole set of flaws. Maybe it sounds wrong – but this is how love is, sometimes wrong and irrational in its essence, still it feels like the rightest thing in the world.”

Before Theo could overcome the stun and say something, Adam caught his breath and spoke again.

“Jealousy and regret sent me insane, and these stupid things I’ve done over the past few months – I can only hope you’ll forgive me for them. But it’s not like I want everything I’ve just said to change anything – no, on the contrary, I don’t want to interrupt anymore. If you’re happy with him, let it be. This is why I’m going away, to secure your happiness. It’s even better that you’re going away too. Sort of a fresh start at a new place…” Adam stumbled as Theo’s lips twitched and he looked away, “Sorry, you don’t have to listen to all this. I’ll check everything just in case and be gone in a moment.”

A lot of different thoughts were swarming in Theo’s mind but at the moment a single set of tied questions was overshadowing all of them: what could have happened if he and Adam hadn’t broken up then? Would he be happier? Would he still fall in love with Alex? And, what’s most important, where would his relationship with Adam go? It was hard to believe that the unfortunate romance had taken only a few months, when its effect turned out to extend for a much longer time. They weren’t even living together when they split. Theo preferred to stay away from mature suggestions, and Adam was just promising himself he would spend less time at Theo’s flat every time he stayed there for more than a day, so this idea didn’t even come up. No matter which mental structures Theo tried to build, they didn’t help to answer any questions. He felt like for a moment he got stuck somewhere between the end of his relationship with Adam and the beginning of his relationship with Alex. Both seemed so faraway, as though they were just storylines of a book he had read a long time ago.

“So… this is it, I guess,” – the time Theo devoted to reflection was enough for Adam to check the contents of the bag once again, and he held out a hand to his pondering friend. He meant a goodbye handshake, but, however intricate and tense things between them were, Theo couldn’t let this goodbye be just like this, and he wrapped his arms around Adam, as his stretched out hand went up and patted Theo’s back hesitantly. A flaming twist inside of Adam lighted up the darkened room of hopes in his mind for a while but Adam set it out at once: he knew Theo just did whatever came to his mind and didn’t think a lot about why he was doing it.

“You haven’t hugged me for, like… since…”

“I’m so scared, Adam,” Theo blurted out and put his arms away. This confession had been hanging on the edge of his tongue right from the morning but Alex would probably misinterpret it as his own bad and Theo decided to spare his nerves. On the whole, he was in the state when the amount of restless thoughts inside your head makes talking about them a necessity – you would explode otherwise.

“Scared?” Adam asked, puzzled. He could count Theo’s demonstrations of that quiet fear on the fingers of one hand. “Of leaving?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t you want to go?”

“I do. I’m excited, actually. But it’s like waking up in a boat in the midst of rapid water just before a waterfall,” Theo exclaimed, with no idea why he was talking about it with Adam, but just went on, “We basically moved in the day we started dating, where was my mind then? It’s not that I regret it, absolutely not… but I didn’t even ponder the idea, I just rolled with it, blinded and ready to do anything to stop beating around the bush. And now it’s been just slightly more than a month and everything’s suddenly so clear and serious – I mean, it already was, but it will be different… literally, half a world different.”

Adam didn’t know what he was supposed to do. Agree, console Theo or just disregard this untimely realization? Anyway, could he even advise something right when his own soul held enough mess and fear? Of course, it was significant news, particularly considering everything Adam knew about Theo – or wanted to think he knew. The recklessness of the story was rather typical; however, this time there was something, in fact, sensible and regardful behind the seeming imprudence. Adam felt the change and knew the reason well so the only thing he could do was try to return to the part of a friend, the part he could actually get back. 

“You really love him, don’t you, Theo?” Adam finally said, hearing his own tranquil voice as though it was somebody else’s, “I know you do. It shows. Indeed, everything will be a bit different, yeah, but fine, maybe even better. Because he wouldn’t have asked you if it hadn’t been justified. And – you might be missing it but believe me, I know you well enough – you wouldn’t have agreed if you hadn’t been sure deep inside, you wouldn’t have even acted like that from the very beginning.”

“Acted like what?”

“Like… like your interests come second if they don’t match his. Most of the time they do, though. This is probably the best assurance that everything’s going to be fine for you two,” Adam concluded and took his bag, intending to leave at last. Sure enough, he could think of a few cheering words, but it wasn’t like he managed to switch modes instantly and just forget everything that had happened. Furthermore, he had just told Theo something very intimate and important, and he didn’t seem to take it to heart – instead, he started talking about Alex again, as though what was going on between him and Adam had none importance whatsoever.

“But am I even capable of something so serious?” Theo didn’t stop.

“I guess, at the moment you’re the only person who thinks you aren’t,” Adam responded decisively at first but his voice died down towards the end of the phrase. Like a painful puncture, a flashback struck him: when they were breaking up, Adam let out some words that clearly meant the opposite, and who knows, how seriously Theo had taken them? There were enough reasons to think the reproach had stuck in his mind.

“Well, if you say so…” Theo emphasized “you” so eloquently that Adam’s guilty suspicion became even stronger, “Thank you, Adam,” he added.

“Never mind. Er, I really should go now…” Adam walked past Theo, feeling he was approaching the verge of blurting out something very wrong again, “Good luck there, in LA.”

“Good luck to you too. And, uh… Find somebody nice by the time we meet again, will you?”

Adam lingered on the threshold.

“I don’t think I’m in the mood for searching, thanks,” he snapped and walked downstairs, having no will to wait for the elevator.

The final note of the farewell could hardly be called pleasant, nonetheless Theo was glad that at least the nasty part was over. After a long break, he thought, everything would be different. Of course, it would take time and nerves but Theo knew Adam was strong enough to stand up after strokes of fate and walk on even more resolutely than before.

When Theo walked into the bedroom, Alex heaved a relieved sigh and threw away the book he was trying to distract himself with. Several minutes had seemed like hours, and he had managed to torture himself with all kinds of disturbing delusions. He wouldn’t confess that to Theo though. Theo lay beside him on the bed quietly, and Alex lifted his arm to let Theo cuddle closer and hug him. It was what they both needed most then – just to be side by side, feel the saving warmth, that could replace all the heat of Los Angeles, and listen to each other breathing, that was more important than all the noise of London.

“You were right,” Theo whispered.

“I wish I weren’t,” Alex sighed and held his hand.

***

The boarding was yet to begin, and the sleepy couple decided to have a cup of coffee before both of them would drop asleep on each other’s shoulders and miss the plane. It was rather early in the morning, and they had spent half of the night packing and the other half distracting each other from it in every possible way. They were sitting in an airport café and thinking whether they could have forgotten something in a fuss. Both pairs of drowsy eyes were hidden behind sunglasses, though the sun was just on the rise. Nobody bothered them, except for several well-mannered fans who only asked for a picture, thanked them and were off.

“Journalists will go crazy,” Theo pondered aloud with a subtle smile, “I mean, when we’ll have been there for the time enough to be noticed.”

“Well, at least their stories will be true to life, won’t they?” Alex smiled behind his cup, “So who cares?”

“Yeah, but what’s exciting about true for them? Every addition is better than another. You just have no idea because you’re not that deep into the Internet.”

“What’s about them?” 

“One site wrote we’re making an album together, another even posted the supposed tracklist. I should’ve showed you the titles, you would’ve laughed your head off. But wait, here’s my favorite story: we’ve been married for a year now, and our wedding took place in the Bahamas. There was even a blurred picture of, uh, us during that. On the bright side, they’ve made a cute one.”

“Oh fuck,” Alex burst out laughing so merrily he almost spilt his coffee, “How nice of them!”

Theo chuckled and nodded. No signs of yesterday’s worries could be seen on his face. Disturbances didn’t stick to him for long, and one night was enough to come to believe in the absolute gorgeousness of the decision. Everything was rainbowlike again, and only Theo’s broken wrist hurt now and then, reminding of certain events.

When Alex piped down and went back to his coffee, Theo pulled out his phone and stared at the screen. His face was so concentrated, as though he had suddenly decided to solve some equations.

“What’re you doing?”

“Posting that picture of you I took at the window before we get on.”

“What, again?” Alex snickered again, “How many has there been this month?”

“Just, er… Just three, I guess. Besides this one,” Theo mumbled, trying on filters.

“And how many could do without my presence?”

“Hm… does a shadow count?”

“No wonder newspapers are having fantasy competitions,” Alex smirked, and Theo felt contentment behind the feigned annoyance, “Maybe you’ll kindly leave them some more space for imagination?

“Well, you’re the most interesting and the most beautiful part of my life, and I’d rather have my happy memories than their hollow fantasies.”

A pink veil of humble joy covered Alex’s cheeks.

“You know I don’t really mind as long as it makes you happy,” he avowed. Suddenly both pricked up their ears, as another airport announcement came. “Our flight,” Alex noticed and stood up leisurely, “Let’s go, shall we?”

“Wherever you want to, babe,” Theo replied jocosely.

At that point he was so full of genuine and unshadowed excitement that recent doubts already seemed quite foolish. All kinds of dreamy visions and anticipations were going through Theo’s mind, and he couldn’t be more certain that everything was going to be alright. He was going to live with the person he loved in a wonderful city, and Adam seemed ready to start a new life and move on too – what could be better than that?

As for Adam’s eagerness, it was substantial indeed, and the rowdy move reinforced it even more. He managed to get into another brawl with Mary for nothing, just because both were nettled enough to fly off the handle at the slightest things. For a minute he thought that an end like this, dragging his bags outside gloomily to the accompaniment of Mary’s shouts and wails, was absolutely inappropriate for all the wonderful moments they had spent together. But then an unpleasant reminder pushed it all away: what end could he really expect, perfectly aware of how and why it had started?

Silence – this was what struck Adam first when he finally got to the new apartment. He had already grown out of habit of hearing nothing. All the previous week, however hard he tried to mute the outer world somehow, Adam was usually surrounded by Theo’s rapturous monologues and Alex’s laugh, and it even seemed to him like there were a lot more happy voices than just two. Before that, he had temperate but tender conversations with Mary. Earlier, Theo’s monologues again and even more sounds from him, and that period, including the bigger romance-free part of it, went back and back in Adam’s memory until… Until what? Until their meeting? What was before Theo? What did it sound like? Adam couldn’t remember. He had to learn again.

The flat, though lovely and spacious, felt hostile. The accursed silence was so tense as though something was bound to break it abruptly – and Adam would be thankful for any disturbance. He sat on the bed awkwardly, like a guest would, his mind clear of any ideas about what he could do in this flat. Confused, Adam decided to check his phone, hoping this simple action would sober him up a bit. The first thing he saw was the picture Theo had posted in the morning, and it discouraged Adam to look further at once. Theo’s reflection was vaguely distinct in the airport window near Alex’s dark figure, making Adam even sadder. A horrible, devastating feeling of being left alone was radiating from everything: from the empty rooms, from his few bags, from the guitar, that he hadn’t touched in a while. Not only the flat, but the whole world didn’t feel like home anymore.

“How long will it take?” Adam asked himself in his mind, and all his problems seemed to merge in a single question. 


	8. Old Friends & Restored Memories

On a mild early April morning, Adam was sitting in the airport and fighting a nostalgic feeling that had been trying to knock him down since a couple of days ago. He looked much fresher and stronger than the day Theo and Alex were sitting in the same airport and waiting for the flight to the same city. Half a year had passed since the turning point, and Adam had managed to get rid of certain thoughts and feelings along the way. He was sure he had. But now Adam felt a lot like a man visiting the house where he grew up: whatever seemed lost and forgotten forever, jumped back at the comfortless guest right from the threshold.

At first Adam barely knew anything about Theo’s life in LA from his friend himself. His only sources were tabloids and common friends, and he hated to be informed like this. “ _Even tabloids know more than I, once his best friend, do_ ,” Adam thought gloomily, when he stumbled upon another set of pictures on the Internet. In fact, those pictures showed nothing but Theo and Alex walking around or having fun at some party, but even those tiniest pieces of information, that were predictable even without the media, made Adam sad. As for common friends, they didn’t even know something had once happened between Adam and Theo, so their talks lacked certain delicacy.

However, Adam had absolutely no will to enlighten anyone on the subject and kept suffering in silence. He scarcely left home during the first few weeks, and his only activities were sleeping and playing the new piano he had bought to distract himself. It was hard to distinguish one day from another: time just went and went like a never-ending grey conveyor line. This monotonous ordeal seemed to have no end whatsoever. One event brought color to those monochrome days: finally, some news from Theo, though it was just a text message.

“Hey, how are you? No news from you at all, why?” Adam read on the screen.

“Alright. How are you and Alex?” he typed.

“Perfect. Couldn’t ask for more. So, why no news?”

“Wasn’t no communication this suggestion’s point?”

“To some extent. But we’re already half a world away. Won’t you at least write how you’re doing now and then?”

Adam stared at the screen blankly until it lit up with another message.

“The point is to get rid of the problematic situation. Not of the whole relationship.”

“Okay, I will. Write to me too, then.”

“Deal!”

And so the communication was partly restored. For several weeks it consisted purely of sporadic polite questions and pointless brief answers, nonetheless it was the time when Adam realized that the happy outcome of this experiment was entirely his responsibility at this point and made an earnest decision to facilitate it as much as he could. The main condition, he thought, was not to give the anguished thoughts time to take over him. Music, parties, old and new friends, random lovers – all is fair in love and war, and this situation was a bit of both. It didn’t work out in a wink; however, little by little Adam learnt to appreciate a young bachelor’s carefree life again. After what he had experienced, he didn’t need anything serious, anything that would require certain mental strength – he hadn’t fully restored it yet. Unbinding fun was just the needed pill.

As Adam was crawling out of his misery, he talked to Theo more willingly and circumstantially. “How are you?” ceased to be the only question, cautious alrights and okays grew into talks about how they both were actually doing. Theo was beyond happy to see this advancement and regained his usual talkativeness. It was a lot like the week when Adam had to listen to one hundred and one stories about Alex but this time Adam noticed he didn’t even get that annoyed and jealous anymore. At least, not more annoyed than Theo’s perpetual babble had usually made him. Alex’s name wasn’t the reason anymore.

If there could be some ultimate sign of total reconciliation, Adam and Theo starting to make music together again was definitely it. Theo was still in in LA, and Adam in London, so they just exchanged their works through the Internet and tried to merge it all together. Fortunately, time and issues didn’t take the skills away, and soon they got back in shape. Music worked like quality glue, and all the broken pieces, already at their places and clinging to each other here and there, were finally consolidated back together so carefully, as though the crash had never happened.

Finally, Adam was quite happy with what he had. Everything was ordered and stable, and the bizarre love triangle already seemed like a long-ago nightmare to him. Unfortunately, some dreams can come back even after a thousand nights.

“Adam, it doesn’t work out, can’t you see?” Theo once called him with this disgruntled statement.

“What doesn’t?”

“The song. I’ve listened to what you sent me, it’s just raw and… Very much not like us, but in a bad sense.”

“Uh, sorry… I knew I should’ve tried arranging it in a different way. I’ll get to it today.”

“It’s not the arrangement,” Theo objected, “What it lacks, is… togetherness.”

“Is the mixing bad, then?” Adam asked, confused.

“No. These are details that can be fixed easily but I’m talking about its essence. The song’s just as disunited as we are. Do you remember how we used to write songs? Sitting in a dark room, looking at each other silently, as though our souls became one… It wasn’t just some oddity, it was substantial. We can’t outdo that, being half a world away from each other.”

“Well, probably…” Adam mumbled.

“Maybe you’ll come to LA for a week or two and we’ll work properly?” a simple suggestion came like a bolt from the blue.

“Uh…” Adam knew Theo was right but there was a weighty reason to be hesitant about the answer, “Won’t your boyfriend mind?”

“Do you mean I should ask Alex for permission every time I want to meet somebody?”

“In this particular situation, yeah. But not, like, a permission. Tell him your ex-boyfriend is coming, and you’re going to take him to a dark room and stare at him until something happens, just so he’s aware,” Adam smirked.

“It sounds very wrong, I’ll better rephrase it,” Theo let out a chuckle.

The sound subsided as Theo lowered the phone and, evidently, went to Alex to tell the news, but Adam could hear everything quite distinctly.

“Hey, Al!”

“What, darling?”

“Adam is going to come to LA to work with me, is it okay with you?”

“Uh, yeah… I mean… Am I the psychotically jealous kind? If you think it’s alright by now, it’s okay with me as well.”

After a pause Adam heard Alex’s voice again, slightly squeezed and muffled by rustle, as if Theo hugged him a bit too tightly, and Alex was trying to break back to air.

“Besides, your current method of work is crap, who the fuck makes music through the Internet? How is it possible? And what’s next? Concerts on Skype?”

Theo just chuckled, and, although Alex was trying to say something else, the sound of his voice moved away, and Adam heard Theo clearly again.

“Alex doesn’t mind. So when are you going to come?”

“I’ll check the flights, wait…” Adam turned to his laptop and in a minute murmured, “Thursday, maybe? There’s a direct flight. Takes off in the morning, London time, and I’ll be there around three, LA time.”

“Great! Let’s go somewhere in the evening then, I haven’t seen you for ages!”

“Well, if you say so,” Adam smiled, though deep in his mind all he was thinking about was whether Theo was going to bring Alex too and how it would be then, “Some bar or pub.”

“Fantastic! I’ll text our address so you book a hotel room somewhere nearby.”

Only after they hung up, it slowly came to Adam what was going to happen and what effect it could have on him. The situation, when feelings, seemingly gone, make a sharp come-back as you see the once-loved person, was painfully familiar to Adam. With Theo, it had happened dozens of times. Even long before Alex, when Theo and Adam were together, every once in a while Adam decided it was all wrong and he didn’t even have strong feelings, but then, when Adam was resolute enough to end it, he faced Theo and fell for him again and again.

“ _But now it’s different_ ,” Adam tried to reassure himself in his mind, “ _We talk alright. I don’t have any feelings for him anymore. I’m not even jealous. How can a simple meeting change that? We’d have to meet one day anyway. A band can’t exist purely online. What’s there to be afraid of_?”

However, the hysterically catastrophizing part of his mind lashed out at this humble opinion – barely with any rational arguments, but much more emotionally and persuasively. By the end of the day Adam had been thinking about it so much that even the reasonable voice inside of his head gave up and shushed.

***

“I like how you just talk on the phone while I’m trying to tell you something,” Alex declared half resentfully and half jokingly, when Theo put the phone away. As he made a highly regretting face, Alex chuckled and added, “It’s alright, I didn’t see you were on the phone anyway. I’ve just remembered… Miles is coming to LA too soon and he wants to see both of us.”

“Great! When?” Theo exclaimed jubilantly.

The relationship between Theo and Miles was a funny one. When Alex tried to introduce them to each other at some party back in London, it turned out that they had known each other from the long-ago times and didn’t need an introduction. The gone connection was restored so quickly that Alex even felt a bit left out that evening. Thereafter he sometimes even regretted bringing them together again. On the one hand, they were the two people he loved most, and the fact that they got along with each other so perfectly made Alex truly happy – in that matter, he was much luckier than Theo. On the other hand, at certain moments he wondered if it was “too perfectly” instead of “so”. Miles and Theo found a hobby in embarrassing him with their coquettish antics, and, although all members of the weird trio understood it was just all about game, Alex was the least okay with it.

“Thursday.”

“Oh, Adam’s coming on Thursday too! He said he’d land around three.”

“Three…” Alex mumbled, calling something to remembrance, “I guess, they’ll be on the same plane, then. So, uh… Miles suggests _the three of us_ go to a club or something in the evening,” Alex emphasized to forestall the idea that could come to Theo’s mind, but he ignored the undertone.

“Adam and I are going to hang out too, let’s just go together,” Theo proposed with genuine enthusiasm.

“Uh… I don’t think so.”

“Why?”

“You don’t suffer from amnesia, right?” Alex wondered softly, yet with an irritated shade, “Well, I don’t know, maybe because of everything that happened? How do you even imagine this?”

“Without a problem. Problems are far behind, I thought you realized it.”

“Yeah, probably… But it’s not like we’re suddenly friends,” Alex waved his arm in Theo’s phone direction, as though pointing at Adam, “I guess, it’s better if you and Adam meet some other day, without me around.”

“You don’t even have to talk to him, you’ve got Miles and me,” Theo noticed reasonably, “I’m sure Miles won’t mind extra company too. It’s going to be fine, come on!”

Alex made a grimace but then just sighed and nodded. Theo was extremely good at dragging him into things he would later regret one way or another.

***

So, on Thursday Adam was sitting in the airport, with no idea about this talk and full of his own problems. Some nasty presentiment was overshadowing his sane perception of the world and he couldn’t throw that dark veil away. Adam just wanted to close his eyes and fast-forward this episode; if not the whole LA trip, then at least waiting for the flight. Once on the plane, he would get a chance to sleep and therefore isolate himself from the thoughts for a while.

“Hey, you must be Adam, right?” he heard a cheerful voice nearby and turned away from the window to see a colorful spot of a man with a smile so wide as if he had just met a friend he hadn’t seen in a while.

“Yeah,” Adam answered shortly, his eyes wandering over the talker amazedly.

“I’m Miles,” said the man and stretched out his hand for a handshake.

As Miles sat down beside him with the same delighted smile, Adam’s mind gradually drifted away from LA and got some puzzles together. First of all, for obvious reasons, Adam remembered his association with Alex, then some of Theo’s stories with him involved, and finally, that he had probably met Miles at festivals once or twice, maybe even had a word with him. Neither of them remembered it, anyway, and none of this explained why Miles approached him so joyously and naturally, as though he had expected the meeting. Miles answered the question before Adam thought of how to put it right:

“So we’re on the same flight, aren’t we? Al told me we are.”

“Oh, are we?” Adam could only say, not quite comprehending the situation yet, “If only Theo was that mindful.”

Miles chuckled.

“Theo has told me a lot about you, by the way.”

“Sounds like a threat.”

“Nah, more like a compliment, actually,” Miles admitted and patted Adam on his back meaningly.

The phrase made Adam wonder what exactly Theo had disclosed and to what extent Miles was aware of their relationship, but he chose to keep silent.

“Chill, he told nothing much,” Miles laughed at the confusion in his face, “Just enough to show you’re a nice guy. When Al told me that we would go to the bar all together, I was, like, yeah, we’ll finally… Oh, you didn’t know about that either?” Miles stuttered as Adam’s face grew even more confused.

“Uh, not really… I mean, partly. I suppose, you know the bar’s address as well?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Fucking hell,” Adam let out, “Does Theo even remember anything concerning me?”

“Oh, poor man,” Miles said compassionately and hugged Adam on the shoulder, “Don’t worry, we’ll go together.”

On the solely black color of Adam’s clothes, Miles’ bright red sleeve looked strangely relevant and even necessary. They looked like a crow and a parrot, sitting on the same branch, and balanced each other in both color and mood. Adam glanced at Miles’ hand perplexedly and for some reason imagined them walking into the bar like this in front of Theo and Alex.

“He might have just forgotten to text you today but he’ll do it in the morning. It’s night time in LA at the moment, remember?”

Adam nodded absently. “ _Low point. A scarcely familiar man is consoling me as if I’m a dumped girl_ ,” he thought and winced. Five minutes before he had thought it couldn’t get any worse, but it did, and there were 11 hours of this ahead. In the meantime Miles switched to some anecdotic episode about him, Theo and Alex which was initially connected with Theo’s inattention but then, story by story, he went back in time to reminisce purely about him and Alex. “ _Holy shit, now there’s two of them_ ,” Adam thought, “ _Maybe I should just write all of this down and make up a book about Alex’s life, it would be a shame to waste such an encyclopedia of him as my mind is now._ ”

On the bright side, Miles was a fascinating narrator and had a good sense of humor, so Adam felt better after a while and started chuckling now and then. His jaunty voice muted the apprehensive questions in Adam’s mind. Easy-going, talkative and enthusiastic, Miles reminded him of Theo a bit, Theo of the times before all the mess began, and this slight resemblance, however illusionary or real it was, couldn’t fail to give Adam a smile. “ _Funny how fate plays_ ,” a thought came to him all at once, and the long flight ahead didn’t seem so unbearable anymore.

***

“Ready, babe?” Theo called out, combing his hair in front of a mirror intently, and Alex’s relaxed voice followed from the bedroom:

“Almost there.”

“Let’s go then, we’re supposed to be there in 10 minutes,” Theo concluded, paced to the room and whined impatiently, “Shit, not again!”

Alex was lying around in bed half-naked and watching TV with a face so idle, as though he had forgotten about the meeting at all. In fact, he, of course, hadn’t, but clung to every excuse to postpone it. Actual reasons failed to be arranged. Since Theo didn’t change his mind, Alex tried to influence Miles and drop a hint about his utter reluctance to spend the evening like that. Miles, however, was already too excited about the plan and didn’t give in, in spite of the fact that he lied to Adam about knowing “nothing much”. In fact, Miles knew a lot – what’s more, from both sources. But, just like Theo’s, his opinions were on the bright side.

“Look, they’re showing African lions!” Alex shouted while Theo was trying to tear the blanket off him, “They’re majestic!”

“Not as majestic as your lazy ass wrapped in a blanket,” Theo commented, throwing the blanket away, and started tickling him, “Get up!”

“How is… this… going to help me… get up?” Alex was choking with laughter.

“It’s not help but punishment,” Theo explained kindly, “Seriously, Alex Turner, if you don’t get up right now, I’ll fucking carry you there in my arms just like this,” he warned with a chuckle, “To the joy of the many.”

“You’re such an idiot,” Alex grumbled, blushing, and got up to give him a humble kiss. The gathering couldn’t be postponed forever. The most reasonable thing to do was to get himself together and go for it for the good of the people he loved.

The company was supposed to meet at 8 in the evening but eventually Alex and Theo turned up at the bar around half an hour later. Neither Miles, nor Adam called them to wonder why they were so late. Alex wasn’t surprised. “Miles is used to it,” he just said. Theo wasn’t surprised either, but his explanation was different: “I guess, Adam just thinks it’s inappropriate again or something like that.”

The actual explanation, however, was that Miles and Adam, already at the bar, were too carried away by the conversation to look at the time and notice the delay. It went on right from the Heathrow airport, with the pauses of both having a nap on the plane and, then, parting for their hotels after arriving in LA. “ _Just don’t stop talking, I’ll take anything_ ,” Adam prayed in his mind, having noticed that Miles’ talks muffled his heavy thoughts. Miles didn’t, and Adam was thankful for that. Music, football, fashion – they gladly talked about everything, and the leech of reflection eased its grasp.

After all, Theo remembered to text Adam the address, but before that Miles had already arranged him and Adam meeting in advance. Another wave of anxiety rolled up to Adam at the bar, minutes before the supposed meeting. This time Miles wasn’t enough to hold it back. However, distracting Adam a bit was still in his power, so he was doing the best he could, not even knowing he was.

“They must be already here,” Theo halted at the door and looked around the bar, “Can you see them?”

“Not yet,” Alex’s eyes were wandering over the room too.

“Ah, here they are!” Theo went ahead, making Alex follow him though he couldn’t see them yet, “Seems like they’ve already got on well… Hey, lads!” Theo exclaimed, as they walked up to the table at which Adam and Miles were sitting.

Suddenly, Adam felt blood rushing to his cheeks. Fortunately for him, the lighting in the bar was dim enough to hide it. Miles jumped up and wrapped his arms around both Theo and Alex at the same time. Adam stood up too, and his legs felt disobedient and heavy, as though in a bad dream. Everything went like it did in his worst assumptions. It was as if a time machine rushed him back to the time when the healing break hadn’t happened yet. The whole set of bad signs was back again, and the return was so harsh that Adam could hardly think of how he would bear the rest of the evening.

As Miles finally let them go, Theo switched his hugs to Adam who was just awkwardly standing nearby and trying to squeeze out a cheery face expression. Finally, Alex and Adam made a step towards each other and shook hands with a careful smile. Both let go rather quickly, though. Theo and Alex seated themselves in front of their friends, and at least two of the company had a feeling that this was not a friendly gathering, but some intricate chess match or another tense game.

The more Adam looked at Theo, the more certain he was that, after all, it wasn’t the same feeling. Such a break could not be absolutely worthless; maybe it failed to be a perfect remedy but at least softened the symptoms. The old dagger, that once could pierce, was blunted by time and lost its menace. But even an old weapon can hurt – and it did quite palpably. While Theo and Miles were chattering, Adam mostly kept silent, stuck to his drink and thought whether the full points would ever cease to turn into commas.

The only thing that kept him away from complete gloom was Miles’ presence near at hand. Whenever Adam’s eyes became sullenly unfocused and froze staring at the table, Miles raised his voice and broke into his dismal thoughts world – either squeezed him with a sudden hug or patted him on the back. Annoyed, Adam looked up and smiled constrainedly to show he was still there. After a while he noticed that Alex wasn’t very much into the chat as well. He talked not more than Adam, and his face bore even bigger vexation. Deep in thought, Alex held his babbling boyfriend’s hand, threw sulky glances at Miles and tried very hard not to meet Adam’s eye.

“Adam! Adam, can you hear me?” Theo’s voice got Adam out of his own world once again, and he turned away from the lamp that he had been staring at for a minute. Theo looked as though he was waiting for an answer to some question he had asked, Miles was staring at Adam even more expectantly, and Alex was sipping his beer with indifference.

“Er? Sorry, I dozed off.”

“I said, have you found somebody as I had asked you to?” Theo repeated with a highly ingenuous smile.

“ _Crap, how did they come to this topic?_ ” Adam thought crustily, “Uh… Not really. I didn’t say I would. How do you promise a thing like that?”

“Depends on the kind of somebody you’re talking about,” Miles noticed archly.

“I don’t know what you meant, Theo, but I’m more about somebod _ies_ at the moment and quite okay with it,” Adam snapped involuntarily, as the subject irritated him even more. However, Theo smiled.

“Well, that’s good as well. Whatever makes you happy. This is what I meant.”

“Yeah, why would a young handsome man settle down so early, anyway?” Miles agreed, and Adam felt an approving pat on his knee. Or not a pat – the hand stayed there eventually. The table hid the movement; Theo and Alex kept sitting there with the same expressions: one lively and another sluggish.

“It’s not that I’m against settling down in general, just not the right time,” Adam mumbled, suddenly willing to clarify this, as Miles’ hand slid up slightly. He didn’t mind. Concern about future, even though this kind of future wouldn’t involve more than a few hours from then, was better than concern about long-lost past. After all, it would perfectly fit into Adam’s current lifestyle, and Miles appealed to him quite well.

From this moment, the evening changed its key. With this nonchalant permission Adam let Miles know he was in the game, and so it went on and on. They kept playing around with words and hands, and it was a good killer for Adam’s dispiritedness. However, once in a while he couldn’t help but glance at Theo stealthily – would he show at least some disturbance? Not at all.

“I see, the flight was truly enjoyable for both of you,” Theo just chuckled, when Miles was trying to take a picture of him kissing Adam on the cheek. He was watching the scene not only without a shade of jealousy, but even fondly.

“Yeah, that’s right, how come you didn’t acquaint us before?” Miles wondered, looking at another picture, failed because of the faint lighting. Alex put his glass on the table so forcefully that Miles almost dropped his phone. “Theo, help me take this fucking pic, please!”

“Alright, here goes…” Theo grabbed the phone enthusiastically, “Done!”

“Thanks, mate,” Miles beamed. As he immersed himself in processing, Adam got time to look around. Theo was still smiling and now sending Adam strange winks, glancing from him to Miles and backwards. Melancholy gave Adam a faint remindful prick, and he decided to look away without any reaction. Then he saw Alex: he was tapping his fingers with his eyes aimed at the center of the table, the neutral territory amid the whole company. His face was so inscrutable and collected that it was hard to decide whether he didn’t care for the gathering or actually had some strong emotions but tried to hide them.

As soon as Miles was done, he distracted Adam again, and, when they both turned away from the table, Alex laid his head on Theo’s shoulder softly and sighed.

“Are you alright?” Theo whispered, hugging him closer.

“Uh… Not so much,” Alex admitted in a low voice.

“What’s the matter?”

“Can we just go home now? I’m pretty sure the meeting’s run its course.”

“But you barely said a word!”

“I’ll speak to Miles later, believe me,” Alex nagged disaffectedly. A bit confused, Theo kissed his pale forehead and agreed:

“As you wish. Guys, it’s probably time… Guys!” he had to repeat to capture their attention, as Miles and Adam seemed to be too smitten to hear something around from the first time, “Alex and I are going home now. It was nice seeing you both. Will you stay here or leave too?”

“Oh, too bad,” Miles regretted, “I was about to suggest going to some club, it’s pretty boring here by now.”

“Sorry, not in the mood, mate,” Alex retorted with stone-cold politeness.

Theo looked at him, worried, then at Miles and decided Alex needed him more.

“Sounds great but I think I’m done for now. Maybe later? How long are you staying?”

“About a week. I’ll catch you at your word then!”

“Hey, I’d like some clubbing,” Adam raised his hand.

“Finally, a man’s answer!” Miles exclaimed joyously, and Theo giggled.

“Great, just don’t club him inside out, we’re going to work tomorrow. 10 a.m., at the crossroad near the studio, remember, Adam?”

“Right. See you there.”

In a minute the company left the bar, hugged each other goodbye and walked away in opposite directions. This time Alex didn’t even shake hands with Adam and buzzed off right after giving Miles a constrained hug. His pace was so quick and resolute that Theo had to hurry after him.

“Hey…” Theo heaved, catching his hand. The fingers were tense and unwelcoming, but they eased up a bit in Theo’s gentle grasp. They walked hand in hand in silence for a while. It didn’t feel like a romantic stroll under the stars. Uneasiness was too distinct. Finally, Theo muttered: “Sorry for this evening…”

“Uh? It wasn’t you who made it lousy.”

“I mean, sorry for coming up with this idea in the first place. I thought you and Adam were okay with each other by now.”

“Well… It’s not just Adam, frankly speaking,” Alex let out in a reluctant manner and fell silent immediately. After some time, when Theo was certain that he wouldn’t get any more explanations just like this, he spoke out:

“You mean Miles and Adam, right?”

Hasty steps and no answer.

“Am I right? Can you just nod if I am?”

The corner of Alex’s mouth twitched, but he did nothing else.

“Look, Al, it’s alright,” Theo said soothingly, “One doesn’t have to be a psychologist to notice there was something between you and Miles. I guessed long ago but I didn’t feel like there was a need to talk about it. For me, there’s nothing wrong with this. I don’t mind you seeing each other or all three of us hanging out. I really don’t… Unless it affects our relationship, of course.”

“It won’t,” Alex reassured shortly and, realizing he had just admitted the assumption, decided to keep silent again before he would let out anything else.

“What’s the matter then? It used to be okay,” Theo went on, remembering how Miles left him and Alex in a pub arm-in-arm with some girl, and Alex didn’t look that nettled then, “I mean, you two seemed to be fine with everything. I even envied that. Wondered how you managed to keep on so easily. After dating, not everybody can…”

“Ah, we didn’t even date, maybe that’s the reason,” Alex waved away with a sour smirk. Under the weight of Theo’s concerned look, he added in a while, “It was more like… Something, as you said.”

Theo felt a strong urge to shake Alex on the shoulders until all his riddles and insinuations would fall out.

“What do you mean?”

“Uh… It’s better if I keep the rest to myself.”

“That suspense of yours already makes it worse.”

Driven into a corner, Alex inhaled slowly, like a swimmer getting ready for a long and low dive.

“Well, it’s just… It’s hard to be just pals with Miles, he’s always on the border of – oh, why, borders are so vague for him, actually. Between the two of us, they’re mostly my thing. Miles’ amorousness is hard to emborder. He falls for whomever he meets. What’s more, he has a talent for infusing people with the same spirit. It would be a shame to waste a skill like that, wouldn’t it?”

“Yeah… So?”

“You’ve got to consider that volatility and know your place when being with Miles. Plans and dreams will barely work out. It’s all just… about the moment. I didn’t mind when I was younger but I’m not that young anymore. Years ago, when we were just reckless boys, I… I don’t think it’s appropriate to go on,” Alex interrupted himself harshly, “The gist is clear already.”

“Not really,” Theo objected, “Please, go on.”

“Okay… Uh… It was kind of sporadic and… circuited. At one moment we were lovers, then just friends again, then we could have a break of any connections whatsoever but eventually started everything all over again. Sometimes just because of boredom or gloom. Sometimes more… uh… heartfelt. I knew how it was from the very start but in some periods I even dared to hope it would float to some higher level. It never did. Miles had his relationships, I had mine… nowise together. The thing is, for many years I didn’t mind this set of rules. Not that we messed around too often, anyway…” Alex halted his slow narration and fell into deep thought.

“And how did it end? Did it even end?”   

“Yeah. With the lapse of time we kind of drifted away from each other as lovers. Not as friends, though. As for romantic nature, we couldn’t go on just like that anymore. I’ve moved on, and Miles keeps to his manner. Maybe even… more decisively than before. There were no breakup talks as there was nothing really to break up. One day we just stopped and stuck to friendship, and both of us were wordlessly okay with that. That connection couldn’t stay on that perpetual intermittent stage anymore, it could either go up or down. So it died down quite peacefully. The only drawback was that the choice wasn’t completely unanimous from both of us… Uh, this is irrelevant, sorry...”

A haunting parallel materialized in Theo’s mind: so this was what his and Adam’s relationship could have ended like, if not for that notorious breakup. Theo felt some likeness to Miles, and Adam, with some minor amendments, resembled Alex. The outcome was the biggest difference.

“It ended nearly two years ago,” Alex came to himself once again, “And, by the way… Remember how we met?”

“Sure!”

“You asked me why I was so sad or something like that. Well, this is why. Some time had passed already, but I had seen Miles at a festival the other day, and it got me a bit reminiscent… Why the fuck did you make me tell all this?” Alex suddenly burst out and pulled his hand out of Theo’s, “It’s so wrong! I shouldn’t have mentioned a thing about that!”

“Al, calm down, it’s okay,” Theo stopped and hugged his disgruntled lover. The story wasn’t as disturbing for him as Alex had thought it would be. Moreover, Theo had expected something like that and therefore was prepared in advance. To his mind, this revelation would hardly change anything between him and Alex or Miles. Alex fidgeted in his embrace slightly but didn’t break away. “I know what it’s like…” Theo stroked his hair tenderly, “Some things always stay. Priority is the question. Maybe a little bit of jealousy is just inevitable, whatever you do.”

“It’s not that. Not just that, at least,” Alex retreated and walked on, speaking more calmly now, “Miles knows the bad blood between me and Adam very well. I know it’s his business but he could’ve chosen another, uh, victim or at least not shoved that into my face. I wouldn’t want this image anywhere near my mind. I’ve had enough when there were three of us. But four, with the strings so tangled? Hell no,” he shook his head, “It wouldn’t… be in any way good. Only worse, I’m afraid.”

Theo just nodded distractedly – on the contrary, he could imagine a nice scenario of this. When he saw Miles and Adam flirt, he had other feelings than Alex, though they seemed to be in a similar situation. Theo was happy to see Adam had moved on; furthermore, he liked Miles a lot and would be just delighted to see him with Adam in any sense. Their personalities balanced each other quite well, and Theo knew Adam needed somebody like this much more than most people he would consider suitable for himself. However, if Alex was against it so flatly, Theo decided to pipe down his enthusiasm for this idea.

When home was already in sight, Alex suddenly chuckled at his own thought and explained:

“Just for the record, you were on Miles’ list too once.”

“Uh?” Theo turned to him in perplexity, and Alex smirked.

“Yeah, in that sense you’re thinking of… I told him to ease off in time, though.”

“Uh?!” Theo repeated, now laughing mutely, “Really? That one time when he climbed on my lap in a club was an easy one, wasn’t it?”

“Well…” Alex sighed and opened the door for him, “For Miles, this is to ease off, you know.”

 ***

When Theo left for the studio the next morning, Alex was too sleepy to show whether he was still snappy about the yesterday’s incident. Theo, of course, had already moved this memory to the backyard of his mind. The one thing he was thinking of was the forthcoming work with Adam. New music was flowing smoothly in his head and wreathing him all around like an encouraging hug. Exceptionally cheerful, Theo was dressing himself quickly while Alex was watching him from beneath the blanket with his eyes half-closed. Before going out, Theo jumped back into the bed, rumpled Alex’s hair and kissed him spryly – he could never resist the opportunity to tease that sleeper – and only then was off, humming something funky.

Theo had been standing at the meeting spot for about 20 minutes, but there was still no sign of Adam. He was looking around nervously. As a rule, Adam had warned him about delays this long. Now he didn’t even pick up the phone. Starting to worry, Theo kept calling, and at last he heard a mumbled “hello”.

“Adam, where the fuck are you?”

“I’m… Oh fuck, what time is it?”

“It’s the time we should be sitting in the studio and working for 20 minutes already.”

“Crap… I’m so sorry, Theo, I must’ve forgotten to set the alarm clock and overslept… So sorry…” Adam murmured quietly and not quite distinctly.

“Yesterday’s night a bit too good?” Theo chuckled.

“Uh… Apparently so,” Adam admitted even more quietly, and then another voice interrupted him: “I’m not sleeping by now anyway, mate. You can talk louder,” – it was definitely Miles’ voice. Theo’s jaw dropped. The following giggles clearly belonged to Miles as well.

“Hey, Theo, good morning! How are you?” Miles shouted into Adam’s phone. The phrase ended in something similar to Adam sighing with shame.

“Pretty good, thanks. Wouldn’t mind you letting my bandmate go to work, though,” Theo requested amiably.

“My fault. We’ll fix that up,” Miles promised, and then Theo heard Adam again, now with noise and changing loudness, as though he was trying to get his phone back, “I’ll be there… in 15 minutes… See you.”

“Not so quickly, buddy,” Miles smirked somewhere in the background, and the call ended.

Theo looked at the screen in surprise. He had nothing against what he had just heard but it felt like he had not only overheard something but literally broken into the room he hadn’t been supposed to enter. Whatever could happen between Adam and Miles, Theo wouldn’t want to be involved as the carrier of the secret. Alex didn’t want this to happen or just to know anything about it at all – and that put Theo in a difficult situation: did he have to tell Alex about this? Theo himself understood it was probably nothing worth talking about – at least, in his view. As for Alex, who had been so vexed even with some regular flirting… In short, Theo could only hope that this thing wouldn’t go anywhere further and, more importantly, would stay unrevealed.


	9. Full Circle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, I’ve never been so emotionally attached to a fic, and ending it feels as sad as never before. However, the end was more or less planned from the very start and going beyond it would be absolutely wrong and useless. Since it’s the last chapter, I’d like to thank people who have been following this weird experiment; and, of course, my biggest gratitude goes to my priceless beta @gabrielthequeenofsass who made it possible in the first place by not only editing the chapters but also keeping me motivated to go on which is probably even more important.

“Hey!” Theo smiled as the messy figure with a guitar on his shoulder rushed into the studio lubberly. Clumsy movements gave away the late awakening but Adam’s face lacked hangover vagueness that would show that last night Adam had not even been too thoughtful about his actions. “Good morning! Was the night even better?” Theo chuckled.

“Shut up,” Adam growled out, avoiding Theo’s sly look. Just the thought of discussing this with Theo was repulsive, and Adam hoped that they would just skip this part and get to work. The singer’s open-armed smirk told otherwise.

“Yeah, okay. Your embarrassment shows for  _miles_  around.”

“Uh…”

“Anyway, why did you forget to set the alarm? Were you lost in thought, like,  _miles_ away?”

“Have you spent all this time making up terrible puns? This is one super productive morning in a studio,” Adam commented frostily, the corner of his mouth twitching into a slight smile, though.

“Maybe. Okay, I’ll just stop. I understand this night was no  _miles_ tone.”

“For fuck’s sake, how many left?”

Theo pondered for a moment.

“That’s all for now, I guess. When you came, I was thinking how I could use “smiles”. I’ll let you know when I come up with an idea,” Theo promised with a giggle, unable to resist bantering. Adam’s distinctive last straw look, however, made him fall silent. It also reminded him of Alex’s frown upon the same matter. Jokes aside, Theo felt something similar to guilt. After all, he had been the one who had initiated the meeting and taken things onto a whole new level of awkwardness.

Before Theo’s jokes, however, Adam did not feel that uncomfortable. His scurrying morning was free of forced romantic gestures that would only spoil the good impression. As Adam was prancing around Miles’ hotel room, collecting pieces of clothing and putting them on hastily, Miles was watching him from the bed with a carefree smile.

“It’s a pity you’re leaving so early. We should hang out again sometime,” Miles asserted, and Adam mumbled something inarticulate in reply, “How long are you staying?”

“About two weeks.”

“Ah, lucky you. I’m leaving in a week.”

“Theo and I have a lot of time booked in the studio, so, well…” Adam shrugged. In fact, he did not mind another meeting – particularly if it would happen without their friends around this time – but was not sure that it was necessary and that Miles actually meant it. The talk seemed more like a demonstration of civility.

“I see. Maybe back in London, then,” Miles got up and proceeded to the bathroom, patting Adam on the shoulder on his way, “Bye-bye, Adam.”

“Bye, Miles,” Adam responded and rushed to his hotel to grab his guitar first and then to the studio, not thinking about the sultry night too much already.

And now Theo was talking to him like a nasty schoolboy, teasing a friend about his crush, and it got Adam close to the boiling point in short order. With the whole web of past and present romance around them, Theo could have at least abstained from absurd jokes.  

“Uh… Sorry,” Theo murmured while Adam was untangling the wires crossly, “So where are you two?” he wondered as ingenuously as he could. Knowing that would not be excess, Theo thought, since Alex was probably still touchy about this episode.

“Where?” Adam echoed with vexation, “As in…? It was just a one-night stand!”

“Okay, I just wanted to say, in case you expected…”

“I fucking didn’t!”

“Fine, but I know you might. I just wanted to warn you Miles isn’t the man for that. Just so… we avoid any more misunderstanding,” Theo disclosed carefully. Two confused glances met each other, and Theo hasted to add: “I hope you don’t think it’s all because I’m jealous, right?”

“Thanks for reminding you don’t even care,” Adam could not resist snapping.

“I care. Actually, this is why I’m talking about this. There’s also another thing…” – and Theo retold Alex’s story in brief, making Adam raise his eyebrows.

“Full circle,” Adam could only mumble.

“So… Do what you want to do, it’s your business. But at least don’t flaunt it. Please. If it matters to Alex, it matters to me, too.”

It took some time for Adam to process the information. Even with a whole world of things he knew about Theo, he still could not understand how his mind worked. Wasn’t he at least a bit jealous? How was he fine with Alex hanging out with Miles after all this? Finally, Adam spoke out in a much calmer manner:

“I can’t really understand what you’re talking about. What’s there to flaunt? I’m not, like, putting a medal for this night on my chest and walking around with it. I don’t even think Miles and I will meet again. Frankly, I’m not looking for anything serious at the moment. Apparently, it’s not his case either. As for Alex – sorry, Theo, but I’d really like to cut the number of our encounters, anyway. No offense, I’m glad everything’s fine between you two, but it just feels too awkward, you know. Maybe we’ll get to work at last, now it’s all figured out?”

Theo smiled and dragged his chair closer to the screen.

“Yeah. Less drama, more music. Or for us, probably, just both.”

***

A whole abyss seemed to split the day, like someone crammed a piece of an old story into a newer book. As soon as Theo decided to keep away from the risky topic, work flowed as though nothing obstructive had happened at all. The songs started sounding a lot better than they did while being put together from different parts of the world. Theo and Adam went to a café near the studio for a break, and this episode was just as alright as the rest; yet each of them felt a bit of tension coming from the fear that another would suddenly step over the seeming line and ruin everything.

Nonetheless, the balance endured, and they parted amiably, having arranged the meeting the next day. Almost every day of Adam’s visit was supposed to be spent at the studio. Both felt quite enthusiastic about it, and there were not only creative reasons for that. They hoped that these two working weeks would be the final chord in their long-suffering reconciliation. The first day, being successful musically and almost fine personally, strengthened those hopes.

When Theo came home in the evening, Alex was watching TV. They exchanged a warm smile, Theo flopped on the sofa beside him and entwined his arm around Alex’s shoulder. Theo was so happy he could not help beaming; it was that kind of common happiness when you understand nothing special is happening – but everything just seems so in place and perfect that you feel better than in times of some outstanding triumph. Adam and he were recording new songs, the relationship between them was more or less stable, and the person he loved was beside him – Theo did not even know what else he could want.

“How was your day?” Alex wondered, lowering the sound.

“Good. I think we’re back in shape musically. Amazing how much psychological connection brings into art,” Theo contemplated aloud. Alex’s silence did not seem quite amazed, though, and Theo gave him a couple of calming cheek kisses. “And yours? What did you do?”

“Fine, I walked around with Miles,” Alex answered, and Theo tensed up at once, leaving Alex’s cheek unkissed for a while. It was not because of jealousy – Theo had already sorted out this problem in his mind – but because he was afraid of certain things being leaked out and somehow he felt responsible for the whole matter. Not feeling the kisses anymore, Alex turned his head to Theo and made a pouty grimace. “Fuck, why on Earth did I think it was acceptable to open up on this…”

“It’s alright, I just got lost in thought,” Theo hasted to reassure and gave him another kiss, “How’s Miles?” he asked, trying to come up with an unsuspicious way to find out if the problematic topic was still undercover.

“Uh… Okay. Why?”

“Just wondering. You never know what LA nights may bring.”

Alex stared at Theo once again with obvious puzzlement and even offense in his face.

“Okay, this is awkward,” Theo admitted, “We should stop talking about our exes.”

“He’s not my ex,” Alex objected faintly.

“I didn’t say ex-boyfriend. Ex-something or whatever you call it. Let’s just watch some TV show.”

“Right. I wouldn’t mind any other TV drama over the one we’re all having in real life,” Alex noticed with an ironic giggle.

“We’re more of a sitcom,” Theo laughed and hugged him closer, “So, I bet, after a series of not so funny gags it’s all going to be fine, after all.”

***

No matter what Theo claimed, the following week was a bit tense, particularly for him. As a rule, when Theo was at the studio with Adam (and this was most of the time), Alex was hanging out with Miles – sometimes among a company, sometimes just the two of them. Either way, Theo was still slightly concerned and tried to calm himself down, repeating that nowise was he responsible for other two grown men’s actions and Alex was reasonable enough to understand it. Anyway, he did not show any signs of secret ill feelings and even seemed to be somewhat calmer about the whole story. Each evening was just as cozy and tender as before London guests’ arrival. As the matter of worry moved away into the past, Theo left it behind and stopped bothering.

Meanwhile, Adam was much more worried about another problem. Obviously enough, he did not care about Alex’s possible vexation (a toxic idea of taking some kind of revenge visited him a couple of times, though; but Adam chased this childish thought away), and he did not care about this episode overall either. What he did care about was seeing Theo every day and, as far as possible, being calm about it. It was a lot like getting rid of dandelions in a lawn: just one missed flower can bring back the whole set; and Adam felt pretty much like he had missed a few and was getting drowned in yellowness again. A little bit of sadness was good for the creative process but it had to be stopped before it turned into something bigger and, on the opposite, obstructive.

The departure was getting closer like the salvatory light at the end of the tunnel. However, it did not gave Adam much delight. These two weeks were supposed to become the full stop of a long-running problem. But they didn’t, and it was only getting worse again. At that point Adam was starting to think that nothing at all would ever be able to solve this case, if so many intermissions and talks turned out to be of no use.

A week passed by. In the evening, Adam was lying around in his hotel room. He did not have to go to the studio the next day so Adam was thinking about how he would spend it. Going out on his own did not appeal much to him at the moment, so Adam was just checking out the lists of new shows worth watching. Suddenly his phone started buzzing, and Adam instantly got his hopes up that it would be Theo preferring him over Alex at least once and suggesting going somewhere except for the studio. Strange enough, he saw Miles’ name on the screen.

“Hey, mate, what’s up?” Miles greeted him amiably. They had not spoken for a week, but he sounded as cheerful as if they had been hanging out every day.

“Oh, hi. Not much, actually.”

“How’s the studio work going? Have you managed to sort out that bridge?”

“Uh…” Adam mumbled. He felt uncomfortable when somebody intervened in his and Theo’s musical process even indirectly.

“Theo told me you were having a problem with some strings bridge and looking for the right sound.”

“Ah, Theo. The unrecognized information agency. Nah, not quite. Theo suggested something close to what it should be but – well, no. I’m still searching.”

“Good,” Miles approved, and something perky in his voice made Adam think he had taken it figuratively, “Look, I’m leaving the day after tomorrow. I thought we all should hang out tomorrow like we did then. Like, at parting. Will you come?”

Like they did then. It probably meant the same company.

“Just like then?” Adam wondered, with no idea how he could put the question politely so that he would get the needed answer.

“Kind of. I’d suggest another bar, though. That one was shit.”

“Hm, I don’t know…”

“Any other plans?”

“No, I just… Ah, fuck it, I’ll come,” Adam decided unexpectedly even for himself. The words broke away as soon as he remembered the rosy distraction that Miles managed to bring to his mind. Even now, just speaking with him on the phone, Adam felt a bit relieved and actually willing to do something else than lying around and suffering.

“Great!” Miles rejoiced, “Any bar recommendations?”

“Honestly, I’m not an expert.”

“Okay, then help me choose. The first one is on Melrose Avenue and it’s…”

“Why don’t you ask Theo and Alex? They live here, they know better,” Adam shrugged. Attention was flattering, but he could not see a reason behind it.

“Oh, apparently you haven’t experienced talking to both of them on the phone at the same time. Highly informative, helpful and serious,” Miles laughed amicably.

“I can imagine,” Adam sighed and felt empathic, “I lived with them for a while. Okay, tell me about those bars…”

***

In less than 24 hours, the problematic four were reunited in the bar Miles and Adam had chosen. The invitation for Theo and Alex had been worded differently so Adam’s presence was a surprise for both. Theo hugged him with a smile, yet he glanced at Alex’s reaction stealthily and he did not like what he saw. After all greeting formalities were performed, Alex went off to bring beer for everyone but Theo knew it was mostly an excuse to absent himself for a while. He could not resist hurrying to the bar counter to find Alex sitting there with a pensive face and waiting for the drinks. Theo put a calming hand on his shoulder, and Alex winced of unexpectedness.

“You okay?”

“Overjoyed,” Alex snapped but apologized at once, “Sorry. I’m okay, actually. But, uh… you know to what extent.”

The forgotten worries and the inexplicable feeling of guilt surged within Theo again.

“Did you… uh… talk to Miles about it?” Theo tried to clarify once again.

“What am I supposed to say? Mate, can you, please, take a vow of celibacy because we almost dated a shit-ton of time ago and now I’m in a happy committed relationship, so it would be, like, super logical?” Alex reflected so calmly as though he was seriously considering this. Theo could see that his fingers were tapping some chaotic tarantella on the counter, though. “It doesn’t concern me at all, actually. We didn’t speak about it, of course, and I don’t intend to.”

“What’s that face of a kicked puppy, then?”

Alex blushed and said nothing.

“Look at them, they seem alright,” Theo went on, waving his hand at their table on the opposite side of the room, where Adam and Miles seemed to be having a strained conversation, “I mean, not even touchy-feely. Just talking.”

“Well,” Alex said gloomily, “Adam’s presence is quite enough to tell things.”

“Come on, don’t whine. I’m here for you. We’ll just stay for a while, have a couple of drinks, then set off home, and go to bed so that I can console you properly. I mean, with blankets, buckets of ice cream, wine, sappy films. The classic ways.”

“Just help me with the glasses, consoler,” Alex smirked and carried two of them to the rounded booth they had occupied, “It’s not that I say no, though,” he added on his way.

“Great. Maybe we’ll even extend the program one way or another.”

“If your consoling abilities are enough.”

“I’ll try my best,” Theo promised.

Alex’s face fell again slightly as they came back to the booth and sat down. Miles left Adam, who did not look willing to chat, in peace and switched his attention to them. When the conversation finally took off, Adam felt even more like an odd man out. He could see distinctly that his presence did no good to the atmosphere of the meeting and hardly had any point at all. This time Miles was not as frisky as he had been a week ago and did not even show much interest in interacting with Adam at all. Theo was too busy watching if this would change and giving Alex tender trifles as often as it was needed to keep him unreflective. Overall, Adam had absolutely nothing to occupy himself with and was trying to come up with a decent excuse to leave, sipping beer silently.

The conversation did not come easy and wrapped up after a while. The beer, which was the only distraction for some, was gone by then. The dome of awkward silence fell over the table again. Miles was looking around helplessly, obviously not delighted by the outcome of the meeting. Even Theo sat silently, hugging Alex in a protective manner. Just when Adam wanted to excuse himself and leave, Miles asked buoyantly:

“Shots, anyone?”

The company squinted at him sourly but Miles did not turn upset.

“Well, then shots, everyone. I’ll go order. And when I come back, we’ll play a great drinking game: every sadsack gets extra ten shots,” Miles threatened jokingly and walked off.  

“Extra ten? That’s quite a lot. He didn’t mean it, right?” Theo murmured to Alex, who was lying on his shoulder leisurely.

“You never know,” Alex shrugged.

Shots livened up the constrained ambiance a bit, even though the rules turned out to be not so strict. Everybody pounced on the glasses like a sufferer grabs the long-awaited pill. The meeting finally started to gain some sense as the uncomfortable company got tipsy enough to cast aside the awkward preconceptions. For a little while, they could even pass as a group of actual friends.

However, the amount of devoured alcohol soon rolled over the thin edge where everything was suddenly tolerable. Then the drinkers started performing weird tricks they would not normally do, and it became even more awkward. Theo watched Miles and Alex talking animatedly, with some difficult thought process showing in his clouded eyes, then he suddenly stood up and flopped back down between them clumsily, raising his arm unstably, apparently as a sign to stop talking. None explanation followed from him, and Miles wanted to say something jocular about this, but then Alex stood up too and did something even weirder: he lay down both on Theo’s and Miles’s laps with a totally serious face, almost brushing away a few glasses from the table with his undutiful drunken limbs. Miles seemed to be on the verge of exploding with laughter.

“God damn it… ” Adam muttered under his breath, being the only one, who decided to limit himself on alcohol to some extent. After all, he was still going to escape in a while and tried to keep relatively sober. He just sat on the edge of the booth so the drunken acrobatics would not touch him and kept quiet. Miles tried to pull him closer but Adam let out an objective hum and stayed in his place. The development of the situation was telling him it was quite the time to go but something kept him pinned to the spot, as though the meeting had not run its course yet.

The romp went on, making Adam want to leave more and more. In a while, Theo and Miles were having something of a playful fight for Alex, which was particularly weird with Alex himself being squeezed in between. Apparently, they could not determine the winner so both came at the embarrassed trophy from different sides with cheek kisses, tickles and sniggers. Adam almost choked on his drink. Red-faced and speechless, Alex seemed to be sliding down under the table little by little. Miles and Theo kept him upright and went on with the drunk caresses, exchanging laughs and looks so expressive as though it was not the first time they played this game.

“Why so lifeless, Al?” Miles wondered when Alex tried to hide under the table again, “Theo, mate, how about we make out in front of him to get some reaction?”

“I-think-I-left-the-iron-on-need-to-go-immediately-okay-bye,” Adam blurted out in a single word and jumped up. By no means he was watching the rest of the supposedly funny scene. Even his worst assumptions had been more appropriate than this grotesque.

The aisles between booths were crowded, so Adam had to take a long road to get to the door. Before he rounded all the obstacles, Miles reached him and stood in his way with his eyebrows bent.  _“How did he even manage to move so fast, having drunk all of that?”_  Adam asked himself in his mind, quite sure that Theo, on the opposite, would not even manage to stand upright at the moment.

“For fuck’s sake, Adam, you’re staying at a hotel, and electricity shuts off in hotel rooms when you leave,” Miles shook his head with reproach in his eyes.

“Uh… Right.”

“Could’ve come up with a better excuse at least. Your frustration won’t hide, anyway. Are you sad about me leaving?”

Adam stared at the sneering face askance.

“Okay, I see,” Miles sighed in an ironic manner, “The problem is, you’d rather have both of us on you, wouldn’t you?”

“I… I really need to go,” Adam muttered, trying to come round Miles and get to the door, as he realized to what extent Miles was truly aware of his relationship with Theo. And – apparently – did not care too much.

“Oh, come on! What do I do to make you stay?”

“A triple flip, maybe,” Adam snapped, “Oh fuck, stop!” he added hastily when Miles actually started climbing the nearest table clumsily but decidedly, like drunk people always do. Unwittingly, Adam glanced at the booth they had sat in and, through the crowds, he caught a glimpse of the couple left there. Now they were laughing at what had just happened, Theo’s smiling lips tucked into the crook of Alex’s neck. Miles traced the direction of Adam’s look.

“Honestly, I think you just lack attention. I’m willing to give, so what’s the problem? Are our lovebirds too embarrassing for you? Isn’t it the time to let go, after all?”

Cornered figuratively and literally, Adam failed to find the answer at once.

“Easy to say,” Adam finally blurted out.

“As in I don’t know a fuck about it? We’ve all got things to let go,” Miles replied, sounding almost resentful.  _“For fuck’s sake, if you start a drunk whine about Alex, I’ll knock you off and run away,”_  Adam thought in sudden painful vexation. “They had too, you know, but here they are,” Miles went on, waving at the snuggling lovers, “If you ask me, when they met first, their routes couldn’t be any more different, but they just went along… and eventually came somewhere nice, right?”

“And what do you suggest?”

“I suggest,” Miles brightened, “That they go home in peace, and you come with me and help me pack.”

“Pack. Look who’s a master of excuses, unlike me,” Adam joshed.

“You can’t deny I’m better at suggestions than you, though,” Miles grinned, his arm entwining Adam’s waist.

Essentially, Adam had expected that outcome from the start. Suddenly it occurred to him that he would probably surrender in the end anyway. The question was just how much bicker it was going to take. Another glance at the booth sped things up.

“Fair enough. Okay, let’s just go say goodbye and…”

“Oh, fuck it. Let’s just run away. Do you reckon they’ll notice?”

“Uh… Fat chance. But…”

Adam did not manage to finish the argument as Miles caught his hand and dragged him out of the building, laughing so contagiously that Adam could not help joining. If not for this decisive gesture, he would have kept doubting and persisting for a long time, and now, spared from this, Adam even felt gratitude. Meanwhile, Miles’ assumption turned out to be true since Alex and Theo were not particularly bothered by the unexplained leaving. They were leaning on each other, their eyes half-closed, and drinking up their last cocktails through straws. Suddenly, Theo winced and opened his eyes.

“Wait, are Miles and Adam already gone? Did we say goodbye?”

“Um… can’t remember… probably…” Alex mumbled in a sleepy voice, “Shall we go then? I do remember you promised to buy me a bucket of ice cream, though.”

Theo laughed and gave him a little kiss.

“I’m glad you’ve got your priorities straight, darling.”

***

The rest few days of Adam’s stay passed by in relative peace. After Miles had left, something of a thaw set in. Alex and Theo estranged from all related bothers, each his own, but Adam was the one who looked most relieved. Theo could notice that his friend got more and more cheerful as his departure approached. In spite of the reason being unclear, Theo kept out of it and just was happy to see Adam in good spirits again. No more snaps came from him, and they managed to complete everything they had planned to, so the farewell had a good chance of having a nice tone.

“So what’s next for us?” Theo asked the evening before Adam would leave, after they put the headphones aside and headed away from the studio. The sky was a calming orange and blue gradient, and lampposts were lighting up, one by one, as two friends were walking down the street.

“Festivals, apparently,” Adam shrugged, “We have nothing to work at now, anyway. If you have any ideas, I’m all for it, though. I’ll come again or vice versa. And what’s next for you? I mean, what are you and Alex going to do before festivals begin?”

A wide smile flourished on Theo’s lips. Before then, Adam had not asked him about Alex a lot, particularly in a voice so light and casual. He had not even called Alex by his name, usually going with “he” or an accusatory sounding phrase “your boyfriend”.

“Don’t know yet. I guess, we won’t see each other a lot when festivals begin so we’ll probably just stay here and enjoy while we can. Can you imagine what it’s going to be like when proper tours begin? Having a boyfriend in a band sure is hard, particularly when you’re in a band, too,” Theo complained with a giggle.

“Yeah, it sucks. But we’re going to get the full schedules soon, so, who knows, maybe you’ll be able to meet at some festivals as you did last year,” Adam reminded.

“I hope so,” Theo agreed and looked at Adam stealthily, not quite used to hearing encouragement on the relationship with Alex from him. “And what about your plans?”

“I’ll just stay in London,” Adam said simply, but it sounded neither heavy-hearted nor plaintive. He even seemed to be happy about it.

“Alright. Well, then,” Theo said when they reached the crossroad where each one had to take his own turn and say goodbye, “I’m really glad you came here. I missed you. And the songs we’ve made are truly huge.”

“I’m glad too, mate,” Adam smiled as Theo went for a hug.

“Have a safe flight. Text me when you’re home, okay?”

“Yeah. Good luck to you, too. Don’t drink too much and don’t borrow Alex’s bike so that you’ll be whole and healthy by the time festivals start.”

“Ha-ha, I can’t promise. I’m pretty sure Al will look after that, though.”

“Fine. Bye, Theo.”

“Bye, Adam.”

They smiled at each other and walked away in different directions, exceedingly pleased and relieved. It was the first time in a long time when they parted on good terms, and nothing was overshadowing this fact: neither some revelation’s aftertaste, nor worries about their mutual future.

In a week or two, when full schedules of festivals were ready, Theo put both on his laptop’s screen and stared at them intently, his eyes running from left to right and backwards quickly. Alex leaned over his shoulder to have a look.

“What’s so interesting?” he wondered.

“I’m just looking whether there are any festivals where we both play.”

“Any success yet?”

“Uh… Not really. Who even made these stupid schedules and what were they thinking of? It fucking sucks!” Theo whined.

“Our managers, probably. And it’s highly unlikely that they were thinking of our relationship as something of a weighty criterion,” Alex explained patiently and placed his hand on Theo’s, “Is it really that bad? What about this one?” he pointed at the festival name on the screen that appeared both on the left and on the right.

“Different days.”

“Uh… Look, you’re going to have three free days after that one in Spain, and we could…”

“You’re supposed to be on the other side of the world during those three days,” Theo sighed, looking at the screen with a frown so distinct as though the laptop was guilty of making up such schedules.

“Well, shit.”

“Exactly.”

“This is damn out of luck,” Alex admitted, his expression, however, far from Theo’s level of frustration, “Whoa, look, I’m going to play at a festival in Manchester,” he noticed the line on the screen and put a finger on his chin with a face suddenly so illuminated as though a cartoon lamp was about to light above his head.

“Fantastic, you should drop by at my parents’ and look at some really embarrassing pictures of me when I was a kid,” Theo sniggered.

“Oh, should I?” Alex switched off his musing expression and turned to Theo with a hesitant yet hopeful smile.

“Absolutely! They like you. They think you’re a true gentleman and don’t stop wondering how you even tolerate me.”

“For real? Well, I can promise I’m going to live up to their expectations and do some gentleman stuff,” Alex ensured with a meaningful grin. He looked at the screen again to check the Manchester date. “Seems like you forgot to scroll the lists, by the way.”

“Oh, wait, I really did… Yes!” Theo cried out triumphantly and pointed at the screen, “This last one! In Germany! Even the same stage! Hallelujah!” he kept screaming and almost jumped on his chair of excitement, “And look, Miles is going to be there, too! Different stage, but still…”

“Hm, Germany sounds great,” Alex chuckled at the sight of Theo bouncing in delight, “Yeah, I remember now, he texted me something about it.”

“Too bad there’s just this one, though.”

“Well, the festival season’s quite short this year. Just a few weeks, including rehearsals. So it’s not actually  _too_  bad.”

Theo suddenly turned to him with his face extremely concerned.

“You’re going to call me at least three times a day, okay? And send me selfies from every city you visit. Wait, no, better send videos. Nah, send both. Like, video-selfies.”

“I’m not sure I’ll manage something this hard,” Alex laughed, “Only if you teach me.”

“Sure!”

“I still think you’re a bit overreacting. I mean, you know how it goes, we’re both used to the touring routine. It’ll pass in the twinkling of an eye, and you won’t even have time to pine. Anyway, it’s just for a little while.”

“Oh yeah? Remember that time I went to London to do a collab for a week? Who was the first one to get a negative phone balance by sending multi-chaptered heartfelt texts?” Theo gave Alex an arch smile.

“Well…” Alex mumbled, blushing, and chuckled, “I guess, you could say I’m just mostly a silent overreacter and you’re louder at expressing your mind. Besides, you talk enough for both of us. Aren’t we a perfect match?”

“I’ll take that but you could just say you’re going to miss me too,” Theo concluded and shut the laptop, however, looking completely pleased with Alex’s answer.

***

After a few days, some lineups caught Theo’s eye again, when he was reading music articles on the Internet. Having put the facts together in his head, Theo realized that he and Adam would cross their paths with Miles at the festivals more often than he would have a chance to meet Alex. It seemed like they would meet almost at every one. This was nice news. “ _Maybe we could hang out together, if I get bored. Miles will hardly refuse_ ,” Theo assumed in his mind. The LA trip incident was far behind, and nobody even mentioned it directly or marginally, so nothing could possibly go wrong with that.

When Theo was leaving for London to rehearse and Alex was seeing him off at the airport, they changed their roles and Theo had to be the consoling one again. At the last moment, Alex suddenly got effusive and clung to Theo for so long that the queue at the check-in managed to both appear and dissolve. Theo was hugging him gently and whispering sedative things into his ear – that a few weeks meant nothing, that modern technologies made separation easier (“Imagine what it was like 30 years ago! Meager over-priced international calls and not even a chance to see each other’s faces!”) and that, on the bright side, they would be even happier, when together again.

“Look, when festivals end, we’ll definitely do something special to celebrate,” he went on optimistically, “So you’d better get your imagination up from now on instead of pining, how about that?”

“I bet we will… something special, yeah… sure thing…” Alex murmured, lifting his head with a faint enigmatic smile.

***

Theo was sitting backstage of the first festival and playing with his phone out of boredom. There was enough time left until the show, but he had decided to arrive a bit earlier than usual. Adam was not there yet – but this time, fortunately, not because they had bickered again. Just as dozens of times before, they met at the airport in London, discussed what had happened over the break and headed for another city. In the morning, they lost sight of each other, as Theo stayed in his hotel room to call Alex, and Adam just vanished in unknown direction, making Theo assume he probably went for a walk around the city to take pictures, alone or with other people in the band. No news followed from Adam throughout the day. Anyway, Theo was too busy hanging on the phone with Alex to notice.

More and more musicians and technicians were gathering around, but Adam had not showed up on the festival site yet. Theo already started to type an interrogative text but the sound of steps approaching and stopping nearby made him look up. To his surprise, he saw not only Adam but also Miles standing in front of him. Fixed on managing to call Alex at the right time, when he would not be asleep or performing, Theo had completely forgotten Miles would be at this festival, too.

“Hey, it’s nice to see you!” Theo jumped up and shook Miles’ hand with enthusiasm. “How’ve you been?”

“Pretty great, thanks!” Miles beamed, “Adam suggested we would go on a sightseeing walk around the city. We started out in the morning so we managed to see a lot,” he went on absorbedly, and Theo glanced at Adam with his left eyebrow up. Adam was looking at an equipment box with greatest interest.  “…three museums in total! Or were there four? Anyway, I…” Miles stopped in the middle of the sentence and tracked the looks around him, “Well, it was great seeing you but, I guess, I really should move to another stage as quickly as possible. We’ll have a decent talk sometime soon, okay?”

“Yeah, there’s a festival in France the day after tomorrow,” Theo reminded, his curious eyes going from Miles to Adam and back again.

“Cool, then, see you there. And yeah, Adam, see you in the evening,” Miles smirked and kissed Adam on the cheek, before he was gone, and Theo could see Adam’s ears going scarlet.

A few moments after Miles had left, Adam was still peering at the box as though it was a work of contemporary art. Theo chuckled and walked closer to him.

“So? What was that?”

“That was Miles,” Adam answered simply, forcing himself to look at Theo, “I don’t really think there’s a need to add something.”

“Or is there? Last time we talked about Miles you said you would barely meet again, and here you are, taking him on walks,” Theo noticed archly, “Don’t you think something’s missing in this cause-effect chain?”

“Well, we met in London a couple of times after that… palled up quite alright.”

This short vague sentence was enough for Theo to imagine the whole story. Seeing him nod with an understanding expression, Adam added quickly:

“We’re not together, if that’s the impression you got.”

“No, not a bit, actually. I know both of you, after all.”

“What did you assume with such a grin, then?”

“That you hook up once in a while and don’t want to go anywhere beyond that. But you feel nice around him because Miles is a person who can really shake you up. He gives you just enough attention to keep you pleased but not enough to burden you. And that works fine with both of you. So you’re fuck buddies. Am I right?”

“Pretty much,” Adam agreed, relieved by Theo’s calm tone. What he said was quite right. Somehow, Miles had slipped into the Theo-shaped void in Adam’s soul, that Mary had been nowhere close to, and it felt surprisingly alright. Right from Adam’s first days back in London, they met now and then, and every meeting felt like emotional refueling. Once a secondary distraction, it became something significant in itself, as nothing motivated Adam to move on more than this weird relationship did. He needed Miles to keep going ahead, and, fortunately, Miles never said no.

“Cool,” Theo said heartily as his phone buzzed, “Sorry, I have to answer this, it’s probably Alex…”

“Okay, no problem,” Adam nodded and went away to talk to other guys in the band. Theo looked at the phone: it was a text from Alex indeed. Doubts chained Theo again. Should he tell Alex about what he had just found out or not? Of course, Alex had said it did not concern him, but Theo knew it did, and keeping this information to himself did not feel right. But then, he could not imagine revealing it either. And was the whole thing even worth telling about?    

Theo sighed and replied without a mention of both Adam and Miles.

***

As festivals went on, Theo had enough chances to think the problem over again and again, for not only did it happen in front of him, but also was becoming more like a rule than an occasional event. The playful caresses he witnessed made him feel confused. Adam looked enraptured, and Miles seemed to be quite content, too, so Theo was partly happy for whatever was happening between then, as long as it brought them joy. At the same time, Theo was sure a certain person would not be so delighted about this. Texting Alex when Adam was ten steps away with Miles on his lap felt like huge insincerity. But then, Theo wondered what he himself had to do with the situation and why he had to mix up in it. After all, it was about three adults who could solve the problem between themselves without Theo’s questionable help.

Unfortunately, this conclusion never stayed in Theo’s mind for long, particularly when he had suspicions this relationship was too regular and sentimental to pass as friends with benefits. Adam told him nothing, so once he even thought of talking to Miles but then brushed this idea away. On the whole, their bond, exuberant on the outside, was never really too deep.

There was just one day left until the long-awaited festival, where all four of them would meet, and Theo felt like it was the last chance for him to interrupt and at least find out what was going on, if not soften the consequences. Catching Adam without Miles had become a tricky task lately, but, luckily, hours of inert waiting at airports were still available, when they did not have the same flights.

“How’re the things going between you and Miles?” Theo started head-on, sitting by Adam’s side as soon as they were through with check-ins.

“I thought it was quite clear that we aren’t a couple,” Adam replied calmly.

“Yeah, but things are definitely going somewhere. You go on dates now and cuddle more than some actual couples.”

“Oh, come on, don’t you know Miles? Things could go literally anywhere but it wouldn’t mean we’re a couple.”

“I see. Actually, it’s not exactly what I wanted to know,” Theo thought for a while and then went on, “You say, it wouldn’t mean you’re a couple. But… would you want it to do?”

Adam stared at the greyish floor, caught by surprise a bit.

“I… I don’t know. Maybe I would,” he mumbled slowly, imagining different developments and trying to figure out which he liked most, “The thing is, it’s just… I’m absolutely fine with where we are, and I’ve never really thought of where precisely we actually were and where it could go. I’ve had a chance to understand you don’t date a person because your relationship opinions match with his or hers… or because you think your characters match in general… Most of the time, you don’t really know what’s best for you, and all you can do is just be with the person who makes you happy, try to keep this person and make them just as happy. This works much better than trying to adhere to some abstract pattern you’ve created in your mind out of nothing. And then, it seems to me, after all, that this year-long drama was for the best. If it hadn’t happened, I would’ve probably just stayed with a wrong person, and it would lead nowhere good. So, actually, it was so opportune that Alex came along in the first place… for both of us.”

Startled by such an extensive and intimate answer, Theo could just nod at a loss, but Adam went even further:

“And there’s one more thing – I really hope we can discuss it openly by now. Uh… Miles is everything I lacked when we broke up, and I was infinitely lucky to meet him. Because, you know, I got used to you and Alex and – don’t get me wrong – I’m really happy you’re alright, but I always had my own misery to deal with. Miles is so easy with those things, it’s almost contagious. I needed that spirit back then. And now…” Adam halted for a while, “I guess, that will sound kind of dumb, but, frankly speaking, I think I don’t love you anymore. I mean, romantically.”

“Oh my god, Adam, I have never been so pleased to hear a rejection before!” Theo burst out laughing and patted Adam on his shoulder, “Well, I don’t love you anymore too, so we’re fine, right?”

“I guess,” Adam smirked, “It’s so nice to make a confession and hear the same in reply.”

“Congrats on us, then!” Theo declared, and both laughed with relief.

And so, at least one problem of Theo’s concern was settled. Another problem was to reveal this solution to Alex somehow. But before Theo fell to this thought again, he decided to add something else.

“Hey, I think I’ve finally come up with an idea.”

“What idea?”

“An idea for that last pun I promised you months ago in LA. I’m glad you’re all s _miles_ again,” Theo avowed with a victorious smirk.

Grinning widely indeed, Adam lowered his eyes.

“This one wins,” he admitted.

***

The colorful and noisy swarming of the vast festival site in a German city’s suburbs seemed to slow down the second Theo looked left between the songs and saw Alex smiling in the stage exit. Having caught Theo’s eye, Alex showed him thumbs up and then made a heart with his hands, trying to suppress laughter. Unlike him, Theo was not that successful and chuckled so abruptly he hit his eye with the microphone. This time Alex failed to resist as well. Adam looked back to see what was happening and, seeing Alex bend with silent laughter, understood everything. Fortunately, they had just a couple more songs to play before these two would tease each other enough to make Theo forget all the words. However, Adam’s mind was floating astoundingly far from that matter and much closer to another stage, where Miles had probably already finished his show and was waiting for Adam so they could go back to the city together. Adam smiled at his thoughts and proceeded to the next song, as Theo finally stopped laughing and announced it.

During the last song, Theo’s concentration slipped away again, and he threw one of the white roses backstage for Alex to catch it. He was not expecting this and caught it at the last possible moment with a comical sharp motion. Everyone around laughed, but Alex just smiled and sent an air kiss in reply. Just in a couple of minutes, when the show ended, Theo was backstage too, twirling Alex around in his arms, while Alex was laughing hysterically and clinging to Theo with his legs and arms not to fall. Their trajectory deviated from the initial spot as Theo got a bit dizzy, and Alex whipped him with the rose jokingly.

“Come on, put me back, or you’ll knock me into the wall!”

Theo put him down on the ground, smiling, and Alex instantly grasped his jacket pocket, as though checking if its contents had not flown away during the twirl.

“I never would,” Theo whispered and stroked Alex’s cheek bashfully. After a while of motionless staring, Alex took the initiative and pulled him into a thirsty kiss, which could not really tell anyone more than had already been suspected over the year. Both were so engrossed that they could not care less about witnesses. There were weeks of separation to be compensated.

As they parted, Adam came near them timidly and stretched his hand to Alex.

“Hi, Alex. How’re you?”

“Great, thanks,” Alex mumbled, with Theo trying to muffle his lips again and laughing, “And you?”

“Fine. Well, Theo, see you tomorrow?”

“Maybe. If I don’t oversleep the flight,” Theo grinned and gave Alex a butt slap, making him blush slightly.

“Isn’t it the last festival? We can stay here a bit longer and get some rest,” Alex looked at Theo with his eyebrows raised in a pleading way, “Or I could rent a car and we’d go driving around for a while. We could see Neuschwanstein Castle,” he suggested, hopelessly failing to sound like it was a passing idea.

“Whoa, fantastic!” Theo’s eyes widened of excitement and surprise, “Why the castle, though?”

“Well, it’s, uh… a real fairytale sight but, like… a dark fairytale… I thought you would love it.”

Theo smiled most approvingly, and Adam chuckled.

“Okay, dark fairytale, goodbye, then,” he concluded good-naturedly, looking at Theo, “I’ll go now, have some stuff to do…” he waved his hand at the direction where the needed stage was supposed to be, reminding Theo of the unpleasant shade of the long-awaited meeting.

“Bye, Adam,” Theo and Alex said simultaneously as Adam went away, and then Theo turned to Alex again, growing serious, “Look, Al, we need to talk, desirably a bit further from here.”

“Uh… Right now? I mean, I have to go on stage pretty soon.”

Theo stared at Alex and thought whether he really had to upset him right before the show but then decided that if he would postpone it once again, he would keep postponing it forever. Or, more precisely, until he would find out himself.

“Yeah. It will be a really short talk, probably.”

That made Alex tense up at once. With a growing frown, he followed Theo up to the faraway spot right at the fence, where even festival workers walked rarely. Empty trailers were standing nearby, and boxes were piled up chaotically. Looking at Alex’s sulky expression made Theo less and less sure about having to speak out. He kept silence for a while, until Alex wondered impatiently:

“Well, what is it? We haven’t got all day, so cut the wire, if you have to.”

“Okay,” Theo inhaled deeply to blurt out the rest in a single breath, “The thing is, Miles and Adam have been, like, together – I have no idea how to call it – for several months now, and, frankly, I have known just for several weeks but I feel terrible about not telling you because you obviously have the right to know but at the same time I didn’t want to upset you like this because I saw what you were like at the bar back then,” Theo halted to breathe and went on, “I’m sorry, I probably should have told you earlier, and, well, I feel kind of guilty for this happening at all because it was me who insisted on that meeting in the first place and encouraged them to pal up. It’s so fucking complicated, and every time I intervene it’s getting even worse. I’m so sorry, Al, there was probably some other way to fix this up.”

As Theo was catching his breath, his eyes down in an ashamed manner, Alex was staring at him with his eyebrows raised in comical asymmetry, as though not believing or waiting for him to go on. Theo lifted his head up anxiously to see this puzzled grimace. Suddenly, Alex burst out laughing.

“Fucking hell, Theo!” he could only mutter through laughter, as Theo stood taken aback.

“Is this the kind of laughter that film characters laugh and you know they’re totally mad and going to fuck shit up soon?”

“It’s just relief! I thought you were going to break up with me or say you’ve cheated,” Alex explained, quieting down, “You were suddenly all fucking gloomy and secretive, what could I assume?”

“So you’re okay with what I’ve said?” Theo inquired carefully.

“Your care about my mental balance is quite outstanding, but you can surely calm down on this matter,” Alex smirked genially, “I mean, Miles brought it up quite a while ago. I’m even aware of their plans for the evening. I clearly had no intention of informing you, but it seems like I had to spare you some nerves, too…”

“Oh, Al…” Theo exhaled and hugged him tightly, not yet believing the problem turned out to be such a trifle.

“Hey, seriously, calm down,” Alex murmured, stroking his back gently, “It stopped being a thing a long time ago. I can’t even believe you took it so seriously. It’s time for all of us to move on, don’t you think?”

Theo pulled back and suddenly blushed: now, when Alex was holding him tight, the bother sure seemed worthless and exaggerated.

“Honestly, I don’t even know what came upon me,” he admitted at a loss as Alex was caressing his cheek, “It may seem quite ridiculous now but somehow I was so sure it was important… Because everything concerning you is important for me,” Theo said feelingly, “I might do weird shit sometimes but even my dumbest antics are for the sake of your happiness… at least they’re intended to be.”

Either the sun rounded some obstacle and left a big light spot on Alex’s face, or he smiled so happily that he looked like a small sun himself.

“Actually, your well-being concerns me most so, please, don’t be troubled by that matter anymore,” Alex asked softly and kissed Theo again. An indistinct song started at one of the faraway stages, and it sobered them up, reminding they were still at a festival and Alex had to play in a couple of minutes. They trod back towards the stage, hand in hand.

“What are our plans for the evening, by the way?” Theo changed the topic suddenly. It was no surprise to Alex, though; he had got used to Theo speaking about ten matters simultaneously and switching between them without a warning.

“Uh… I don’t know. Actually, I’m kind of tired. Maybe we’ll just lie around at the hotel and set off to the castle tomorrow morning? That would be around 2 hours from the city. To be completely honest, I’ve already reserved the tickets because, you know, peak season and stuff.”

“Wow. I see, you got it all planned out,” Theo marveled, for some reason experiencing déjà vu about the day Alex had suggested moving to LA.

“Well, not quite, but I’ve sure made some preparations…” Alex mumbled, stopping, as they reached the stage, “Maybe, so we don’t waste any time, you’ll go take your stuff from your hotel to mine, while I’m aping around here?”

Just as Alex expected, Theo broke out laughing at the pun.

“Ha-ha, aping around, I see what you did there! Yeah, sure. And I’ll go buy some snacks on my way, then. Have a fantastic show, darling,” Theo gave Alex a goodbye cheek kiss, and their hands slid out of each other slowly, as though relishing the last caress. With a silent smile, Alex said goodbye in reply, and Theo headed away from the stage in an excited half-running manner. Alex counted the wires, lying on the ground in his way, worriedly, but Theo managed to pass the site without an incident and soon disappeared behind the cars.

Staring into the distance, where Theo had just been, Alex put his hand in his jacket pocket unconsciously. His fingers clasped the tiny box he had carrying around for quite a while now. Its long way started in Los Angeles, where Miles helped choose it, proceeded in Manchester, where Alex behaved as a true gentleman indeed, and then it just rested in his pocket throughout the rest of the cities, helping deal with the separation and reminding that the best was possibly ahead. Just another day of dangling near Alex’s waist – and it would hopefully change its owner, thereby binding something important. Squinting at the summer sun, that was not even thinking of setting yet, Alex grinned and thought about how nothing could predict this day a year ago, when he was probably just overwhelmed by all the sudden attention from Theo and having no idea what to do. He also remembered how Theo laughed at it afterwards and admitted that back then he could never fully grasp whether Alex wanted to kill or kiss him (“I kind of liked that thriller game, though,” he added sentimentally) and wished for some clarity.

Alex looked up to smile at the clear and light June sky and sauntered to the stage.


End file.
